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I’m like a ghost.

Not appearing on anyone’s radar.


I’m all alone, despite the illusions.

It’s just me. Blazing the trail alone.

I’m not an essential part of anyone’s life.

If I was gone tomorrow I doubt it would make any waves. Actually, I know it wouldn’t.

I’m not suicidal, I have no interest in dying. I have an interest in living. I’m just wondering when life is going to take an interest in me.

I don’t care about shit. All I care about is this art. As harsh as it sounds.

Nobody sees the real me. The person I could be. Not a soul.

Every day I wake up wondering if today will be the day. If something memorable will happen. But it never does. I’m re-living the same day over and over. What do I have to look forward to?

But still, I keep on existing. What else is there?

I shoulder it all alone. After all, who would care? No one really. It’s just me, again.

I don’t want to be famous, I don’t care about riches. I don’t care about things most people care about. I just want to live the life I know I’m meant to live.

But the brutal reality is the only thing standing in the way of that… is Me.

One Thing

Hello again, long time no see… if you’re wondering why I’ve been absent, I’ve taken a small break from posting due to the fact that I’ve been dealing with very low lows and at times experiencing crisis.

Well I’m back, if even only to deliver you this post.

Everyday I learn something new. Life is full of gifts and little surprises and is absolutely worth it.

I guess most of all what I’m thankful for is my friends. They may not be present all the time in times of despair and I’m learning to just accept that. Sometimes you have to go it alone, but it’s all essential for growth.

I’m currently on vacation in the Caribbean again and I’m finding rest for my weary soul. A self-prescribed medication that perhaps I really needed.

There’s a lot of downtime and slow moments but I think it’s in those moments that we find out the most about ourselves. Are you the type to make something out of nothing or are you simply a dreamer?

A friend of mine told me to let go and that’s been on my mind ever since I read his text message. Sometimes I expect too much out of people but all I know is that expectations can lead to much disappointment. No matter how depressing that may sound, it’s just life.

I’m learning to expect less from people while still being open to receive their gifts.

It’s like a quote from a movie I saw says: “people aren’t just one thing.” I’ve often thought about that line and the more I think about it, it’s true.

If I only remember the wrongs someone committed then in my mind I have written that person off. Although they may be so much more. Going through old back and forths with a friend of mine drew me to that conclusion. We had been there for each other through dark times but one absence in a moment of desperation can lead you to forget who they were for you all along.

I hope you all find rest for your weary souls, truly.

Learning to Forgive Myself and Building a Relationship

A lot of people seem to forget that the most important person you can build a relationship with is yourself. Without a solid connection to yourself, a lot of your exterior relationships will suffer.

Lately I’ve been working on honoring the things that make me feel good and shunning the things that don’t make me feel good.

Recently though, I did something that didn’t align with my standards and instead of beating myself up about it, I forgave myself instead.

Shocking, right? You might be wondering what I did but that’s not important. A lot of what kept me in a rut so many months ago was ruminating on the past. I just couldn’t let things go. I spent time and time again playing scenarios back in my head wishing I would have did things differently but…

It was too late. That past happened and I had to come to reconciliation with that. They say time heals all wounds well after years of fighting with my very being I just got tired of fighting.

When you really accept yourself even for all your supposed flaws and shortcomings, you build such a strong tether to yourself that almost nothing can shake you.

If a friend came to you after fucking up and instead of telling him everything was going to be okay you berate him — what kind of friend would you be?

That’s what you do when you slip up and get angry at yourself. You’re not being a very good friend.

Everyone in the world could forgive you but until you forgive yourself are you truly forgiven?

Guys, we have to start building that relationship, understand that we are human and that nobody is perfect. Such a cliché but it couldn’t ring more true in today’s society.

When you do, watch everything change.

Is Life Mundane or Can it be an Adventure Everyday?

I used to find the reality of life to be rather boring. Painful even. In real life you’re put through school in a pipeline fashion since you’re physically able to speak and come out as an adult and suddenly you’re supposed to know what you want to be forever.

If you choose the wrong career it could mean failure, so you better choose wisely. Thinking this way can make life seem like it’s all a game of survival. We have to constantly protect ourself from “threats” like back stabbing friends or people holding us back.

Yeah, life can appear rather boring and dismal. After all you can’t fly, you don’t have superpowers and you can’t teleport anywhere at whim. Sigh.

This is why from a young age I’ve always been drawn towards stories of fantasy and adventure. Journeys across strange worlds in search of treasure or power. It seemed a lot more exciting compared to my real life and oftentimes I wished I could live in these fantasy worlds but… this is reality. And in the real world there are no superpowers, you can’t fly…

But wait! That’s not entirely true. In the real world there are superpowers. They just don’t involve laser vision and invisibility.

For some, a superpower can be the ability to walk up to a cashier and order food in a concise manner without stumbling or stuttering over your words.

A superpower can be asking that girl out that you’ve always dreamt of dating but never had the courage to do so until now.

A superpower can simply be the courage to follow your dreams and not be worried about failing or letting anyone down.

So can life be an adventure with superpowers and flying? Well… maybe not flying like a bird in the literal sense but absolutely!

We’ve all heard of adventures like climbing a mountain, spending a retreat in the woods or traveling the world but what about right here in your hometown? Can you make your adventure there?

More and more life is becoming like an adventure for me. Even things that people see as mundane I see differently. I see everything almost as a game and there are levels. Every-time you try something new or face a fear, you expand. That’s a level up. Every-time you do something you’ve done a million times but with a different attitude, that’s a new level. It’s a new you.

Yes life can seem dreary and dull but it will stay like that until you start doing the things that excite you, make you happy and bring you satisfaction.

There’s a million opportunities a day. Don’t plan anything, just go where the wind takes you. But follow your heart and everyday will seem like an adventure.

End of a Chapter, Start of a New One

Recently I’ve been feeling like a chapter of my life has come to a close and I’m starting a new one.

To better illustrate, I’ll explain it to you.

Recently I faced an old fear I had head on and came out on top, which partly inspired the last post. That and the bird. But anyway, I had an old story of limitation in my head. It’s basically those voices that tell you you can’t do something because it’s never been done or you won’t amount to nothing.

As I faced this fear, my whole body was freaking out and I nearly threw up. The whole time though I was just staying with my nervous self and not freaking out over being nervous which in turn would only make things worse. I also gave myself permission to throw up if I needed to. That may sound insane but I basically gave myself the space to be nervous and by doing that I was there for myself when I couldn’t really count on anyone.

Long story short I challenged the old story and proved it wrong. Now something I had huge anxiety and worry over isn’t even a problem anymore. I still get nervous sure but I can rest more knowing I am safe. I still have many fears that need to be faced.

That was the closing out of that chapter. The old story. The new chapter began when I began to look at all the possibilities now that I faced this fear. It was like stepping into a new world, you couldn’t believe how impactful it was when I did this one thing and didn’t run away.

I’m trying this new thing where I’m just honest about my feelings. I now understand the phrase “the truth will set you free.” You really liberate yourself from your mental prison when you just talk about what’s weighing you down.

I’ve stepped into a world where I only could have dreamed of months ago. And it’s all because I decided to face my biggest fear head on where others would run and hide. And that’s not to shame those people because I was scared too. But it’s more of giving myself a congratulatory pat on the back. We all deserve a little credit every now and then.

This has been the writer at Artistic Apathy.