freewriting – Page 8 – Artistic Apathy

Guess This is the End

I walk up to the kitchen window to observe the expansive blue sky. In my headphones I’m listening to a song that sounds like it’s pulled straight out of a soundtrack. This feels like the end. Or at least the end of one chapter. I’ve been here for two whole months and for a moment I didn’t know if I was going to be trapped here or not. I fly tomorrow and what I’ll bring back home with me I’m not sure but I’m confident it’s something.

I have a hope for the future. For a moment it was touch and go. These last couple of months haven’t been easy. I found myself praying a lot. Making myself to be a victim. Then I realized just how fortunate I am. Something clicked in my head. Now I feel like I have a mission. It won’t be without its tears but that’s life I guess. Whether I wait around forever for someone to “save” me is up to me entirely.

I like music because it makes me feel like a hero. Will I be the hero in my own story? I guess we’ll have to see.

Magic

Magic… does it truly exist in this world? We see magic in the movies, on TV, we might even feel magical when we listen to certain kinds of music. We have holidays and parties where we dress up and pretend to be something we’re not. I think many people have a longing to escape.

For two hours I am watching a movie so captivating, so colorful, so whimsical and delightful that for that time I am transported into that world. I’m escaping for that little bit of time. The glare of the television screen acts as a window. A portal of sorts.

I connect with the characters. I feel for them. I feel the music deep within my bones. I get chills up my spine.

Afterwards it’s over and I’m left wanting more. Why can’t life be more like this, I wonder. Why can’t magic be real? Why can’t we go on adventures everyday?

The thing is… magic is real. Depending on your definition. The ability to suck me into a fictitious world and tie me to events happening in this world is a form of magic. When the right song comes on at the right time is a form of magic for me. The “magic” I’m talking about extends even farther than that. Miracles happen everyday. Ones we are blind too.

This is a frame of mind I’d like to keep as we go through these troubling times. I hope all of you stay safe out there but most of all, stay positive.

Let the Choir Sing

I wrote the following while listening to the composition Douze petits chorals by Erik Satie. I hope that you enjoy. It was written as an exercise but you may get some delight out of it.

Douze petits chorals

Oh, to delight in whimsy and to experience all the travesties that come with life.

Everything’s come full circle. How suffocating it tends to be. How encumbering it is. The shifting of a moral paradigm. You begin to question, who you were all along and what exactly it is you sought. Nothing it seems. Chasing the wind. Dreams blown away like chaff. It ceases to be in that moment.

Now you have a new dream but please don’t be so dreadful about it. You are born again to the world. You are a new creature.

My mind… it plots against me. It’s one step ahead of me. I try to outwit it but it seems to know every move in advance like playing chess against a super computer.

What has my wings stitched together that I cannot spread them out to fly? What binds me? Give me your everlasting freedom. I want a taste. I yearn for it in the morning and at night when I lay my head to rest, it is my salvation.

Bring it forth to me so that I may delight in its splendor. Lest I be undone. Unraveled. Left naked and hopeless, lying in the wilderness.

A dreadful end indeed.

Here’s to The New You

All day everyday I’m thinking about how I can improve myself as a person. I steadily observe my flaws and keep record of my shortcomings. Whether it’s detrimental I’m not sure but I feel as though if I never had this conscience weighing on me all day then I would never progress.

Or would I just change all on my own? I’ve seen it happen. There’s that old expression “people never change.” And I wondered if it was true for me. I thought I would never change for the better and then I did. Lots of things happened.

I think it’s because I know the capacity I have to be a loving, gentle person and someone who actually brings light to the world instead of darkness. If I thought I was worthless and didn’t account for much then I guess it doesn’t matter what kind of a person I am, right? After all I can’t make any kind of impact. This is the mentality of a lot of people.

Still, sometimes reading or hearing something I come to feel dismayed. I often feel exposed. The darkness lurking inside me that is, feels exposed. And so sometimes I rather not hear about all the things I’m doing wrong but rather what I’m doing right.

It’s easy to be a fault finder and nitpick all day. Which is what I’ve been doing. I compare my life to others’, my situation, my bank account, even my freedom. Which is my own.

Suffice it to say, it’s so easy to look at all the things going wrong but harder to remain on the positive. That’s our problem. You’ve heard the cliché someone always has it worse and it’s true. There’s people right now who are suffering and going through hard times and still keep their chin up and persevere in the face of tribulation. What do you think it is that keeps them strong?

I find peace after suffering for a very long time and I wonder if I deserve it. Maybe the key is not to think about whether or not I deserve it but just to accept it. After all, as good a person as I want to be, I won’t change anything or anybody if I myself have a lot of work to be done.

Truth in Cliché

I don’t want to fight, I want to love.

I want to live everyday like its my last.

I want to go on adventures.

I want to get lost somewhere.

I want to discover new art.

I want to be recognized.

I want to be loved.

I want a perfect mind and body.

I want to travel the world.

I want to find my soulmate.

I want my passion to be my job.

I want to get high on life.

I want not to worry anymore.

Sounds pretty cliché, doesn’t it?