I often find myself going back to songs I heavily enjoyed when I was seriously depressed.
For those who don’t know, I was clinically depressed for years and also diagnosed with social anxiety disorder.
This made it hard to leave the house and even get up out of bed some mornings.
Alone in my bedroom I gravitated towards songs that matched the energy I felt at the time. Artists like Lil Peep, Lil Tracy, Lil NARNIA and Lil Lotus. A whole array of Lil’s and other various artists.
What all these artists have in common is their songs have lyrics with bleak undertones about relationships, break-ups, love itself and even death. And some millenial struggles like not getting a text back or simply not getting any likes on your social media page made it all oddly relatable.
In many of Lil Peep’s songs he talks about his own death over and over to the point where you become desensitized to it. Now looking back in retrospect, it’s sort of haunting.
In a moment where suicidal thoughts plagued my mind constantly, I would take refuge among the many artists who sang about these very internal struggles I was dealing with.
My fanaticism for “emo rap” even led me to attend a concert in November of 2018. Finally getting me outside of my comfort zone and interacting with strangers. I found that once you had a common ground, conversation flowed naturally. That was my first sort of epiphany where I realized social anxiety did not have to hold me back. That if I wanted to, I could overcome it. If only for the time being.
That night I had also made a major decision that would change the course of my life.
Fast forward to now and I have a job where I deal with tons of people day in and day out and I sometimes go out and have fun of my own volition. You can say I’ve sort of mastered socializing. And my depression seems to be a thing of the past. I even stopped listening to some of my favorite artists because their music was too dark for me.
But still I go back sometimes and listen to these songs. Why is that? Is it just for nostalgic reasons specifically? Is it to feed my ego? Or can I just relate to the music on a non-superficial level because I’ve been there and done that?
Anytime I hear someone sing or rap about something that’s real and raw with emotion, I can’t help but to listen. You don’t find that in the vast majority of today’s music. If you listen to popular music, everything is fine and we are here to have a good time. But not with “emo” music. Everything is not fine and they are adamant about that. Sometimes even wearing their sadness as a badge of honor like some sort of identity. It’s just different from a lot of what’s out there.
Sometimes it’s refreshing just to hear someone say “I’m not fine, everything is not fine,” for a change. We all wear masks in this society, very few are true to who they are.
That’s why I will never forget these artists for their contribution. They weren’t afraid to be raw and vulnerable with their emotions.
I hope to put this same type of vulnerability and honesty into my own music and hope someday someone will listen. Truly listen.
As I strolled along I found myself in a state of near bliss as I was accompanied by a gentle breeze and a magnificent sun.
The autumn weather is setting in and it is starting to get cool.
After a long day of stress being heaped upon me, I take solace in my companion, the river.
What it would be like to enjoy this brief retreat with a flesh and blood companion?
Something I can’t quite imagine. I continue on with companionship found in the trees, the weather and mighty long river. They are all mine and they fill me with light and tranquility.
God, I’d like to stay in this state forever but sadly I can’t. There are things that call to my attention from the man-made world.
I wonder what it would be like to be in nature all the time and live off the land.
I recall the post I made about us being inheritors of the Earth. It couldn’t ring more true than now. A paradise a stroll from home. My own personal paradise.
Today I was walking along my usual trail and a thought occurred to me. I looked at the lush green forest and the riverbank and I thought to myself “this is all mine.”
The bible says in its text that we are inheritors of sin, passed down from Adam and Eve. Well even better, what if we’re inheritors of this Earth that we walk on?
What if we inherited the paradise that they called the Garden of Eden? What if this heaven that so many seek is here on this very green earth?
We are born in this world and some are luckier than others, I know this. That still doesn’t mean you are at a disadvantage. You have all the advantages. This entire world was made for you. Who else is going to seize it if not you? Who is going to take ownership of it? Who is going to maintain it?
It is our obligation to maintain this Earth that we call our residence. Our home is not our home like they say but everywhere is our home. And still we trash our home everyday and we have little regard for it. It’s sad really. Not just literally but we also trash it with our antagonizing of other people: road rage, racist remarks, violence in the streets.
I don’t want to go into a whole tangent but just know that this world is like a huge sandbox just waiting for you to play in. Sure there are some places you legally cannot cross but people have even found ways around that. Forget about borders, forget about all these manmade constructs like time and dates and the like.
Forgot about all your limitations and live in this wonderful planet that we are so fortunate to live in.
Just some thoughts I’d share. Thank you for listening.
Artistic Apathy 