depression – Artistic Apathy

We Don’t Talk About the Stuff in the Basement.

My blunt force trauma. An axe blow to the head.

I wake up half-conscious, dizzy–near paralyzed.

Trying desperately to recollect the memory of what happened–and what consequently led to the unfolding of these events.

Life is quite simple really but then why do we insist on making it hard?

They don’t love me. They never did. Ouch. That’s gonna hurt in the morning.

What’s behind that black door and what are they keeping in the basement and what don’t they want me to know?

…

Fuck it, I’ll take matters into my own hands the same way they unabashedly sought to secure my demise.

I tip-toe down to the basement, staggering still and in shock from the head trauma.

I may be going into this recklessly but all I know is facing things head on.

I try to ease my step yet I lose balance and fall pitifully down the stairs.

There’s a lot to be uncovered here. Things left unnoticed, unperturbed, relegated to the subconscious mind. Covered in a slew of cobwebs. This stuff has been left alone for decades. Even centuries…

Now that’s drama for your trauma…

A Town In Blue

A constant pouring of rain

Renders the brain…

Useless.

I can see you through this, if you’ll let me

I know everyone around you isn’t helping

Always thinking they know the best thing

Nothing’s working out, it’s upsetting

Just hold on.

Hold on.

You were never alone all along.

It just takes for you see that.

I know you feel you have to face facts…

But when you’re around me you can relax

Put the drugs down, don’t relapse.

Pain… my attitude towards it has changed.

I once saw it as a hinderance… Now I see it as the coal that fuels this locomotive of a crazy ride called life. My deliverance.

Be free from worry, end your strife.

There’s so much more to discover, put down the knife.

We can make it… If we can keep in mind… That it won’t always be nice.

I want you alive and if I have to… I’ll say it twice.

Ame雨

Rain, rain, please don’t go away…

Stay with me today and be my friend.

Everything feels like it’s at a standstill.

Sometimes I like feeling like the only person on the planet.

I don’t know why.

There’s something comforting about the silence. The pattern of the rain and the grey, dreary sky.

So, so quiet.

All I can hear is my thoughts and the pitter patter of the rain.

Engulfed in deafening silence.

Overflow

All I can see is my pain.

It’s like a mountain standing in front of me.

I just don’t have the tools to climb over and get to the other side.

I feel like the light in me has gone out. I can’t trust anyone, there is no one who will spark it.

I’d give anything just to be happy. Why do I have to face these obstacles every day? It doesn’t feel like it’s getting easier, only harder.

I don’t think I need much. I just want to live in a place where there is trust, love and goodwill.

How can I overcome all this if I can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel? It may all work out in the end but all I see is me suffering right now.

Have mercy.

My heart has been smashed into a million pieces.

One Long Night

I trail on alone… in the darkness.

I’ve never been more frightened. It’s thundering and the clouds are dark and charged with rain.

For a moment, it seems the only thing raining down tonight is me.

But I can’t turn back… not now anyway.

There’s nothing to go back to. They say home is where the heart is. In that case, my home is definitely not my home. And I have nowhere I can place my heart.

I feel stranded. Like the loneliest creature in this long and dreary night.

I call a friend but strangely their phone has been disconnected. It’s all awfully too convenient.

I look for a sign. Telling me to go back. Or to keep going. I’m done relying on signs. Suddenly, it begins to rain. So I search for the nearest cover. A tree provides me with temporary shelter. Still, I’m shaken with fear. Will anything ease my troubled mind?

Suddenly home doesn’t seem so bad. At least it’s a shelter from all the dangers of life. Although one day I won’t have that safety cushion anymore. I’ll have to venture out into the wilderness alone. Kind of like now.

Who or what will I give my heart to? Who or what will be the tree that shades me through the storms and the rain?

For now, there’s nobody. And that’s just a reality I have to deal with. Although I don’t want to, I will have to return home immediately. And not because anyone will worry about me. But because I have to. It’s my only home. As broken as it may be.

As the night progresses, I strangely find solace under this tree. This thing, it’s not a human but it’s providing me with necessary shelter. Life’s comical that way. I somehow find peace and quiet even though the weather has not yet tempered.

The street has no perceivable end. I could shout and no one would hear me.

It’s puzzling to me how no one is slightly worried for my safety. All I have is myself and an iTunes library of music. Is it enough? Who knows.

I was afraid of being caught in a thunderstorm but nature isn’t to be feared. It’s to be respected. And right now it’s coming through for me when no one is.

It’s not like I’m completely alone. But I might as well be. Having someone to talk to isn’t the same as having someone you can be yourself with, unapologetically.

I know I’ll make it through this. There’s no doubt in my mind. I always persevere and that’s a trait I like in myself. But for now all I see is a lost little boy. Alone in the rain.