personal – Artistic Apathy

Elevator

Stuck in this elevator…

Pitch black. Can’t see my way out.

It feels like it’s not moving, like it’s not going anywhere.

I crouch in a corner of this cold steel cage.

I grip my knees and rock back and forth trying to console myself.

The elevator is my own mind.

Constantly facing and fighting my own insecurities and doubts about myself.

It’s like being stuck in a pitch black elevator. Everywhere you look, darkness.

There’s no emergency button either. I have to be down for the ride.

Where is this elevator going? Up or down? I just hope it’s up for my sake.

It’s getting harder and harder but somehow I feel in control.

A strange feeling.

Will I finally reach the top floor?

Respite

I feel like the prisoner in my own mind…

Longing to break free…

What’s it going to take to break this spell that’s on me?

What’s real and what’s fake? What’s true and what’s false?

Lines are blurred and I escape reason and dance a dance full of folly

Afraid of what the future holds. I’d do anything to hear a word of encouragement. To hear something comforting.

I feel like I’m defective. Must be something wrong with me…

I try to fix myself but if I’m the problem then how can I fix things myself?

I’m altogether burdened and long for respite.

Who will be the shoulder for me to lean on? Where can my soul find its peace at long last?

I search everywhere for answers, frantically, not a moment of rest, restlessly looking for the answer…

Rapture in Rhapsody

The place where I belong is short lived

For a few minutes, I get to feel something new while experiencing something quaint

My spirit longs for its release but alas I am only flesh

Free me from the captivity which binds me. Loosen my harnesses! Free me from restraint!

With each resounding note I feel myself becoming a little bit free-er.

The melodies are etched on the litany of my soul. The music lives through me. Through my very being.

And I embody it. I take it on. It becomes a part of my persona as distinguishable as a laugh, for example.

For a moment, I swore I had wings. If I had wings then I would fly. But I’m bound physically and other times mentally too.

At least I can escape, if only for a moment…

I’ve Decided

I’ve decided that life is too short to go on wasting it.

Wasting it at a job you don’t like, wasting it doing nothing of value, wasting it…

I’ve decided to live. I’ve decided to let bygones be bygones, I’ve decided to forgive…

I’ve decided that life is too short to go on carrying hostility or animosity toward someone.

Life is too short to second-guess yourself… Whether you’re good enough or have what it takes, it doesn’t matter…

What we want out of life, seems like something so far out of reach but in an instant everything can change. Everything. Suddenly, you have it all.

But what then? What happens afterward? I don’t want my life to be chasing a carrot on a stick.

I’ve decided to follow my heart.

I found out that the person I was looking for all along isn’t out there. I was looking for myself. I’d like to meet me. Not the me everybody knows. But the real me.

I’ve decided to face my dark emotions.

I’ve decided that crying is okay. Being alone is okay. Feeling blue is okay.

We’re all human.

I’ve decided that it’s okay to be vulnerable. Doesn’t matter the time or circumstance. It’s egoic to pretend you have everything.

I’ve decided

to love.

;

Double Barrel

My pain is like a deep ocean and I am wading in it

Waiting in it…

There is no rescue. There is no life preserver. It’s only me, staring down the barrel.

I feel it so deeply, and somehow strangely comforted. I’m not alone. Others suffer with me.

Will I ever see a day where I don’t feel this aching pain? This longing for a home to call my own, I wonder…?

Sometimes all I have is this thorn in my side and… I can’t see. Pre-occupied with something… Pre-occupied…

We all suffer from the same conditions and yet instead of caring and understanding, our own pain causes us to inflict pain on others.

If I could end everyone’s pain at once, I would. The world would be a better place. The truth is, this place is cursed.

It’s only what you make with what you have that matters.

I will carry on because it is what I do but am I the reason for this pain or is it something else? I wonder… Pre-occupied with something… Pre-occupied…