depression – Page 7 – Artistic Apathy

My Struggle With Being Bipolar

A little fact you may not know about me is that I have bipolar disorder. And recently I’ve been diagnosed with schizophrenia.

My road with mental illness (and I’m reluctant to say “battle” as many who suffer from mental illness have endured a lot more than I have) started a couple years ago in 2016 when I had my first manic episode triggered by some anti-depressants I was taking.

Since then I’ve had two more episodes. Thankfully these episodes didn’t last long and didn’t leave much in their wake but a broken self-esteem.

I was embarrassed of the choices I made and more importantly how I was perceived. Not only that but I terrified my family.

For a while I really didn’t feel good about myself. I was wondering why it had to be me. Why did I have to be diagnosed with this condition? I was worried about the stigma and also the destructive nature that is mania.

Part of me enjoyed mania. When I’m manic, the world is rose colored and the possibilities are endless. I have boundless energy and resolve to meet my goals. I met a lot of unforgettable people because of this. Normally I’m more of a homebody but when I’m manic I like to take risks and am adventurous. But there’s a dark side. I’m not rational. And I can hurt myself and even those around me if I’m not careful.

It’s a part of me I rather people not know about. I don’t want people to know about the things I did while manic.

There are also lows where one feels like everything is hopeless and considers suicide as a actual viable option. Which I know now is never an option.

Life is unfair, that much is known. I’ve gone from bipolar II which is a less severe form to bipolar I a more severe form, to now being diagnosed with bipolar and schizophrenia at the same time.

I did what they asked but still things only got worse and recently I had the most terrifying moment in my life happen that left me thinking “well, what now?”

My life is now a series of gray areas and I’m not sure what to hold on to anymore.

When I feel too happy, I wonder if it’s because an episode is coming on. I try not to project into the future but these episodes happen. Although not as frequent as with some people, I’m still wary of one coming on. In the past I thought I would be able to sense when an episode was coming but each time has been different and I never really realize I’m living in a delusion until it’s too late.

In these states, there’s usually recurring elements. I wonder what they tell me about myself. I always believe in the same things, go after the same things. I always go to the same places. Surely there’s something to learn from it. But I guess that’s just taking the good with the bad.

This was more of a post to just cope with some thoughts and feelings I have been having lately. If you made it through it all, I applaud you. If not, I don’t hold it against you.

This is my world. Thank you for reading.

The Name Artistic Apathy and What it Means

The definition of apathy is lack of interest, enthusiasm, or concern. Hopefully I don’t have to define artistic for you, because even that definition varies among people. So, Artistic Apathy? What do I mean by that. Well, if it’s not already obvious, it means basically, no enthusiasm or interest for pursuit in the arts.

You may think that’s a strange name for a blog that’s all about art. Well, that moniker is somewhat personal.

I believe certain people have an innate desire to create. When that person is cut off from their creativity, they begin to deteriorate. This can happen in the form of a creative block, where no ideas are coming out or in my case, you could lose all sense of who you are and your purpose to the point where creating is the least of your worries. The very thing I was cutting myself off from could have been my saving grace.

Anyway, I see this as turning over a new leaf. This blog was part of that. The name is just to acknowledge that that was something I went through and still might go through.

I want to share something personal with you all now, and it relates to all this.

I wrote my first complete story in a long time. Albeit, it was a bit short but I was very proud of it. I used my own pain and experience to write it and I felt like I wrote characters people could really connect to.

I had to kill off one of my beloved characters for the sake of the advancement of the story. Their death triggered something within me and I cried actual tears. I had never been impacted by a story like that before and it was something I wrote. I knew then that this means a lot to me. It was the first real release I had in a long time.

If I knew then just how important my creativity was, it would have helped a lot. Thank you for reading. Till the next post.

Emotional Catharsis Through Music

When you are feeling gloomy, just got through a bad breakup etc. do you go to that one special song you know will make you feel better? I like listening to soundtracks, instrumentals, when I am feeling down. Why in particular? I find that when there are no lyrics you just get pure emotion from the music. There aren’t any lyrics putting thoughts in your head. For example, a song about a breakup. It will be hard to imagine anything else with lyrics like “I miss you baby!” Don’t get me wrong, sometimes a song will have lyrics and I will still get a completely different feel than the message of the song. But not often. For this purpose I prefer music with no lyrics when I am wallowing. Often times I don’t know what’s so comforting about the song but other times I am able to point out the exact emotion a song gives me like “longing” and “loss” and I feel all my emotions spill out. I recommend when you are feeling not so yourself to not try to cover up feelings with happy go-lucky songs. Confront your emotions head on and hey, you might just learn something about yourself you didn’t know before.