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Now I’ve already told you and I’ll tell you again.

How many times do we have to do this go around before you get it?

Who knows. It seems like we’ve been in this same position for some time. Waiting for the growth to begin but what exactly details growth? What exactly are we looking for and what meets the criteria? And can this come about by simple exertion?

These are the questions that need answers but while we wait, still something has to be done about the current situation.

There is no guide, no compass that points north. We do the best with what we have. We do the best with the knowledge that we have. But then that is when you need more knowledge. But when does knowledge become too much knowledge and actual action is required on your part?

Life is too tormenting to figure out everything by oneself. Some things need to happen to advance the plot forward.

The Longest Day Ever

It was a little before 12 P.M. and I was with my sister and her friend. We were laughing, smoking and having a good time listening to music. Then I retreated to my quarters (my room) and got started writing a new song I was really eager to work on. The time until I had to go to work inched its way closer little by little until finally I had 10 minutes. All I had was 10 minutes. It was 12:20 P.M. and I don’t know why but in that moment I was so grateful for those 10 minutes.
All I needed was 10 minutes and I could make my mark on this song. So I continued to work, and a minute passed. Slowly, slowly passing. 12:21 now. Each minute felt like its own special moment, a microcosm. I was happy. At least I had these last 10 minutes like when someone is given a few moments with their loved one before they are torn apart from them forever.

Then finally it was 12:30 P.M. My high spirits came crashing down at the very thought of having to go in that day. Everything just seemed perfect and work would ruin that. A thought came into mind “you don’t have to go.” At that exact moment, the headphones I was listening to the song with short circuited and interrupted the playback, bringing me back into the present moment. It felt oddly uncanny. That moment was later followed by a fired up feeling in me. Almost like a green light telling me what needed to be done. I thought “I have to go to work because it’s what you do.”

So I mustered up all the willpower I had and got ready to go out the door. While all this is happening, I look to a mentor of mine for guidance. He always talks about things of this nature. I can’t find the right video to tell me the “right thing.” Which was just what I wanted to hear in that moment. It got to a point of ridiculousness as I was feverishly searching for that one video where he said that one thing I liked so much. But being the responsible person that I am, I nevertheless kept moving towards my obligation.

Strangely it felt like time was slowed. I checked my phone and what felt like 20 minutes was really only a couple of minutes. It was so strange and bizarre. The cars were moving in extra slow motion, drenched in molasses. And there it was. My chariot. The bus was on time and parked at the stop as usual. Just seeing the bus up there gave me a nauseating feeling. I got to one corner of the street to cross the intersection , and looked at my phone. 12:40 P.M. “The bus leaves in 5 minutes,” I thought. 5 minutes and I would be across the street and then I’d make my way to the bus stop.

I finally got across the intersection, crossed the street to the side of the street where the bus was and stood on that corner and looked at the bus. It almost haunted me. At that moment I felt like I had to make a choice and no one could make it for me. The videos weren’t supplying the answer, even freezing up and crashing on me, forcing me to think for myself. That nauseating feeling in my body was still present. The more I looked at the bus the more I became sickened. I couldn’t do it. I decided against it. I walked back in the other direction, going home. Regretting nothing. Still thoughts came up about whether or not I let people down but I quickly brushed those aside.

See, those people can’t make decisions for me because they aren’t in my shoes. They only see from their limited perspective. They can only offer me what they would do in that situation but they don’t have the answers. Only I have those. Only I know what I’m subjecting myself to. What’s truly necessary for my nurture and growth.

So I continued on having felt vindicated. Almost immediately after my mind was made up my sister calls my phone and asks if I left for work. I confidently said no, explained the reasons why and ended the phone call shortly after. It was almost like I had to confirm it to myself by telling her over the phone. I know many won’t understand this line of thinking.

Later that day I was in the store, time still moving as slow as ever. Some men that must have been African come in speaking their native tongue and my ear is tuned to every word they are saying. I don’t understand anything but I’m really curious and fascinated at the same time. I’m observing everything. It feels somehow like I’ve entered a new reality.

I come back home from the store with food to meet my sister. Suddenly I’m really thankful to have her in my life. She’s usually been there for me and we can depend on each other for a lot. I begin eating the food and I’m eating it as if it were my last meal. Not a single crumb was on the plate when I finished. I thoroughly enjoyed it. Like you’re supposed to.

Then, I go in my room and feeling energized I get back to writing that song I was working on. I suddenly realized how valuable me and my time is.

Something told me to look up musicians who had day jobs before making a career from music. I listened to one interview in particular from Tyler The Creator where he talked about some jobs he worked before becoming famous. Starbucks, and Fedex. When he talked about the Fedex job he said it was mainly old guys pushing around boxes and they were fine doing that for a living. He explained that seeing that scared him so much that he didn’t last long at all before quitting. Jimmy Kimmel (interviewer) then made a brief comment saying that if he knew what Tyler would later become he would have told him to quit as well.

I immediately resonated with all that. At the job I was working, a much much older man was showing me the ropes. He told me all about how he had been working there for years. Nothing ever changed. It was still the same work when he started and will be when he finishes. I looked at him and thought about all the potential he had to be great. It was all inside of him. In all of us. Then, to feel better, I tried to tell myself that he was fine living that way and that there was nothing wrong with that.

But that was only to convince myself.

Oddly enough, his daughter became a licensed therapist. It seemed she had made something of herself while her dad just kind of took a backseat.

Tyler also got fired from his Starbucks position citing that it was “the greatest moment of (his) life.” I wondered if this moment was something like that for me. It definitely felt different. I didn’t feel the same as before and I valued myself as a person more. If I had any doubts about whether or not I made the right decision they were vanquished with reassurance after reassurance. Now that I had more than 10 minutes of my time, what will I do with the rest?

Upcoming Artist Shares Emotional Experience With Fans

Deko is an artist out of the new wave that is seeing a meteoric rise thanks in part to his really successful song Phantasy Star Online. While Deko has been grinding for a minute, (working as a producer with credits to his name) his hit has put him on a lot of people’s radars including my own.

What caught my attention about this guy is his use of aesthetic appeal while still churning out infectious danceable beats and catchy melodies and bars. No wonder as Deko is a big fan of the very popular sub-genre of music: Nightcore (amongst other genres of dance music.)

His music videos are colorful, and filled with references to geek culture including many references to anime and Japanese culture.

It’s safe to say that he is at the forefront of a new sound that’s emerging in the underground. One filled with danceable beats, melodic flows, and many references to popular nerd culture.

That’s why last night was especially memorable. Deko was streaming on Twitch to about 100 viewers at the time. The stream felt especially intimate. The vibes were chill and everyone was having a good time. Deko took us through some of the projects he’s been working on. Which I won’t go into detail about to protect his privacy. He previewed one song in particular that absolutely stunned me.

Deko samples popular Japanese pop group Perfume for a banger that’s sure to be a hit.

Perfume (pictured above)
A-chan (far left), Kashiyuka (center), Nocchi (far right)

This blend of genres is something new and unfamiliar and somehow Deko manages to make it all work.

He later took us through some of his favorite music, featuring acts such as Perfume, Mondo Grosso, Porter Robinson, and an artist I’ve never heard before: VIRTUAL SELF. Fans in the stream got particularly emotional when Deko played some of the more sentimental songs amongst his favorites. Many fans recognized the music because they had already heard it and for those who hadn’t, they felt like they had stumbled onto something new.

Truly it was a magical moment for many, leading to many inspiring talks and rants. That is why Deko gets my seal of approval. The artist that knows how to genuinely connect with their fans can’t ever lose. This is the essence of a die hard fan base.

I for one can’t wait to see what’s next for him.

Artistic Apathy ©


I want to know what makes you tick.

What fascinates you, scares you, worries you.

I want to know your deepest fears and your deepest desires.

Be honest with me. I won’t judge you.

After all, what am I here for?

I want you to know that you can confide in me and I’ll never let you down as long as I live.

You are my heart and I am yours.

Let’s just curl up in bed all day and be lazy. We don’t have to leave this room. The world can wait.

It will wait for us. And I will wait for you, as long as I have to.

How Anime Has Shaped Me

I’ve been watching anime ever since I was just starting out in elementary school. I still distinctly remember the first series of Naruto being aired on Cartoon Network.

Before that, it was series like Pokemon and Digimon that first introduced me to anime. And also an oft-forgotten series: Medabots. There was also the programming block late night on Cartoon Network: Toonami that aired re-runs of anime like Inuyasha, Ruroni Kenshin and Cowboy Bebop.

Anime was an integral part of me growing up and even inspired my own works of fiction. Not only was it a staple of my childhood but each anime along the way has shaped my ideals and morals to a point worth noting.

It was in Naruto, the hated underdog that was desperate for love and connection that I found part of myself in.

When I was younger I wasn’t always the most popular kid in school but I related to Naruto’s mission and journey. He was out to prove something but along the way he became someone he could be proud of. A true friend and hero to the people he cared about. He no longer needed approval from people because he found acceptance in his friends and colleagues. Naruto got his happy ending but it wasn’t without struggle and perseverance. And I think that’s something you just can’t knock.

Naruto had to literally conquer his demons to be able to gain victory in life. The metaphors in this show alone go over some people’s head but there are life lessons here.

Later in life, I decided to check out an often recommended anime: Welcome to the NHK. It was in the character Satou, that I found representation.

I had never seen a character with social anxiety represented before. I related to this character on so many different levels. His ending was not so much a happy ending but a realistic one. He didn’t achieve everything he set out to but he found something that worked for him and he got better.

It was in Ryuko, a high schooler at a brawling academy that I became to believe in girl power fully.

Needless to say, I took a lot of lessons away from anime and without it maybe I wouldn’t be who I am today. It’s entertaining but also relates to real life and there is an anime for any point and time in your life. I think more people should give it a chance.

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