Artistic Apathy

Double Barrel

My pain is like a deep ocean and I am wading in it

Waiting in it…

There is no rescue. There is no life preserver. It’s only me, staring down the barrel.

I feel it so deeply, and somehow strangely comforted. I’m not alone. Others suffer with me.

Will I ever see a day where I don’t feel this aching pain? This longing for a home to call my own, I wonder…?

Sometimes all I have is this thorn in my side and… I can’t see. Pre-occupied with something… Pre-occupied…

We all suffer from the same conditions and yet instead of caring and understanding, our own pain causes us to inflict pain on others.

If I could end everyone’s pain at once, I would. The world would be a better place. The truth is, this place is cursed.

It’s only what you make with what you have that matters.

I will carry on because it is what I do but am I the reason for this pain or is it something else? I wonder… Pre-occupied with something… Pre-occupied…

I Want to Break Free.

I want to break free.
I want to be free.

I want to know what it means…

To suffer…

I want to be free of inhibitions,

I want to be with you lying under the stars.

I want you to look in my eyes, stars reflecting back to me, to tell me how much you need me and I will be there for you.

I want to take this mask off and show the world what’s hiding underneath. Sometimes though, I don’t know what that is.

Who am I really?

I don’t understand my feelings.

Why do certain things call to me? What do they mean? And why must I figure it all out? Or do I…? I think I’m just scared… of what they will think of me.

I feel pressured to have it all together. To appear like I have everything under control on the surface… To appear like a normal person. But what if I wanted to lose control for once, just to see what would happen? What would you think of me then? Would you still have this image of me or would you be disappointed?

What if I bared all my scars for you to see…?

I want to break free.

I don’t want my existence to be purely physical nor do I want to be defined by the limitations of a physical world.

I want to break free.

My heart soars and amplifies, and for a moment, I finally feel complete. Just to later come crashing down, facing myself in the mirror again.

I want to break free.

I want to sing a song and pour my entire soul into it.

I want you to feel where I’m coming from.

I want you to see me… to see the pain, the highs, the lows, the laughter and the cries. I want you to see it all, and I want you to feel something. Allow me to connect with you on a deeper level. Let’s explore our past traumas and sunken darkness and find the light that guides within that guides us all. Let’s move forward together.

I want to break free.

Everyday I wake up and wonder why I still have to live this way.

Why aren’t things different? And was this the life I was always meant to live?

My heart hurts and feels heavy… I want a shoulder to lay my head on but there is none.

No… Mustn’t cry. Mustn’t do that now… I only reserve that for behind closed doors. I can’t let them see me break down, I can’t let them see into me.

All the times I’ve broken down in silence and there was no one to comfort me.

The uncomfortable silence following a moment of unhinged sobbing…

I wipe my tears again, and just continue…

There was no shoulder for me but I can be one for you. Confide in me, I won’t expel you. I can be your confidante, if you’ll be mine. Together we can finish the race together and see it through until the end. I don’t want you to suffer like I had to, if I could I would end your pain, forever.

No… nobody needs me…

At least that’s what I tell myself. At least, that’s what it feels like. So it’s all the same.

I want to break free.

Want

Break

Free.

Creation

You’re the finest thing this world has ever seen

A smile that emits a subtle radiance, puzzling yet dazzling imbued with perfection

An essence so amazing… A magnetic aura pulling in admirers from far corners of the globe.

To even stand before you is a dream, your whimsy sends me off to distant lands and the maps are in your eyes

A countenance so sweet, like sugar. I feel my blood pressure rising. You get my heart racing and my fixation is on you.

You command respect with your elegance but still invite playfulness with your open mind and gentle spirit.

You make me want to open my heart at the risk of being badly broken. That’s still a risk I’m willing to take. For you, that is. I could fill an entire lifetime loving you. You wouldn’t even have to give me the time of day.

My heart melts like the wax on the candle that is the flame that drives my passion for you.

You’re one of the only things worth losing sanity over.

And that’s good, because I’m already halfway there.

Au Revoir

The flowing of time… It never ceases. Hours bleed into days and days, months.

It’s something that can’t be taken back. How you choose to spend your time is an investment. What are you investing in?

I don’t know what it is I’m waiting for. The right moment maybe? When will things ever be perfect? And what is perfect exactly? I don’t know.

Satisfied with nothing. Hoping that change will somehow happen sitting here on this couch.

I see through it all and yet I rather stay here in this comfort zone at the risk of losing. But who stands to lose what and who stands to gain?

I just wish my life was something more than it is. Some people have hit the lottery in life and appear to have it all. I often wonder what I would do if I “had it all.” Never having to work another day job ever again. What I would do with a wealth of opportunities.

But are there not opportunities in front of our faces all the time? That we brush off, no consideration?

I just want my life to get better. Right now it’s not going how I’d like it. But then again I’m not exactly sure how I want it. I just know I don’t want it to remain the same. Well then, how do you play the game?

Acceptance

Time is limited. Our days on this Earth are numbered.

Still I manage to find ways to waste time.

Avoiding. What is it that I’m avoiding? What am I so afraid of? And why is it I’m so afraid to let go?

I’m only creating more pain for myself which is the very thing I seek to avoid.

You’ve offended me. You’ve slighted me. The only thing is that it’s the perspective I choose to take that really affects me. See you haven’t actually done anything to me. It’s only the additional weight that I heap on myself. A burden all too burdensome.

So I seek ways to come to the truth. And reflect on the unchangeable in every situation so that I may become a better person.

You talk down on me well let me show you I’m not someone you want to underestimate.

I will make you feel like a fool and then satisfaction will be mine. How dare you come against me in such a way.

Still after all my efforts I’m left with nothing. Shells washing up on shore and then being carried away by the very ocean that brought them. I gain absolutely nothing.

Give up control. Give it. You are not a judge nor a ruler. Just someone playing the game, that is. And as a player you don’t get to set the rules. So play the best way you can. Figure out how best to play so that you can one day make it out.

We’re all playing the game at our current level. Some are stuck on the first stage and that’s okay. Because if it is meant to be, we will all see the end.