emotional – Artistic Apathy

Acceptance

Time is limited. Our days on this Earth are numbered.

Still I manage to find ways to waste time.

Avoiding. What is it that I’m avoiding? What am I so afraid of? And why is it I’m so afraid to let go?

I’m only creating more pain for myself which is the very thing I seek to avoid.

You’ve offended me. You’ve slighted me. The only thing is that it’s the perspective I choose to take that really affects me. See you haven’t actually done anything to me. It’s only the additional weight that I heap on myself. A burden all too burdensome.

So I seek ways to come to the truth. And reflect on the unchangeable in every situation so that I may become a better person.

You talk down on me well let me show you I’m not someone you want to underestimate.

I will make you feel like a fool and then satisfaction will be mine. How dare you come against me in such a way.

Still after all my efforts I’m left with nothing. Shells washing up on shore and then being carried away by the very ocean that brought them. I gain absolutely nothing.

Give up control. Give it. You are not a judge nor a ruler. Just someone playing the game, that is. And as a player you don’t get to set the rules. So play the best way you can. Figure out how best to play so that you can one day make it out.

We’re all playing the game at our current level. Some are stuck on the first stage and that’s okay. Because if it is meant to be, we will all see the end.

Mood

Now I’ve already told you and I’ll tell you again.

How many times do we have to do this go around before you get it?

Who knows. It seems like we’ve been in this same position for some time. Waiting for the growth to begin but what exactly details growth? What exactly are we looking for and what meets the criteria? And can this come about by simple exertion?

These are the questions that need answers but while we wait, still something has to be done about the current situation.

There is no guide, no compass that points north. We do the best with what we have. We do the best with the knowledge that we have. But then that is when you need more knowledge. But when does knowledge become too much knowledge and actual action is required on your part?

Life is too tormenting to figure out everything by oneself. Some things need to happen to advance the plot forward.

The Hole

You could get as high as you want to and not fix the hole.

You can drink to your hearts’ content and not fix the hole.

You can eat an entire plate of nachos and not fix the hole.

You could have sex with 1,000 strangers and not fill the hole.

Everyday, moving onto the next thing. Always wondering what is next. What will come afterward and will it be better than before?

But no matter what happens, the hole remains.

The hole can’t be fixed by simple pleasures. It’s in need of a much larger remedy.

No purpose to be fulfilled. Aimless wandering, a life devoid of meaning and satisfaction. How grueling it gets when you don’t even know who you are for a fact!

Identity issues on top of identity issues. Insecurity. Instability. Doubt. Fear. Paranoia. Settling in… it’s creeping in, making its home.

Outside is beautiful but none of it feels real. Your self absorption has made you unable to take in simple beauty.

What a chore life can be when living like this.

No one is there for you when you need them. No when is there for you how you want them to be. Nothing seems right to you.

You can’t point at one thing and say it’s going well for you. The one thing you had the greatest expectations for let you down.

So then now what? When everything is crumbling down, where will you run? Who will you run to?…

Lament

I have a lot to feel sorry for.

But tonight I want to forget about all that.

For once, I want to leave everything on the page.

Do you think I want to possess you? No. I just want your love. If even for tonight.

Tomorrow we can go back to being strangers. But for now, all that pent up frustration and emotional baggage… Use me to get over it. I’d gladly let you.

We are both lost souls. Looking for a place in this world that’s most unfriendly. Let me be the fire that warms your heart like a homely fireplace, lest our love be thrown to the furnace.

We’re at risk of falling and becoming like the rest of them. But that’s not becoming of us.

We peer into their lives but only out of curiosity. We wish not to meddle. Just observe. How things go on. We are looking from the outside in.

Play the music that makes it feel like time is at a standstill. I want to be there with you. In those moments in between.

I’ll go the distance but you have to show me you are willing to meet me there. I run the race for no one. Unless I see a cause.

We’re searching for things to momentarily fill the void. Whilst looking for things that set off bombs in us… Rupturing and undoing years of perpetual guilt, torment, and blame.

Tonight is quite dark and lonely but truth is… I walk the path alone. Who will meet me halfway? I don’t know. Time is valuable but why does it feel like a currency we can’t afford?

It’s just the plate that life’s handed us, it’s today’s du jour.

I’ll await at the borderline for something to save me. To make it all worth it. Is it really all weighing on my shoulders? It’s too much to bare. But I’ve shouldered it before. So therefore, I march on.

Gone but not Lost

I sit in my bed, not knowing what words to type. What lines to scribble on the page. My ink runs dry.

My heart feels heavy. I’m tense. I want to cry but at the same time I’m feeling hopeful and there’s an underlying sense of peace.

This one is different. It’s about the pain and suffering in the world and everything we put ourselves through.

You would never imagine some of the things people have to go through and yet we’re surviving every day.

I’ve never felt like my life was in danger but I fight a battle too. Internally. These people are fighting an external battle.

I wonder if we could all put our weapons down one day. If we could all surrender. Raise that white flag…

Let’s give up on trying to punish each other. Let’s give up on being judge, jury, and executioner to our fellow man.

I’ve been thinking, and that thinking is that if we do anything important in this life it’s that we love one another.

I know it sounds like something on a Hallmark card but it really is the antidote to the poison that has so infected this world we live in every day.

I don’t know if it’s a good thing or not that I feel so heavily for other people. Maybe it’s a burden and maybe life would be easier if I just didn’t care what happened one way or the other. But I do. I care what happens. Give me the chance to do the right thing and not just for goodness’ sake but because I want to do the right thing.

Allow me to choose between love and hate and I will choose love every time. Allow me to choose the path of animosity or forgiveness and I rather live and let die.

Again, my heart is sore and I don’t quite know where that leaves me. Without love, none of us can keep on living. We may think we’re living but really, we’re dead inside.

A friend of mine told me to write freely tonight so here I am.

I hope my words can carry me farther than my imagination can. I hope that these words are like a song that my trapped cage bird soul sings. This is my gospel and its only mine.

Forever.