A sign perched on the glass door that reads “send help.”
A big heart with no one to give it to.
Shadows dance inside my room.
My thoughts are my only company.
We mourn what never was.
The busy world can be a perplexing place.
The only peace I find is when I’m alone inside my room.
Can’t live with them… Can’t live without them.
What a paradox.
Isolation either makes or breaks you.
Do I want to stick around to find where it takes me?
The wound of betrayal is constantly plaguing my mind.
Playing back scenes in my head. Rehearsing scenarios.
I realize that nothing is ever as it seems.
The fact that I could have been so naive…
To think people are really there for you when all they want is something.
Sometimes that thing is to hurt you. To hurt your confidence.
I’ve been regressing to old patterns and habits that no longer suit me.
It’s a way to deal with the pain that’s always been there lurking beneath the surface.
Slowly but surely, I am losing faith that there is any real good in the world.
Everywhere I go, I only see a broken world. A world that has constantly led us down one way or another.
Do we really choose the path that is thrust onto us or are we merely just going with the current of life?
Somehow though amidst all this I get the sense that I’ll be fine.
My life is my own. If I can create a world for me that is suitable to live in I think I will be fine.
The ghosts of the past will no longer have dominion over me.
I can have a blank slate. Nothing tying me to the old life that I used to live.
A life that maybe then was what I needed but now more than ever I need myself.
To come through for myself in a way that no one ever has.
After all, why wait for people to give you what you can give yourself?
I will desperately search for the light that is living inside me.
I will use that light to be the difference I’ve always wanted to be.
Maybe after all, there is hope…
Tossed by a sea filled with waves.
I go here and there looking for respite.
This shoddy boat has gotten me this far, but I notice something.
The boat is beginning to sink.
And there is a storm coming.
I look around but there is no one. Just a never-ending sea.
The storm is coming…
I appear to be in the center of it.
At least that’s how it feels.
I never thought today would be the day I go down with this boat.
This boat, it’s more of a life raft.
I’ve clung to it for so long and it’s gotten me only so far.
I long for a new shore yet all I see is the sea before me.
I think “if I go down with this thing, at least, I’ll be food for the fish.”
My body going down to the very bottom of this sea.
The very tyrannical depths. The depths that I have feared most of my life.
The things you find there. Frightening things. Things I dare not even to speak of. Things I rather not think about.
There is a pain in my chest and an uneasy settled feeling in the pit of my stomach.
That feeling that’s always there. Storm or not.
Suddenly I see a big wave coming towards me. All while this boat is on its last legs.
I see no other option but to drown.
The wave is a force of nature.
Much like life is.
Life happens to everybody.
I think that’s the saddest thing of all.
No one is left unscathed. No one is left without being tossed around by the sea.
As the wave heads towards me I say a prayer.
The boat is almost nearly submerged in the water.
I think about everyone I’ve ever known.
Did they care at all? Or did they just pretend to care?
The wave is getting closer. There’s no one there to save me.
No one holding their hand out. No other person on a life raft.
Just me and the boat.
It’s only me.
How many of us? Just how many of us are living a life that feels like ours? How many of us are simply just living? How many of us have taken a job because it felt like the “right” thing to do? And how many of us have led a life that leaves something to be desired? These are the themes that are explored in this visceral film. The main character struggles with his queer identity. Struggles to accept himself. The fear of the unknown is something that pervades much of humanity. As I’m typing this the haunting melodies from the fictional band in the movie play in the background. The very song is expressing how the protagonist feels. He wants to desperately be himself but he’s afraid of what will come with it. This is one of my favorite movies for a reason. It’s been a comfort of mine for some time. This is only the fifth or sixth time watching this movie.
I had to ask myself why is that? I’ve come to the conclusion that I see myself in the main character. The call to adventure. The call to go deeper. Like Neo in the Matrix. You can either live in a dream world that is essentially an illusion, or you can go deeper and find out how deep the rabbit hole goes.
Throughout the film there’s this sense that the character in the plot is running out of time. Even when seemingly all hope is lost there’s still this sense that the character can turn back time and start living as he truly is meant to be.
We’ve all exchanged the truth for a lie at some point in our lives. Sometimes it’s easier to believe the lie. This lie however, this belief that we are truly living life is the biggest deception of all. You think, I have a job. I have a source of income. Maybe you are in school. Everything can appear fine on the surface. But inside we are facing an inner turmoil of great magnitude.
“Do you remember the TV show we used to watch?” “Are you sure it was just a TV show?”
The basic themes of the call to adventure permeate this entire movie. I know the feeling. Often times I feel like I’m just watching my life play out as if it’s an episode of television. Every day feels like an echo of the last. I’m well aware of what I ought to be doing but for some reason I can’t help but do what I rather not do. The biggest deception of all is that we have time. The only thing certain about life is death. The hour of our death no one knows. We all think that we have enough time before the clock runs out. If we all had a timer set that we could see of just how many hours, minutes, days we have left… How would we choose to live? Would you call up a relative you haven’t spoke to in a long time? Who would you forgive? How would you choose to live your life from that point onwards. This film is essentially a horror film but something about it is so comforting. I believe the movie in and of itself is a call to adventure. A call to know ourselves more deeply. The themes of gender identity aside I believe this film has something for all of us. That most importantly we must live out our truth. That the illusion that there is time is nothing more than that. An illusion. How will you decide to live your life today?
