writing – Page 25 – Artistic Apathy

Vivre Sa Vie

Did I make an oath underneath that moonlight? The moon seemed to be a recurring theme for that night. Once when I was on the roof and I delighted in its super glory and again on the side of the beach. The moon was playing peek-a-boo with me all night, shrouded in the clouds. I’m glad that we were able to stop and appreciate the beauty of nature after a night of wordly affairs.

That night as I gripped a beer bottle, I had to wonder what I’m really about. What does it mean to live one’s life truly? I think I was beginning to understand it more.

That night I felt free, I was up for anything. It was a time of exploration for me in the old colonial city. Something that I’m all about. Maybe that’s what it means for me. I wouldn’t mind trying new experiences and loosening up just a little. I usually feel like the odd one out in these situations but I feel I may really be coming into my own.

Do I have more of a grasp of what I’m really about or is this just the effects of some alcohol and some fleeting excitement? This I wonder. Either way it feels good to have any sort of clarity… Vivre sa vie… my life to live.

Growing Up

Growing up I learned a lot of things the hard way. Rarely did I ever take someone’s advice as truth and applied it to my life.

Fast forward to today and I’ve made it to where I am now but it hasn’t been without its fair share of bumps and bruises. Sometimes I can’t believe I used to act a certain way or think a certain way. I guess even when I thought I wasn’t progressing forward I was still evolving.

I wonder if life has a way of pushing us along even when we don’t push ourselves forward.

I often think about how little life experience I have. About what it exactly means to grow up. As a kid I didn’t have any heroes, I didn’t look up to anybody. No role models.

I was more inspired by animated heroes on television than I was by real people. And while they certainly had qualities I wanted to emulate, I couldn’t really become the hero of a village or savior of the planet.

I needed something to aspire to, some mold to fit into. I’m still figuring out what that is. I’m wondering what roads to take. Taking everyone’s advice and seeing how it could fit into my life like a puzzle.

I’m hoping I can be a better man for tomorrow, but I don’t know what being a man really means or what it means for me.

I hope I can figure it out soon.

I Wanna Be…

Growing up I was told I could be a number of things. Writer, illustrator, film director… and I believed them. My imagination pushed me forward and carried me through childhood and adolescence. Somewhere along the way I sort of lost sense of that and who I was. I began searching but I don’t think I was ever lost. To this day, I feel I still have a sense of what it is I need to do but I’m more doubtful. The vision is not that clear anymore. It seemed before it was clear what I needed to do. Now I’m not so sure… I see people of all sorts of backgrounds, from around the world, bask in excellence. Whether they’re an athlete, model, a singer, everyone has something they’re good at it and shine at… I just want that to be me. Let me be great, let me shine. I can’t stand the idea of being ordinary. I don’t want to fade away, I want to leave behind a legacy. I want to have impacted people in some way. I don’t want to just exist, I want to live. No longer do I want to look at others living their life to the fullest and wish that was me. I want to make it a reality. I want to fight for a dream worth fighting for. Let me be…

Love’s Mystique

The idea of love has long been elusive to me. At one point I even wondered if anyone loved me at all. I thought I had to go out of my way to find love.

Still, fast forward today and I’m still naive to what love is. I can say without question that I love my friends and family but to what extent does my love go? Could they ever do something to make me not love them anymore?

When does “love” cross over into something sacrificial? When you give up how you feel, and what you want for the betterment of others? Or is all real love sacrificial? As you can see this is something I’m still in the process of figuring out. Is it important to feel loved at all times to feel happy? Or can someone feel happy just being alone? I value alone time but I can’t be alone for too long before I start to feel like something is missing.

I’d like to experience a true love for once. For a long time I’ve fantasized about finding someone that is truly meant for me, who likes me for my quirks and enjoys spending time with me. That person hasn’t come around still but until then I wonder if there is a way I can “maximize” love. This may sound strange but I’ve heard many people say this is the key to happiness. If I can find it within myself to be a more loving person, maybe I will be more receptive to love and won’t feel like there’s a hole in my heart all the time. Just some thoughts.

This has been a very personal post from the writer at Artistic Apathy, signing off.

You Are

I laugh nervously

You charm with your iridescent personality

We play our music loud

We dance till we tire out

You’re spontaneous. You’re no more predictable than life itself.

Not even my sunglasses can block out the brightness of your smile

Your beauty is unmatched by anything I’ve seen in nature. You’re more beautiful than a breathtaking vista, a picturesque mountainscape. A bed of flowers lying in a valley.

You know just what to say to make me laugh. On the darkest of days you’re the ray of sun that pierces through the rainy clouds

My calm in the storm

We are inseparable but also very different

I could spend a lifetime and still not understand the inner workings of that head of yours

It’s a project I’m faithfully committed to, figuring out what makes you tick day by day

I’m glad that you chose me for this long journey we call life

You are…