meditation – Artistic Apathy

Respite

I feel like the prisoner in my own mind…

Longing to break free…

What’s it going to take to break this spell that’s on me?

What’s real and what’s fake? What’s true and what’s false?

Lines are blurred and I escape reason and dance a dance full of folly

Afraid of what the future holds. I’d do anything to hear a word of encouragement. To hear something comforting.

I feel like I’m defective. Must be something wrong with me…

I try to fix myself but if I’m the problem then how can I fix things myself?

I’m altogether burdened and long for respite.

Who will be the shoulder for me to lean on? Where can my soul find its peace at long last?

I search everywhere for answers, frantically, not a moment of rest, restlessly looking for the answer…

Resolution

What will become of me?

Uncertainty grips me and a ticking time bomb is formed in the pit of my stomach

Tick tock… Only moments until it spontaneously combusts.

This worry, this anxiety, is it necessary or is it something I may discard like a used tissue?

Why am I so fearful of something that is only in my body?

And why do things have to go my way ever time? Could things be perfectly fine not going my way?

Why do I need to have a control on things and what do I hope to get in return?

Also, why do I need the answers to these questions or is this another attempt at obtaining control?

My worst fears made true… Them not approving of me. Me being abandoned and cast aside like a cigarette butt out of a car window

My worst fear is being forgotten. If I’m forgotten then what becomes of me? What will happen? Who am I and what am I here to do?

I’m afraid I’ll have nothing. Nothing to fall back on. No security. No sense of comfort. Just utter loneliness.

Let me feel this void a bit longer because something tells me something is trying to come through.

Life is teaching me something and there’s still a lot left more to learn.

Salvage Yard

Take whatever you can salvage.

Everything must go.

The old saying “out with the old, in with the new” applies to this current situation

In this yard lies unfulfilled dreams, pain, darkness, long forgotten memories

Soon, everything will be tossed into the furnace.

The purifying blue flame that is this current moment.

After that, the old will cease to be.

I will become a new creature, reborn from the ashes like a phoenix.

Still though, I find myself coming back to this place time and time again.

What is it that keeps me here and binds me to this place? This attachment that feels more and more like a sore each time?

I will pluck out the thorn from my side, correct my posture and walk the line that is set out in front of me.

Shadows of yesterday will not be able to withstand the light that magnifies with each given day.

And in return, the shadows thank me. You see, a shadow doesn’t know it’s a shadow.

I sit atop a rusty old car and wonder if it’s going anywhere. But then I remember it’s not functional.

So I trade in my keys for some new ones.

Down to go for a little joy ride?

Dominion

Today nothing can stop me.

I feel like I’m king of the world and I stand lonely at the top of a hill

Where is my crown?

I have made my demons my foot stool and now I wander around looking for the next conquest

What’s stopping me from total domination?

This world is putty in my hand and I mold it to my liking

What’s that you say? I sound more arrogant than confident?

They say to celebrate every victory. And maybe I’m not out yet but this puffing of the chest is a call to arms.

I am the vengeful sword that gleams in the moonlight.

Dusk has fallen and my foes wish to devour me whole.

One reflection of my sword is enough to leave them helplessly scurrying for retreat.

Defeat I will not taste. I have seen the abyss and stared it down and it made me a man.

I turn darkness and convert it into light

I think they call that alchemy.

I have turned pain into power. Presence. In essence, I have turned lead into gold.

Now I sit atop my lonely hill with a mountain full of gold and only my ego to stroke.

Being so high makes you only think about falling. But I mustn’t think of that now. I mustn’t fear it.

Courage is knowing you can fail but still deciding to fight the fight.

And I’m not ready to give up. Not now, not ever.

I’ve lifted the veil to take a peak over yonder and what I witnessed with my own eyes was enough to spark a light within me. A light that shall not be doused so easily.

It is my hope, my faith, my intuition. In essence it is me.

I will not be robbed.

Double Barrel

My pain is like a deep ocean and I am wading in it

Waiting in it…

There is no rescue. There is no life preserver. It’s only me, staring down the barrel.

I feel it so deeply, and somehow strangely comforted. I’m not alone. Others suffer with me.

Will I ever see a day where I don’t feel this aching pain? This longing for a home to call my own, I wonder…?

Sometimes all I have is this thorn in my side and… I can’t see. Pre-occupied with something… Pre-occupied…

We all suffer from the same conditions and yet instead of caring and understanding, our own pain causes us to inflict pain on others.

If I could end everyone’s pain at once, I would. The world would be a better place. The truth is, this place is cursed.

It’s only what you make with what you have that matters.

I will carry on because it is what I do but am I the reason for this pain or is it something else? I wonder… Pre-occupied with something… Pre-occupied…