It seemed that I could feel with a huge capacity and the desire to create was enormous
I sing a song of yesterday and for a moment a ray of sun shines upon me where otherwise I’m caught in a storm
The mundanity of life. The same rituals. The same practices. I’m caught in an insane loop.
It feels like I don’t have control over some things. I think a lot about destiny. I think a lot about it and I wonder if I’m destined to fail. Maybe because I’m too weak willed, weak minded, too driven by emotions.
Strange, because I once thought that to be good. I don’t always know what to believe and I am caught in a vortex of futility. I long for my release.
Always thought I’d be the hero in my own story but I feel more and more like the villain with each passing day.
I think a lot about my own capacity. My own capacity to make it through things… Is it true this time that it’s withered? The confrontation I’ve longed for all my life. The test that was to come. Did I fail? Did I not make it? Did I miss the bus?
I think about these things all day and they become my mantra.
Any bit of hope is welcome. I can’t see in the dark and neither can you.
There exists a treasure buried at the foot of a mountain
They say it only comes to you in a dream
Therefore, very few people have found that treasure
Many people seek the treasure but look in all the wrong places
It seems the location is only revealed to a select few
Once, it came to a man in a dream and he went out and told the townspeople “follow me to the treasure,” but no one followed.
So the man went on a journey alone to discover the treasure at the foot of the mountain.
The journey was perilous and not without trial but the man was determined to find the treasure
By some miracle unknown he discovered the treasure buried deep within the footbed of the mountain. He thought “If I had to climb down from the top, this would be harder.”
When he found the treasure, the treasure was vast and innumerable. There was more than enough to share. So he took his share of the treasure and went back to the town where he lived.
The townspeople marveled at the gold, jewel and trinkets that the man had brought back. He tried to tell them where to find this buried treasure and that there was more than enough for everyone. When he told them how easy it was, no one believed him. And so, no one else in that town found the treasure for themselves.
The man kept the gold and trinkets and split the wealth, so that way everyone could be wealthy. Some, instead of asking, took from him. But since he was going to give it away anyway, he did not convict them.
The man kept going back to the source of the treasure and bringing back more because the townspeople couldn’t do it themselves.
Eventually, the townspeople had so much gold that they stopped taking from him.
“We have enough gold already,” they said.
The townspeople and the man wound up living merrily with all the gold they had acquired. They had more than enough gold and money to buy material things so they just continued to accumulate wealth until they had an abundance.
Artistic Apathy 