journal – Artistic Apathy

Unrequited Love

Tossed by a sea filled with waves.

I go here and there looking for respite.

This shoddy boat has gotten me this far, but I notice something.

The boat is beginning to sink.

And there is a storm coming.

I look around but there is no one. Just a never-ending sea.

The storm is coming…

I appear to be in the center of it.

At least that’s how it feels.

I never thought today would be the day I go down with this boat.

This boat, it’s more of a life raft.

I’ve clung to it for so long and it’s gotten me only so far.

I long for a new shore yet all I see is the sea before me.

I think “if I go down with this thing, at least, I’ll be food for the fish.”

My body going down to the very bottom of this sea.

The very tyrannical depths. The depths that I have feared most of my life.

The things you find there. Frightening things. Things I dare not even to speak of. Things I rather not think about.

There is a pain in my chest and an uneasy settled feeling in the pit of my stomach.

That feeling that’s always there. Storm or not.

Suddenly I see a big wave coming towards me. All while this boat is on its last legs.

I see no other option but to drown.

The wave is a force of nature.

Much like life is.

Life happens to everybody.

I think that’s the saddest thing of all.

No one is left unscathed. No one is left without being tossed around by the sea.

As the wave heads towards me I say a prayer.

The boat is almost nearly submerged in the water.

I think about everyone I’ve ever known.

Did they care at all? Or did they just pretend to care?

The wave is getting closer. There’s no one there to save me.

No one holding their hand out. No other person on a life raft.

Just me and the boat.

It’s only me.

Resolution

What will become of me?

Uncertainty grips me and a ticking time bomb is formed in the pit of my stomach

Tick tock… Only moments until it spontaneously combusts.

This worry, this anxiety, is it necessary or is it something I may discard like a used tissue?

Why am I so fearful of something that is only in my body?

And why do things have to go my way ever time? Could things be perfectly fine not going my way?

Why do I need to have a control on things and what do I hope to get in return?

Also, why do I need the answers to these questions or is this another attempt at obtaining control?

My worst fears made true… Them not approving of me. Me being abandoned and cast aside like a cigarette butt out of a car window

My worst fear is being forgotten. If I’m forgotten then what becomes of me? What will happen? Who am I and what am I here to do?

I’m afraid I’ll have nothing. Nothing to fall back on. No security. No sense of comfort. Just utter loneliness.

Let me feel this void a bit longer because something tells me something is trying to come through.

Life is teaching me something and there’s still a lot left more to learn.

Rapture in Rhapsody

The place where I belong is short lived

For a few minutes, I get to feel something new while experiencing something quaint

My spirit longs for its release but alas I am only flesh

Free me from the captivity which binds me. Loosen my harnesses! Free me from restraint!

With each resounding note I feel myself becoming a little bit free-er.

The melodies are etched on the litany of my soul. The music lives through me. Through my very being.

And I embody it. I take it on. It becomes a part of my persona as distinguishable as a laugh, for example.

For a moment, I swore I had wings. If I had wings then I would fly. But I’m bound physically and other times mentally too.

At least I can escape, if only for a moment…

I’ve Decided

I’ve decided that life is too short to go on wasting it.

Wasting it at a job you don’t like, wasting it doing nothing of value, wasting it…

I’ve decided to live. I’ve decided to let bygones be bygones, I’ve decided to forgive…

I’ve decided that life is too short to go on carrying hostility or animosity toward someone.

Life is too short to second-guess yourself… Whether you’re good enough or have what it takes, it doesn’t matter…

What we want out of life, seems like something so far out of reach but in an instant everything can change. Everything. Suddenly, you have it all.

But what then? What happens afterward? I don’t want my life to be chasing a carrot on a stick.

I’ve decided to follow my heart.

I found out that the person I was looking for all along isn’t out there. I was looking for myself. I’d like to meet me. Not the me everybody knows. But the real me.

I’ve decided to face my dark emotions.

I’ve decided that crying is okay. Being alone is okay. Feeling blue is okay.

We’re all human.

I’ve decided that it’s okay to be vulnerable. Doesn’t matter the time or circumstance. It’s egoic to pretend you have everything.

I’ve decided

to love.

;

Double Barrel

My pain is like a deep ocean and I am wading in it

Waiting in it…

There is no rescue. There is no life preserver. It’s only me, staring down the barrel.

I feel it so deeply, and somehow strangely comforted. I’m not alone. Others suffer with me.

Will I ever see a day where I don’t feel this aching pain? This longing for a home to call my own, I wonder…?

Sometimes all I have is this thorn in my side and… I can’t see. Pre-occupied with something… Pre-occupied…

We all suffer from the same conditions and yet instead of caring and understanding, our own pain causes us to inflict pain on others.

If I could end everyone’s pain at once, I would. The world would be a better place. The truth is, this place is cursed.

It’s only what you make with what you have that matters.

I will carry on because it is what I do but am I the reason for this pain or is it something else? I wonder… Pre-occupied with something… Pre-occupied…