Artistic Apathy

On the Subject of Friendship

Do you ever really lose a friend?

I can’t say I’ve ever lost a friend over a big dispute or in an ugly fashion. And I’m not speaking for those who’ve lost friends to something much more serious like an illness or passing, etc.

When you grow apart from a friend do they ever really leave you? I can count on two hands the friends that have mattered most to me in my short time here on earth. Each of those friends have left an impact on me and have shaped me in some fashion.

Unfortunately, life has a way of just separating you from people you were once close with. This is done so easily with friends as they tend to come and go. Simple differences like beliefs, attitudes, can be the cause. You may not see “eye to eye” anymore. Some friends you let go but still a part of you is holding on. You may check up on them from time to time but they’re not really a part of your daily life. I find myself years after last talking to someone, still having them in the back of my mind. I may even dream about them repeatedly, to my surprise. This shows me that I haven’t let go. Every true friend along the journey impacted me in such a way that they still have a place inside me. So, do you ever really let go of a friend? Even if things ended badly, do you not reflect on the good times? After all, they were good to you at one point. I know for me, I still consider them my friends in some way even though we don’t really communicate anymore.

Thank you for reading.

Piece of Me

I came up with another interesting metaphor the other day. What if your heart was divided into fragments and each person you loved carried a piece of it?

So, you don’t give your heart to a single person but multiple people, those you love, each get a piece of you. This also made me wonder, if there are only so many pieces, than there are only a limited amount of people you can truly love. Take family for example, your family might each have a piece of you but I believe that others carry a bigger piece of your love in them than others. You might secretly prefer one brother/sister over an another. I believe this makes sense because when your heart is broken, it’s not that your whole heart is broken but that a piece you gave someone has been broken. It can always be repaired. I think then we must be careful who we give a piece to because there are only so many. Someone might break a piece you give them and then you will wander for long looking for someone to mend it. You might want to save a piece for yourself too.

This has been the writer at Artistic Apathy, thank you for reading.

A Fond Memory

The cold envelopes everything around me.

I open the blinds, the sky is gray, there’s snow on the ground.

Inside I am warm. Inside I am safe.

I go into the kitchen to make breakfast.

Later that day I go outside, wrapped in my winter coat and wearing my winter boots.

I open that door and the sharp wind hits my face like a blast.

I’m covered head to toe but nothing to cover my face.

While I’m warm I can still tell how savagely cold it is.

I venture out to my favorite shop on foot, taking in my familiar surroundings that have been overtaken by the veil of winter.

Trees once magnificent have lost their leaves, the sun plays a game of hide-and-seek.

Still, life goes on. The seasons come and go, as they say.

I make it to my favorite shop after a long hike and everything is well in the world. It’s warm inside.

“Hi,” the cashier greets me.

“Hi,” I say.

Newfound Hope

This year has been tumultuous to say the least. I entered 2018 with the state of mind that I would finally change for the better and get my act together. With that came a lot of obstacles, a lot of the year is a blur to be honest. I don’t remember most of it but what I will never forget is the friends I made along the way. At some point I met someone that I would become very close friends with. Together we came to form a sort of family, a mötley cruë if you will. People with their own set of quirks but still good people. I’m thankful that they stuck around on this rollercoaster of a ride. I’ll never forget the memories and the laughter we shared together. The antics and the playful banter. This year I went toe to toe with anxiety and depression and at times I felt like giving up. I thought I didn’t know who I was and what I was meant to do. Through the storm there is always a ray of light however. My apathy was at it’s zenith and I thought I lost my zeal for life for good, but with the inspiration from a friend and also a motivation inside me I found myself doing the things I love most again. Now towards the end of the year, just in time for Christmas and the New Year, I went in with the most precious gift I could ever receive. Newfound purpose and a hope. I wish everyone a Happy New Year and a Merry Christmas.

Below is a couple songs that got me through the year if you’re at all interested. Kind of a way of saying goodbye to the old memories and habits and moving onto the New Year with a new perspective in mind. In order (kinda)

Ellegarden – The Autumn Song

Chiddy Bang – The Opposite of Adults

nothing, nowhere – hammer

nothing, nowhere – rejecter

Kingdom Hearts – Dearly Beloved

The Fray – You Found Me

Ken Arai [Switched OST] – Believe

Ken Arai [Shitsuren Chocolatier OST] – Marble

Jay Chou – Secret

Yui – Merry Go Round

Untitled

Truthfully, I do not know what I want.

All I know is that I want to remain by your side forever.

I don’t know why I feel the way I do sometimes, I don’t know why I think the way I think.

I feel like I don’t understand myself.

I don’t feel like my own person.

Is that bad?

I don’t seem to know what makes me tick like I thought.

I feel this love for everything around me but still I don’t know what I should do with it.

It’s not something you can physically see.

At times I want to soar but I am flightless.

My heart jumps with joy.

I can feel something moving inside me.

I’m taken to new heights.

I marvel at the world like an infant who is just coming to know it.

Every passerby is a friendly face.

Although it may be dark out, there is a light in me that shines brighter than any lamp or streetlight against the night sky.

I want to live like this forever.

As long as I carry that light in me, I can pull through.

I don’t know what I want. I may think I do. Everyone has an idea of what’s best, and while I want to honor them I know the answer can only be found from within.