freewriting – Artistic Apathy

We Don’t Talk About the Stuff in the Basement.

My blunt force trauma. An axe blow to the head.

I wake up half-conscious, dizzy–near paralyzed.

Trying desperately to recollect the memory of what happened–and what consequently led to the unfolding of these events.

Life is quite simple really but then why do we insist on making it hard?

They don’t love me. They never did. Ouch. That’s gonna hurt in the morning.

What’s behind that black door and what are they keeping in the basement and what don’t they want me to know?

…

Fuck it, I’ll take matters into my own hands the same way they unabashedly sought to secure my demise.

I tip-toe down to the basement, staggering still and in shock from the head trauma.

I may be going into this recklessly but all I know is facing things head on.

I try to ease my step yet I lose balance and fall pitifully down the stairs.

There’s a lot to be uncovered here. Things left unnoticed, unperturbed, relegated to the subconscious mind. Covered in a slew of cobwebs. This stuff has been left alone for decades. Even centuries…

Now that’s drama for your trauma…

Imagine

Imagine this…

You are brought into a world with no previous knowledge of it. Your first breath of air is a gasp.

The first people you are introduced to are your family. You spend your formative years with them. About four or so, at least until you are able to speak and communicate.

When you are old enough, you are taken away from the comfort of your home and warm embrace of your parents and put in the schooling system. You cry. Since you can’t see them all day every day.

School is exciting at first because you get to learn new things. Try new things. Expand your curiosity.

You may make some friends but only at a superficial level.

Then as the years go by, you become more independent. You realize you don’t need your parents for everything. You develop new interests and hobbies. Maybe you make new friends as a result of these interests.

You get older and realize that people will lie to get what they want. Turn on others if need be. And that people have a cruel side. Maybe you’ve lied to get your way or gone behind someone’s back.

For whatever reason, you are here now. You didn’t really ask to be put here and maybe you didn’t really want to lie or go behind that person’s back but you saw no other way at the time.

You try to develop your own sense of identity. You figure out what you like in other people and what you dislike… Over time, things seem to clear themselves up.

Still, there’s confusion. Maybe about the way you feel. Your job. Am I doing things the right way?

Then suddenly you ask yourself what you are doing it all for and how so many years flew by. All the times you wasted with people who seemed to be good for you… You wonder how you can protect yourself from being hurt again.

You don’t want to need people but you do.

Also, you are not a child anymore and you can’t just live off your parents. You’re expected to have things figured out. Manage your emotions, navigate people and live in a world that becomes more maddening by the second.

Imagine…

What you are left with…

Respite

I feel like the prisoner in my own mind…

Longing to break free…

What’s it going to take to break this spell that’s on me?

What’s real and what’s fake? What’s true and what’s false?

Lines are blurred and I escape reason and dance a dance full of folly

Afraid of what the future holds. I’d do anything to hear a word of encouragement. To hear something comforting.

I feel like I’m defective. Must be something wrong with me…

I try to fix myself but if I’m the problem then how can I fix things myself?

I’m altogether burdened and long for respite.

Who will be the shoulder for me to lean on? Where can my soul find its peace at long last?

I search everywhere for answers, frantically, not a moment of rest, restlessly looking for the answer…

I

I don’t want to ruin this perfect moment. I’m so sorry that I’m thoughtless and think too much all at once.

I just want the song to echo. I want to feel it in my bones. I want to fly. I want the melody under my wings as I soar. A language that blurs barriers. Cultures becoming one. Things closing in on each other and becoming closer.

I find my power in my heart. Deep within my emotions.

I feel like I’ve been forgotten. Nobody bothers to keep up with me these days. I feel like an apparition. But I know I’m here for so much more. So… much more. I want to be all that I can be.

Then, why am I still asking for permission? The person I’ve been waiting for all along: Find them in me. I gain strength to fight another day. To live another day.

I don’t want to live as a coward. I want to take risks. I want to be bold. And proclaim it from the highest mountain.

Oh God, hear my prayer and establish me high above any worry or stress.

I long to be lifted up.

Addicted

I long for the days of yesterday…

It seemed that I could feel with a huge capacity and the desire to create was enormous

I sing a song of yesterday and for a moment a ray of sun shines upon me where otherwise I’m caught in a storm

The mundanity of life. The same rituals. The same practices. I’m caught in an insane loop.

It feels like I don’t have control over some things. I think a lot about destiny. I think a lot about it and I wonder if I’m destined to fail. Maybe because I’m too weak willed, weak minded, too driven by emotions.

Strange, because I once thought that to be good. I don’t always know what to believe and I am caught in a vortex of futility. I long for my release.

Always thought I’d be the hero in my own story but I feel more and more like the villain with each passing day.

I think a lot about my own capacity. My own capacity to make it through things… Is it true this time that it’s withered? The confrontation I’ve longed for all my life. The test that was to come. Did I fail? Did I not make it? Did I miss the bus?

I think about these things all day and they become my mantra.

Any bit of hope is welcome. I can’t see in the dark and neither can you.

Song of songs call me home!