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Newfound Hope

This year has been tumultuous to say the least. I entered 2018 with the state of mind that I would finally change for the better and get my act together. With that came a lot of obstacles, a lot of the year is a blur to be honest. I don’t remember most of it but what I will never forget is the friends I made along the way. At some point I met someone that I would become very close friends with. Together we came to form a sort of family, a mötley cruë if you will. People with their own set of quirks but still good people. I’m thankful that they stuck around on this rollercoaster of a ride. I’ll never forget the memories and the laughter we shared together. The antics and the playful banter. This year I went toe to toe with anxiety and depression and at times I felt like giving up. I thought I didn’t know who I was and what I was meant to do. Through the storm there is always a ray of light however. My apathy was at it’s zenith and I thought I lost my zeal for life for good, but with the inspiration from a friend and also a motivation inside me I found myself doing the things I love most again. Now towards the end of the year, just in time for Christmas and the New Year, I went in with the most precious gift I could ever receive. Newfound purpose and a hope. I wish everyone a Happy New Year and a Merry Christmas.

Below is a couple songs that got me through the year if you’re at all interested. Kind of a way of saying goodbye to the old memories and habits and moving onto the New Year with a new perspective in mind. In order (kinda)

Ellegarden – The Autumn Song

Chiddy Bang – The Opposite of Adults

nothing, nowhere – hammer

nothing, nowhere – rejecter

Kingdom Hearts – Dearly Beloved

The Fray – You Found Me

Ken Arai [Switched OST] – Believe

Ken Arai [Shitsuren Chocolatier OST] – Marble

Jay Chou – Secret

Yui – Merry Go Round


Truthfully, I do not know what I want.

All I know is that I want to remain by your side forever.

I don’t know why I feel the way I do sometimes, I don’t know why I think the way I think.

I feel like I don’t understand myself.

I don’t feel like my own person.

Is that bad?

I don’t seem to know what makes me tick like I thought.

I feel this love for everything around me but still I don’t know what I should do with it.

It’s not something you can physically see.

At times I want to soar but I am flightless.

My heart jumps with joy.

I can feel something moving inside me.

I’m taken to new heights.

I marvel at the world like an infant who is just coming to know it.

Every passerby is a friendly face.

Although it may be dark out, there is a light in me that shines brighter than any lamp or streetlight against the night sky.

I want to live like this forever.

As long as I carry that light in me, I can pull through.

I don’t know what I want. I may think I do. Everyone has an idea of what’s best, and while I want to honor them I know the answer can only be found from within.

What if Your Heart Was Contained in a Box?

As I was journaling yesterday, I came up with an interesting metaphor. What if you could put all your hopes and dreams, feelings, including your defining moments, what you feel makes you you into a box? Basically what you put in this box is your world, your essence.

Anytime you become dismayed or you start to forget how far you’ve come, you can look in this box and be reminded of everything. Memories are potent, nostalgia is powerful but there’s nothing like actually being there. When you look in this box, it’s like being transported there and everything becomes clear.

Sometimes I feel really alone and by alone I don’t mean lonely. I just feel like no one understands me like I’d like them to. If I had this box then I could show them what I’m all about, then they might get it. Either they will get me or they will reject me.

If you had a box like this do you have someone in mind that you would want to show it to? At the risk that they will either chastise you or embrace you? Or would you keep the box locked up and never let anyone see it and keep your “treasure” to yourself?

You may feel alone in your world and that’s fine. You might remain and be the single inhabitant. Or someone may come along who wants to share that world with you. Who knows. Whether someone comes along and wants to share with you or not, it’s important that you stay true to yourself and never stop being you. By being yourself you will attract the right kind of people to you.

Side note: I couldn’t find an artist to credit for the GIF but it was too perfect to pass up. Wherever they are just know that it was put to good use.

The Soundtrack to Your Life

You ever watch a movie and think “wow this soundtrack goes perfect with this film,” something along those lines?

What if you had a soundtrack of your own that played randomly at certain moments of your life? Would it make your life better? Would those feelings be more intense?

Can you honestly say you have a soundtrack of your own?

What do you listen to when you’re sad? Happy? Depressed?

If I asked you right now to compile a playlist of songs that reflect the most vital moments in your history here on Earth, could you do it?

Do you know what song you would like to play at your funeral? Do you want people to be sad or happy?

I think the right song in the right moment can change everything. It can make that evening out something magical, that walk in the park all the more special.

Try making a playlist of your own. Pick the best songs you think best represent you. Write the soundtrack to your life and seize every opportunity!

Best wishes, everybody — the writer at Artistic Apathy