vent – Artistic Apathy

I want to break free.
I want to be free.

I want to know what it means…

To suffer…

I want to be free of inhibitions,

I want to be with you lying under the stars.

I want you to look in my eyes, stars reflecting back to me, to tell me how much you need me and I will be there for you.

I want to take this mask off and show the world what’s hiding underneath. Sometimes though, I don’t know what that is.

Who am I really?

I don’t understand my feelings.

Why do certain things call to me? What do they mean? And why must I figure it all out? Or do I…? I think I’m just scared… of what they will think of me.

I feel pressured to have it all together. To appear like I have everything under control on the surface… To appear like a normal person. But what if I wanted to lose control for once, just to see what would happen? What would you think of me then? Would you still have this image of me or would you be disappointed?

What if I bared all my scars for you to see…?

I want to break free.

I don’t want my existence to be purely physical nor do I want to be defined by the limitations of a physical world.

I want to break free.

My heart soars and amplifies, and for a moment, I finally feel complete. Just to later come crashing down, facing myself in the mirror again.

I want to break free.

I want to sing a song and pour my entire soul into it.

I want you to feel where I’m coming from.

I want you to see me… to see the pain, the highs, the lows, the laughter and the cries. I want you to see it all, and I want you to feel something. Allow me to connect with you on a deeper level. Let’s explore our past traumas and sunken darkness and find the light that guides within that guides us all. Let’s move forward together.

I want to break free.

Everyday I wake up and wonder why I still have to live this way.

Why aren’t things different? And was this the life I was always meant to live?

My heart hurts and feels heavy… I want a shoulder to lay my head on but there is none.

No… Mustn’t cry. Mustn’t do that now… I only reserve that for behind closed doors. I can’t let them see me break down, I can’t let them see into me.

All the times I’ve broken down in silence and there was no one to comfort me.

The uncomfortable silence following a moment of unhinged sobbing…

I wipe my tears again, and just continue…

There was no shoulder for me but I can be one for you. Confide in me, I won’t expel you. I can be your confidante, if you’ll be mine. Together we can finish the race together and see it through until the end. I don’t want you to suffer like I had to, if I could I would end your pain, forever.

No… nobody needs me…

At least that’s what I tell myself. At least, that’s what it feels like. So it’s all the same.

I want to break free.

Want

Break

Free.

I trail on alone… in the darkness.

I’ve never been more frightened. It’s thundering and the clouds are dark and charged with rain.

For a moment, it seems the only thing raining down tonight is me.

But I can’t turn back… not now anyway.

There’s nothing to go back to. They say home is where the heart is. In that case, my home is definitely not my home. And I have nowhere I can place my heart.

I feel stranded. Like the loneliest creature in this long and dreary night.

I call a friend but strangely their phone has been disconnected. It’s all awfully too convenient.

I look for a sign. Telling me to go back. Or to keep going. I’m done relying on signs. Suddenly, it begins to rain. So I search for the nearest cover. A tree provides me with temporary shelter. Still, I’m shaken with fear. Will anything ease my troubled mind?

Suddenly home doesn’t seem so bad. At least it’s a shelter from all the dangers of life. Although one day I won’t have that safety cushion anymore. I’ll have to venture out into the wilderness alone. Kind of like now.

Who or what will I give my heart to? Who or what will be the tree that shades me through the storms and the rain?

For now, there’s nobody. And that’s just a reality I have to deal with. Although I don’t want to, I will have to return home immediately. And not because anyone will worry about me. But because I have to. It’s my only home. As broken as it may be.

As the night progresses, I strangely find solace under this tree. This thing, it’s not a human but it’s providing me with necessary shelter. Life’s comical that way. I somehow find peace and quiet even though the weather has not yet tempered.

The street has no perceivable end. I could shout and no one would hear me.

It’s puzzling to me how no one is slightly worried for my safety. All I have is myself and an iTunes library of music. Is it enough? Who knows.

I was afraid of being caught in a thunderstorm but nature isn’t to be feared. It’s to be respected. And right now it’s coming through for me when no one is.

It’s not like I’m completely alone. But I might as well be. Having someone to talk to isn’t the same as having someone you can be yourself with, unapologetically.

I know I’ll make it through this. There’s no doubt in my mind. I always persevere and that’s a trait I like in myself. But for now all I see is a lost little boy. Alone in the rain.

Tag: vent

I Want to Break Free.

One Long Night