A drifter.
A wanderer.
A vagrant.
A misnomer.
A complete anomaly.
No identity.
No ties.
No friends.
No lovers.
No profile.
1 of ?
Team player.
No… no.
If the answer was in him he surely would have found it.
Something’s missing.
He’s missing.
But to have been missing, he would have to have had a place where he belonged in the first place.
A ghost.
A virtual nobody.
No record.
No backstory.
Just the perfect phantom.
And the strange thing is… he might actually prefer it that way.
Hello again, long time no see… if you’re wondering why I’ve been absent, I’ve taken a small break from posting due to the fact that I’ve been dealing with very low lows and at times experiencing crisis.
Well I’m back, if even only to deliver you this post.
Everyday I learn something new. Life is full of gifts and little surprises and is absolutely worth it.
I guess most of all what I’m thankful for is my friends. They may not be present all the time in times of despair and I’m learning to just accept that. Sometimes you have to go it alone, but it’s all essential for growth.
I’m currently on vacation in the Caribbean again and I’m finding rest for my weary soul. A self-prescribed medication that perhaps I really needed.
There’s a lot of downtime and slow moments but I think it’s in those moments that we find out the most about ourselves. Are you the type to make something out of nothing or are you simply a dreamer?
A friend of mine told me to let go and that’s been on my mind ever since I read his text message. Sometimes I expect too much out of people but all I know is that expectations can lead to much disappointment. No matter how depressing that may sound, it’s just life.
I’m learning to expect less from people while still being open to receive their gifts.
It’s like a quote from a movie I saw says: “people aren’t just one thing.” I’ve often thought about that line and the more I think about it, it’s true.
If I only remember the wrongs someone committed then in my mind I have written that person off. Although they may be so much more. Going through old back and forths with a friend of mine drew me to that conclusion. We had been there for each other through dark times but one absence in a moment of desperation can lead you to forget who they were for you all along.
I hope you all find rest for your weary souls, truly.
There are times in life when we feel like something is missing.
Often times we can’t pin point exactly what it is.
Then we get the thing we’ve been looking for and feel whole, if not only for a while.
Then time drags on and we feel like something is missing again.
See, we’ve come to take everything for granted.
Everything that is so beautiful about this very moment.
We get lost.
It’s at times like this that we becoming soberingly aware of our own existence and start asking what our place in this universe is.
What will make us truly happy?
What if the answer was nothing? Then what would you do…
As a guy I’ve always kind of enjoyed movies with a strong female lead. It’s just a nice change of pace from the monotonous macho male hero we so often see in cinema.
The leading ladies in these films have flaws and they aren’t afraid to show it. Sometimes their flaws are the very thing that makes them strong.
I can’t think of a better message to send out there.
Here are my top 5 girl power movies of all time in no order:
1. Kill Bill
I had to start the list off with an obvious one. If you’ve been keeping up with my posts then you know this is a movie I love deeply. The story of a bride to be who is assaulted on the day of her wedding… But wait! She’s also pregnant! And the brutal beating causes her to lose her child. Packed with tons of action, Uma Thurman goes toe to toe with foes upon foes as she seeks revenge against those who’ve wronged her. Whenever she is knocked down she gets back up and swinging. Now, revenge isn’t really a message we want to send to impressionable girls and this definitely isn’t a movie for children. But still, seeing a female hero or anti-hero depending on your definition, fight for what she thinks is right and kicking ass while doing it is worth watching.
2. Deathproof
This movie is one of my favorites for one reason: in the first half of the movie, the ladies are the victims but in the second half, the tables turn. The daredevil gone madman Stuntman Mike preys on women. Giving them “joy rides”, which really just serve as a means for him to get sick rocks off. However, towards the end of the film he targets the wrong bunch of ladies including a tough stuntwoman herself. Let’s just say things didn’t end pretty for Stuntman Mike.
3. Room
In this film, Ma, as she’s known throughout the majority of the film or Joy Newsome is trapped in a room with her only son, Jack. The details are that Joy was actually kidnapped by a man when she was younger and Jack is the offspring of both her and her kidnapper. Sounds intense, right? Well that’s because it is. The reason I feel this deserves a spot is for her tenacity and bravery throughout the film. When her son turned five she decided it was time they got out and she made it happen against all odds. She was also such a mother to Jack even under less than desirable circumstances. This is the true hallmark of a great woman. Girl power isn’t always about beating up bad guys, sometimes it’s just having courage and doing the best you possibly can.
4. Girl, Interrupted.
Ah, Girl, Interrupted. I love this movie for so many reasons. One being that I can relate to it on a true level. But that being another topic. Susana is a troubled girl who is sent to a psychiatric facility by her parents for a “rest.” There she meets all sorts of quirky odd characters who later become her friends but at first she is scared. It seems throughout the film she has to make the right choice after right choice. Often taking it upon herself to take care of the other patients in the ward even against her own risk. Getting outside the facility proves harder than ever for her and she has to find a way to adapt and make it out. At one point, not even wanting to stay but believes this is where she belongs. She demonstrates strength and thoughtfulness throughout the movie. Adapting to a new environment, showing compassion and eventually facing her demons. True girl power.
5. Mulan
Can you say classic? Mulan is one of those movies from childhood that I can see over and over and never get sick of it. It has that type of merit.
Mulan is a common Chinese girl who just seeks to be wed one day. Well, when that doesn’t go her way… She enlists in the army! It seems Mulan has something to prove to herself. At first disguising herself as a man so she can fight for the imperial army, she thinks she’s fighting to save her dad. But it turns out it was more than that. This story is about worth. That’s what makes it so powerful. Mulan didn’t feel worthy enough to be a bride so she wanted to prove her worth in something else. This is the story for many young girls and even women across the world. They are still fighting for their voice to be heard, even just for equality. Long story short, Mulan becomes a warrior of great honor and is even seen by the Emperor himself. A true story of coming up from the bottom. Mulan is the epitome of the female underdog. A modern classic that anyone can enjoy.
Well, that concludes my top 5 girl power movies ever. What did you think? What are your top 5? I’d like to discuss. Leave a comment if you will. Thank you all for reading.
I often find myself going back to songs I heavily enjoyed when I was seriously depressed.
For those who don’t know, I was clinically depressed for years and also diagnosed with social anxiety disorder.
This made it hard to leave the house and even get up out of bed some mornings.
Alone in my bedroom I gravitated towards songs that matched the energy I felt at the time. Artists like Lil Peep, Lil Tracy, Lil NARNIA and Lil Lotus. A whole array of Lil’s and other various artists.
What all these artists have in common is their songs have lyrics with bleak undertones about relationships, break-ups, love itself and even death. And some millenial struggles like not getting a text back or simply not getting any likes on your social media page made it all oddly relatable.
In many of Lil Peep’s songs he talks about his own death over and over to the point where you become desensitized to it. Now looking back in retrospect, it’s sort of haunting.
In a moment where suicidal thoughts plagued my mind constantly, I would take refuge among the many artists who sang about these very internal struggles I was dealing with.
My fanaticism for “emo rap” even led me to attend a concert in November of 2018. Finally getting me outside of my comfort zone and interacting with strangers. I found that once you had a common ground, conversation flowed naturally. That was my first sort of epiphany where I realized social anxiety did not have to hold me back. That if I wanted to, I could overcome it. If only for the time being.
That night I had also made a major decision that would change the course of my life.
Fast forward to now and I have a job where I deal with tons of people day in and day out and I sometimes go out and have fun of my own volition. You can say I’ve sort of mastered socializing. And my depression seems to be a thing of the past. I even stopped listening to some of my favorite artists because their music was too dark for me.
But still I go back sometimes and listen to these songs. Why is that? Is it just for nostalgic reasons specifically? Is it to feed my ego? Or can I just relate to the music on a non-superficial level because I’ve been there and done that?
Anytime I hear someone sing or rap about something that’s real and raw with emotion, I can’t help but to listen. You don’t find that in the vast majority of today’s music. If you listen to popular music, everything is fine and we are here to have a good time. But not with “emo” music. Everything is not fine and they are adamant about that. Sometimes even wearing their sadness as a badge of honor like some sort of identity. It’s just different from a lot of what’s out there.
Sometimes it’s refreshing just to hear someone say “I’m not fine, everything is not fine,” for a change. We all wear masks in this society, very few are true to who they are.
That’s why I will never forget these artists for their contribution. They weren’t afraid to be raw and vulnerable with their emotions.
I hope to put this same type of vulnerability and honesty into my own music and hope someday someone will listen. Truly listen.
Artistic Apathy 