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Stuck in this elevator…

Pitch black. Can’t see my way out.

It feels like it’s not moving, like it’s not going anywhere.

I crouch in a corner of this cold steel cage.

I grip my knees and rock back and forth trying to console myself.

The elevator is my own mind.

Constantly facing and fighting my own insecurities and doubts about myself.

It’s like being stuck in a pitch black elevator. Everywhere you look, darkness.

There’s no emergency button either. I have to be down for the ride.

Where is this elevator going? Up or down? I just hope it’s up for my sake.

It’s getting harder and harder but somehow I feel in control.

A strange feeling.

Will I finally reach the top floor?

Buried Treasure

There exists a treasure buried at the foot of a mountain

They say it only comes to you in a dream

Therefore, very few people have found that treasure

Many people seek the treasure but look in all the wrong places

It seems the location is only revealed to a select few

Once, it came to a man in a dream and he went out and told the townspeople “follow me to the treasure,” but no one followed.

So the man went on a journey alone to discover the treasure at the foot of the mountain.

The journey was perilous and not without trial but the man was determined to find the treasure

By some miracle unknown he discovered the treasure buried deep within the footbed of the mountain. He thought “If I had to climb down from the top, this would be harder.”

When he found the treasure, the treasure was vast and innumerable. There was more than enough to share. So he took his share of the treasure and went back to the town where he lived.

The townspeople marveled at the gold, jewel and trinkets that the man had brought back. He tried to tell them where to find this buried treasure and that there was more than enough for everyone. When he told them how easy it was, no one believed him. And so, no one else in that town found the treasure for themselves.

The man kept the gold and trinkets and split the wealth, so that way everyone could be wealthy. Some, instead of asking, took from him. But since he was going to give it away anyway, he did not convict them.

The man kept going back to the source of the treasure and bringing back more because the townspeople couldn’t do it themselves.

Eventually, the townspeople had so much gold that they stopped taking from him.

“We have enough gold already,” they said.

The townspeople and the man wound up living merrily with all the gold they had acquired. They had more than enough gold and money to buy material things so they just continued to accumulate wealth until they had an abundance.


The Longest Day Ever

It was a little before 12 P.M. and I was with my sister and her friend. We were laughing, smoking and having a good time listening to music. Then I retreated to my quarters (my room) and got started writing a new song I was really eager to work on. The time until I had to go to work inched its way closer little by little until finally I had 10 minutes. All I had was 10 minutes. It was 12:20 P.M. and I don’t know why but in that moment I was so grateful for those 10 minutes.
All I needed was 10 minutes and I could make my mark on this song. So I continued to work, and a minute passed. Slowly, slowly passing. 12:21 now. Each minute felt like its own special moment, a microcosm. I was happy. At least I had these last 10 minutes like when someone is given a few moments with their loved one before they are torn apart from them forever.

Then finally it was 12:30 P.M. My high spirits came crashing down at the very thought of having to go in that day. Everything just seemed perfect and work would ruin that. A thought came into mind “you don’t have to go.” At that exact moment, the headphones I was listening to the song with short circuited and interrupted the playback, bringing me back into the present moment. It felt oddly uncanny. That moment was later followed by a fired up feeling in me. Almost like a green light telling me what needed to be done. I thought “I have to go to work because it’s what you do.”

So I mustered up all the willpower I had and got ready to go out the door. While all this is happening, I look to a mentor of mine for guidance. He always talks about things of this nature. I can’t find the right video to tell me the “right thing.” Which was just what I wanted to hear in that moment. It got to a point of ridiculousness as I was feverishly searching for that one video where he said that one thing I liked so much. But being the responsible person that I am, I nevertheless kept moving towards my obligation.

Strangely it felt like time was slowed. I checked my phone and what felt like 20 minutes was really only a couple of minutes. It was so strange and bizarre. The cars were moving in extra slow motion, drenched in molasses. And there it was. My chariot. The bus was on time and parked at the stop as usual. Just seeing the bus up there gave me a nauseating feeling. I got to one corner of the street to cross the intersection , and looked at my phone. 12:40 P.M. “The bus leaves in 5 minutes,” I thought. 5 minutes and I would be across the street and then I’d make my way to the bus stop.

I finally got across the intersection, crossed the street to the side of the street where the bus was and stood on that corner and looked at the bus. It almost haunted me. At that moment I felt like I had to make a choice and no one could make it for me. The videos weren’t supplying the answer, even freezing up and crashing on me, forcing me to think for myself. That nauseating feeling in my body was still present. The more I looked at the bus the more I became sickened. I couldn’t do it. I decided against it. I walked back in the other direction, going home. Regretting nothing. Still thoughts came up about whether or not I let people down but I quickly brushed those aside.

See, those people can’t make decisions for me because they aren’t in my shoes. They only see from their limited perspective. They can only offer me what they would do in that situation but they don’t have the answers. Only I have those. Only I know what I’m subjecting myself to. What’s truly necessary for my nurture and growth.

So I continued on having felt vindicated. Almost immediately after my mind was made up my sister calls my phone and asks if I left for work. I confidently said no, explained the reasons why and ended the phone call shortly after. It was almost like I had to confirm it to myself by telling her over the phone. I know many won’t understand this line of thinking.

Later that day I was in the store, time still moving as slow as ever. Some men that must have been African come in speaking their native tongue and my ear is tuned to every word they are saying. I don’t understand anything but I’m really curious and fascinated at the same time. I’m observing everything. It feels somehow like I’ve entered a new reality.

I come back home from the store with food to meet my sister. Suddenly I’m really thankful to have her in my life. She’s usually been there for me and we can depend on each other for a lot. I begin eating the food and I’m eating it as if it were my last meal. Not a single crumb was on the plate when I finished. I thoroughly enjoyed it. Like you’re supposed to.

Then, I go in my room and feeling energized I get back to writing that song I was working on. I suddenly realized how valuable me and my time is.

Something told me to look up musicians who had day jobs before making a career from music. I listened to one interview in particular from Tyler The Creator where he talked about some jobs he worked before becoming famous. Starbucks, and Fedex. When he talked about the Fedex job he said it was mainly old guys pushing around boxes and they were fine doing that for a living. He explained that seeing that scared him so much that he didn’t last long at all before quitting. Jimmy Kimmel (interviewer) then made a brief comment saying that if he knew what Tyler would later become he would have told him to quit as well.

I immediately resonated with all that. At the job I was working, a much much older man was showing me the ropes. He told me all about how he had been working there for years. Nothing ever changed. It was still the same work when he started and will be when he finishes. I looked at him and thought about all the potential he had to be great. It was all inside of him. In all of us. Then, to feel better, I tried to tell myself that he was fine living that way and that there was nothing wrong with that.

But that was only to convince myself.

Oddly enough, his daughter became a licensed therapist. It seemed she had made something of herself while her dad just kind of took a backseat.

Tyler also got fired from his Starbucks position citing that it was “the greatest moment of (his) life.” I wondered if this moment was something like that for me. It definitely felt different. I didn’t feel the same as before and I valued myself as a person more. If I had any doubts about whether or not I made the right decision they were vanquished with reassurance after reassurance. Now that I had more than 10 minutes of my time, what will I do with the rest?

One Long Night

I trail on alone… in the darkness.

I’ve never been more frightened. It’s thundering and the clouds are dark and charged with rain.

For a moment, it seems the only thing raining down tonight is me.

But I can’t turn back… not now anyway.

There’s nothing to go back to. They say home is where the heart is. In that case, my home is definitely not my home. And I have nowhere I can place my heart.

I feel stranded. Like the loneliest creature in this long and dreary night.

I call a friend but strangely their phone has been disconnected. It’s all awfully too convenient.

I look for a sign. Telling me to go back. Or to keep going. I’m done relying on signs. Suddenly, it begins to rain. So I search for the nearest cover. A tree provides me with temporary shelter. Still, I’m shaken with fear. Will anything ease my troubled mind?

Suddenly home doesn’t seem so bad. At least it’s a shelter from all the dangers of life. Although one day I won’t have that safety cushion anymore. I’ll have to venture out into the wilderness alone. Kind of like now.

Who or what will I give my heart to? Who or what will be the tree that shades me through the storms and the rain?

For now, there’s nobody. And that’s just a reality I have to deal with. Although I don’t want to, I will have to return home immediately. And not because anyone will worry about me. But because I have to. It’s my only home. As broken as it may be.

As the night progresses, I strangely find solace under this tree. This thing, it’s not a human but it’s providing me with necessary shelter. Life’s comical that way. I somehow find peace and quiet even though the weather has not yet tempered.

The street has no perceivable end. I could shout and no one would hear me.

It’s puzzling to me how no one is slightly worried for my safety. All I have is myself and an iTunes library of music. Is it enough? Who knows.

I was afraid of being caught in a thunderstorm but nature isn’t to be feared. It’s to be respected. And right now it’s coming through for me when no one is.

It’s not like I’m completely alone. But I might as well be. Having someone to talk to isn’t the same as having someone you can be yourself with, unapologetically.

I know I’ll make it through this. There’s no doubt in my mind. I always persevere and that’s a trait I like in myself. But for now all I see is a lost little boy. Alone in the rain.

Nightmare Novela

These days are becoming more and more meaningless and I’m losing sense of it all.

It all feels like a dream, like I’m living in a movie.

Each day I wake up I think that today’s the day where I “get it right.”

As if I even know what that means. There’s only so much you can do under quarantine.

I have all the entertainment and access in the world but I just want instant satisfaction. I’ve become jaded.

Now’s a good a time as any to work on the areas in your life that you didn’t have time for before.

But I don’t want to sit down and work on anything. I want satisfaction now. I can’t wait for it.

Still, I must go on or it will be another year perennially wasted.