A sign perched on the glass door that reads “send help.”
A big heart with no one to give it to.
Shadows dance inside my room.
My thoughts are my only company.
We mourn what never was.
The busy world can be a perplexing place.
The only peace I find is when I’m alone inside my room.
Can’t live with them… Can’t live without them.
What a paradox.
Isolation either makes or breaks you.
Do I want to stick around to find where it takes me?
The wound of betrayal is constantly plaguing my mind.
Playing back scenes in my head. Rehearsing scenarios.
I realize that nothing is ever as it seems.
The fact that I could have been so naive…
To think people are really there for you when all they want is something.
Sometimes that thing is to hurt you. To hurt your confidence.
I’ve been regressing to old patterns and habits that no longer suit me.
It’s a way to deal with the pain that’s always been there lurking beneath the surface.
Slowly but surely, I am losing faith that there is any real good in the world.
Everywhere I go, I only see a broken world. A world that has constantly led us down one way or another.
Do we really choose the path that is thrust onto us or are we merely just going with the current of life?
Somehow though amidst all this I get the sense that I’ll be fine.
My life is my own. If I can create a world for me that is suitable to live in I think I will be fine.
The ghosts of the past will no longer have dominion over me.
I can have a blank slate. Nothing tying me to the old life that I used to live.
A life that maybe then was what I needed but now more than ever I need myself.
To come through for myself in a way that no one ever has.
After all, why wait for people to give you what you can give yourself?
I will desperately search for the light that is living inside me.
I will use that light to be the difference I’ve always wanted to be.
Maybe after all, there is hope…
Tossed by a sea filled with waves.
I go here and there looking for respite.
This shoddy boat has gotten me this far, but I notice something.
The boat is beginning to sink.
And there is a storm coming.
I look around but there is no one. Just a never-ending sea.
The storm is coming…
I appear to be in the center of it.
At least that’s how it feels.
I never thought today would be the day I go down with this boat.
This boat, it’s more of a life raft.
I’ve clung to it for so long and it’s gotten me only so far.
I long for a new shore yet all I see is the sea before me.
I think “if I go down with this thing, at least, I’ll be food for the fish.”
My body going down to the very bottom of this sea.
The very tyrannical depths. The depths that I have feared most of my life.
The things you find there. Frightening things. Things I dare not even to speak of. Things I rather not think about.
There is a pain in my chest and an uneasy settled feeling in the pit of my stomach.
That feeling that’s always there. Storm or not.
Suddenly I see a big wave coming towards me. All while this boat is on its last legs.
I see no other option but to drown.
The wave is a force of nature.
Much like life is.
Life happens to everybody.
I think that’s the saddest thing of all.
No one is left unscathed. No one is left without being tossed around by the sea.
As the wave heads towards me I say a prayer.
The boat is almost nearly submerged in the water.
I think about everyone I’ve ever known.
Did they care at all? Or did they just pretend to care?
The wave is getting closer. There’s no one there to save me.
No one holding their hand out. No other person on a life raft.
Just me and the boat.
It’s only me.
What is my truth?
How can I express words I can’t even fathom?
What keeps me separate from everyone else?
I feel like an alien. An alien whose spacecraft just landed on planet Earth.
I live in a wasteland. There’s nothing here. Nothing but dried rocks and hardly anything salvageable.
I must come to terms with this chasm deep within myself.
It longs to be filled with something sweet, like the promise of love.
I’m wondering if such a thing exists for me. True love, that is.
If we’re not here to love then what are we here for?
Surely not the promises of glory or acclaim.
Nay, those aren’t the things I seek.
Sometimes I close my eyes and start to dig. I never know what I might excavate.
This land I live in is like an excavation site and new things turn up every day.
I must remain strong. It’s the way of this world.
Memories pushed to the side sit atop the surface. The only way out is through.
Stuck in this elevator…
Pitch black. Can’t see my way out.
It feels like it’s not moving, like it’s not going anywhere.
I crouch in a corner of this cold steel cage.
I grip my knees and rock back and forth trying to console myself.
The elevator is my own mind.
Constantly facing and fighting my own insecurities and doubts about myself.
It’s like being stuck in a pitch black elevator. Everywhere you look, darkness.
There’s no emergency button either. I have to be down for the ride.
Where is this elevator going? Up or down? I just hope it’s up for my sake.
It’s getting harder and harder but somehow I feel in control.
A strange feeling.
Will I finally reach the top floor?
