The White Room

I slowly opened my eyes and saw nothing but white. A white wall. For a second I forgot just where I was. I was in the white room, where time moved at a crawl. Or did time really move at all? I seemed to have forgotten the concept of time. At first I could tell how much time had gone by because I was provided with a small mirror. When my beard grew out I knew it had been several days. But I didn’t have any tools to shave.

I think I’ve gone mad, I don’t know how long I’ve been in here and why… at first I came up with little stories to entertain myself. I learned how to be my best friend. I talked to myself a lot. I talked about how to break out. The door was right there, but I couldn’t bring myself to open it. I was afraid of what was on the other side. Many times I came close to opening it but decided not to. I still don’t know if it’s really locked or I just tricked myself into believing it. But I digress.

There was the wall to my right stained with blood from when I punched my knuckles bloody. I was frustrated and a little crazy. I don’t know what I thought. Maybe that I could punch my way out? But it was unsuccessful.

At that moment a buzzer rang. I looked up at the wall to my left and there was a red light flashing. The door swung open and a man in a white lab coat came inside. I stood up and faced him.

“Who are you?” I asked.

He just smiled.

“Are you ready to come out now?”

I didn’t know how to answer that question.

“Of course… I have been. For a while.”

“I don’t think you were ready. But now, are you ready?”

I stared at him for a moment then nodded.

“Why am I here? Who put me in here?”

The man smiled.

“I’ll show you. And when I show you, you won’t want to believe it.”

I followed him out of the room and the door shut behind me.

What I saw shocked me to my core.

Vivre Sa Vie

Did I make an oath underneath that moonlight? The moon seemed to be a recurring theme for that night. Once when I was on the roof and I delighted in its super glory and again on the side of the beach. The moon was playing peek-a-boo with me all night, shrouded in the clouds. I’m glad that we were able to stop and appreciate the beauty of nature after a night of wordly affairs.

That night as I gripped a beer bottle, I had to wonder what I’m really about. What does it mean to live one’s life truly? I think I was beginning to understand it more.

That night I felt free, I was up for anything. It was a time of exploration for me in the old colonial city. Something that I’m all about. Maybe that’s what it means for me. I wouldn’t mind trying new experiences and loosening up just a little. I usually feel like the odd one out in these situations but I feel I may really be coming into my own.

Do I have more of a grasp of what I’m really about or is this just the effects of some alcohol and some fleeting excitement? This I wonder. Either way it feels good to have any sort of clarity… Vivre sa vie… my life to live.

Growing Up

Growing up I learned a lot of things the hard way. Rarely did I ever take someone’s advice as truth and applied it to my life.

Fast forward to today and I’ve made it to where I am now but it hasn’t been without its fair share of bumps and bruises. Sometimes I can’t believe I used to act a certain way or think a certain way. I guess even when I thought I wasn’t progressing forward I was still evolving.

I wonder if life has a way of pushing us along even when we don’t push ourselves forward.

I often think about how little life experience I have. About what it exactly means to grow up. As a kid I didn’t have any heroes, I didn’t look up to anybody. No role models.

I was more inspired by animated heroes on television than I was by real people. And while they certainly had qualities I wanted to emulate, I couldn’t really become the hero of a village or savior of the planet.

I needed something to aspire to, some mold to fit into. I’m still figuring out what that is. I’m wondering what roads to take. Taking everyone’s advice and seeing how it could fit into my life like a puzzle.

I’m hoping I can be a better man for tomorrow, but I don’t know what being a man really means or what it means for me.

I hope I can figure it out soon.

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