A little fact you may not know about me is that I have bipolar disorder. And recently I’ve been diagnosed with schizophrenia.
My road with mental illness (and I’m reluctant to say “battle” as many who suffer from mental illness have endured a lot more than I have) started a couple years ago in 2016 when I had my first manic episode triggered by some anti-depressants I was taking.
Since then I’ve had two more episodes. Thankfully these episodes didn’t last long and didn’t leave much in their wake but a broken self-esteem.
I was embarrassed of the choices I made and more importantly how I was perceived. Not only that but I terrified my family.
For a while I really didn’t feel good about myself. I was wondering why it had to be me. Why did I have to be diagnosed with this condition? I was worried about the stigma and also the destructive nature that is mania.
Part of me enjoyed mania. When I’m manic, the world is rose colored and the possibilities are endless. I have boundless energy and resolve to meet my goals. I met a lot of unforgettable people because of this. Normally I’m more of a homebody but when I’m manic I like to take risks and am adventurous. But there’s a dark side. I’m not rational. And I can hurt myself and even those around me if I’m not careful.
It’s a part of me I rather people not know about. I don’t want people to know about the things I did while manic.
There are also lows where one feels like everything is hopeless and considers suicide as a actual viable option. Which I know now is never an option.
Life is unfair, that much is known. I’ve gone from bipolar II which is a less severe form to bipolar I a more severe form, to now being diagnosed with bipolar and schizophrenia at the same time.
I did what they asked but still things only got worse and recently I had the most terrifying moment in my life happen that left me thinking “well, what now?”
My life is now a series of gray areas and I’m not sure what to hold on to anymore.
When I feel too happy, I wonder if it’s because an episode is coming on. I try not to project into the future but these episodes happen. Although not as frequent as with some people, I’m still wary of one coming on. In the past I thought I would be able to sense when an episode was coming but each time has been different and I never really realize I’m living in a delusion until it’s too late.
In these states, there’s usually recurring elements. I wonder what they tell me about myself. I always believe in the same things, go after the same things. I always go to the same places. Surely there’s something to learn from it. But I guess that’s just taking the good with the bad.
This was more of a post to just cope with some thoughts and feelings I have been having lately. If you made it through it all, I applaud you. If not, I don’t hold it against you.
This is my world. Thank you for reading.
Artistic Apathy 