Addicted

I long for the days of yesterday…

It seemed that I could feel with a huge capacity and the desire to create was enormous

I sing a song of yesterday and for a moment a ray of sun shines upon me where otherwise I’m caught in a storm

The mundanity of life. The same rituals. The same practices. I’m caught in an insane loop.

It feels like I don’t have control over some things. I think a lot about destiny. I think a lot about it and I wonder if I’m destined to fail. Maybe because I’m too weak willed, weak minded, too driven by emotions.

Strange, because I once thought that to be good. I don’t always know what to believe and I am caught in a vortex of futility. I long for my release.

Always thought I’d be the hero in my own story but I feel more and more like the villain with each passing day.

I think a lot about my own capacity. My own capacity to make it through things… Is it true this time that it’s withered? The confrontation I’ve longed for all my life. The test that was to come. Did I fail? Did I not make it? Did I miss the bus?

I think about these things all day and they become my mantra.

Any bit of hope is welcome. I can’t see in the dark and neither can you.

Song of songs call me home!