consciousness – Artistic Apathy

Gone but not Lost

I sit in my bed, not knowing what words to type. What lines to scribble on the page. My ink runs dry.

My heart feels heavy. I’m tense. I want to cry but at the same time I’m feeling hopeful and there’s an underlying sense of peace.

This one is different. It’s about the pain and suffering in the world and everything we put ourselves through.

You would never imagine some of the things people have to go through and yet we’re surviving every day.

I’ve never felt like my life was in danger but I fight a battle too. Internally. These people are fighting an external battle.

I wonder if we could all put our weapons down one day. If we could all surrender. Raise that white flag…

Let’s give up on trying to punish each other. Let’s give up on being judge, jury, and executioner to our fellow man.

I’ve been thinking, and that thinking is that if we do anything important in this life it’s that we love one another.

I know it sounds like something on a Hallmark card but it really is the antidote to the poison that has so infected this world we live in every day.

I don’t know if it’s a good thing or not that I feel so heavily for other people. Maybe it’s a burden and maybe life would be easier if I just didn’t care what happened one way or the other. But I do. I care what happens. Give me the chance to do the right thing and not just for goodness’ sake but because I want to do the right thing.

Allow me to choose between love and hate and I will choose love every time. Allow me to choose the path of animosity or forgiveness and I rather live and let die.

Again, my heart is sore and I don’t quite know where that leaves me. Without love, none of us can keep on living. We may think we’re living but really, we’re dead inside.

A friend of mine told me to write freely tonight so here I am.

I hope my words can carry me farther than my imagination can. I hope that these words are like a song that my trapped cage bird soul sings. This is my gospel and its only mine.

Forever.

Why Nothing I Have to Say Really Matters

Nothing.

I used to want my opinion to matter but now I’m not so sure.

My opinion is always changing. I’ve gone from religious to atheistic to religious again and then spiritual.

So if my viewpoint is always changing why should anyone take it serious or even literal?

They shouldn’t.

I’m starting to feel that no one should take anything I have to say seriously.

It’s true what they say about your opinion being the only one that matters.

And it’s true because your beliefs and views shape the world around you. If you let outside input determine the way you look at you and the world, you will end up with a distorted perception. Which is what most people have anyway.

A hundred years from now, I’m sure no one will remember the things I had to say. Unless I’m somehow immortalized. Even still I can’t see it mattering much in the long run.

I’m sure this post will probably even fade from your memory in time.

So why say anything at all?

Well, there’s no real reason to say anything. Still, we have a lot of opinions.

Sometimes we can say something that will uplift someone or make them laugh or smile. So the things we say do have a impact but does everything have to be taken so literal? I think not.

A lot of times people don’t know what they think for sure (including me) and their recall of events is somewhat shot as well.

It seems what most people say out loud is not dependable.

Everything should be taken with a grain of salt. Even words from people who are known gurus or known to be smart or intellectual.

Don’t let anyone be the single determiner of your thoughts and feelings. That all lies on you. It falls on your shoulders to find the truth for yourself or simply what works for you.

So yeah, don’t even take this post serious. That is, unless you want to.

It is the process of freedom.

Ping!

Time after time, I check my results.

So much it begs the question “who am I really doing this for?”

Am I still finding that my sense of acceptance must come from outside of myself?

If so I am illusioned.

On the one hand, I understand that a desire for approval is almost innate in human beings.

From the moment we are born we learn to depend on our parents for everything. So much that we even begin to depend on them for our emotional well being. Thinking that similarly flawed human beings hold the key is backwards thinking.

Parents can teach you a lot. But something you must learn to do on your own is love yourself for who you are.

Despite everything.

As long as your self-esteem is dependent on the likes and comments you receive in this ensnaring digital world, you are a slave to perception.

Perception is subjective and therefore how you feel about you becomes subjective.

I’m not saying it’s easy to escape this cycle but by understanding it a little bit more each time you slowly weaken the choke hold that it has on you and your self-esteem.

Karmic Balance

The young man was sullen. It seemed every attempt he had at making a good life was foiled.

Day after day, bad things would happen and he would take it on the nose.

It was something he was used to.

He wondered how much longer he could endure hit after hit until he broke.

One day something snapped in him and he decided he was no longer going to be a slave to his circumstances.

He would clean up his act once and for all and redeem himself.

When he decided that at that moment, unbeknownst to him, hell was unleashed upon him.

His life got so dramatically worse he pondered taking his own life to finally escape the wheel of suffering.

Realizing that it wasn’t the answer, he endured some more.

Shrouded in ultimate darkness, not even a beacon of hope.

Sooner or later, a ray of light shined through the clouds. He had already undergone the worst and couldn’t see it getting any worse!

He said “I’m just going to accept this.”

So he practiced accepting.

When he accepted all the bad things going on around him, the bad things started turning into good things.

He was no longer a victim of his circumstances.

He detached from the outcomes of life and found that life was positively enjoyable if you allow it to be. He was the one creating all of his problems all along and was never a victim.

Now, in some strange way, he was thankful for all the things he experienced because his life became enjoyable as a result of the pain he endured.

If he would have surrendered defeat in the eye of the storm, he would have never got to see the calm.

What a cruel yet kind mistress life is.

I’m Not Time Conscious Anymore

I stopped keeping track of time.

Hours, minutes, days… it’s all relative to me.

When I’m at work, I no longer count down the time until I’m free to go.

When I’m at home, I no longer count down the time until I have to go back to work.

I’m just here.

Relishing in the moment. And I’m loving every minute of it (no pun intended).

I’ve stepped into a different “dimension”. A world where time is illusory and everything flows as a continuous now.

I’ve heard it takes years of meditating and a higher consciousness to enter such a state but I’ve done it in such a short time.

I also find myself not having much to say about it. There’s really nothing to say. Except this post I’m writing to you.

When you live in the world of manmade time, focusing on the minutes that have passed or that will, the hours… You are living in the past and future. You are no longer in touch with the secret of nature that we all are apart of.

When you live in the here and now, everything is perfect. Even mistakes. People. People are perfect. Everything is the way it is and you don’t find yourself asking for more.

Because it is enough.

Just to be here.