journal – Page 18 – Artistic Apathy

Eye Contact

Writing prompt #1 “Eye Contact”

Samantha remained frozen, deadlocked in the middle of Ethan’s view. She looked like a deer in headlights. Her heart beat rapidly.

“E…than,” she murmured.

Ethan stared back at her, similarly. His eyes were wide and his heart also beat rapidly.

“Sa…mantha,” he mouthed silently.

The two walked toward each other without breaking eye contact. Not even for a second. Once they were within an arm’s distance they shook hands. Still not breaking eye contact.

“You look even better in person,” Samantha said.

“You too,” Ethan said examining her from head to toe.

Ethan spun around and signaled towards the table adjacent to them.

“Should we sit?”

“Sure,” Samantha said.

The two sat down still looking into each others’ eyes.

“I can say,” Ethan started. “Looking at your eyes for this long, they really are beautiful.”

“Thanks,” Samantha said. “I can say your eyes are the prettiest brown eyes I’ve ever laid my eyes on.”

The two of them chuckled. Ethan explained how he had never received a compliment on his eyes like that and he thought them to be pretty normal.

“That’s the first time we’ve broken eye contact,” Samantha joked.

“How do you feel in this moment?” He asked her, all smiles.

“Feel like this has been the best decision I’ve made all year.”

Ethan perked up at the sound of that and wore a huge smile on his face.

“I think this could work out,” he said.

“I think so too,” she said.

Reflecting on my Vacation Overseas

For a couple of months I’ve had the pleasure of spending sometime overseas with my family in the Dominican Republic. I was received well and treated like a guest of honor. All in all, it was a positive experience and I’m ever grateful I came.

I got to explore around and see things I’ve never seen before and also re-visit some things I had seen but had changed. The trip brought on a sense of nostalgia and adventure. It was like being in a home away from home.

I had no idea I had so much family and now that I know I feel less alone. Just knowing that there are more people who care about you whether they’re around or not makes a huge difference.

At times I felt antsy to get home and work on my new projects but I stayed busy here writing blog posts, stories and other fun activities that kept me productive. While antsy at times I was never desperate and enjoyed my time here very much. Time seemed to slow down on the island. I was forced to look at myself a lot throughout this whole experience and asked myself what do I regard as important and family being one of them.

Now the journey is nearing its end and I will be returning home tomorrow. I look forward to working harder and being a little more appreciative and also helping others.

Lift you off the Ground

Words can’t express what you are to me.

When no one is around, I have you but you may not even be aware just how much you impact my life. I wish you could know it every day, just how much you matter. I know sometimes you don’t feel so good. I want to be the person who can lift you off the ground when it feels like you’re sinking. Cheer up.

Don’t let life get you down and always look towards a brighter future. You came at a time when I was really losing myself and thanks to you I found myself again. If you can do that for me, I know you can accomplish anything you want.

Sometimes I don’t feel worthy of you or anybody and I want to just hide and disappear for a while. But you’re always there when I come back and you never turn me away. I hope that we remain like this for many years to come. I feel like I’ve struck gold with you.

No I won’t name you by name. If I told you all this I would feel overexposed. It’s not really something that’s accepted… nonetheless I hope you accomplish everything you set out to accomplish. And always know you have at least one person in your corner. Who wants to see you happy everyday and winning.

This is to you.

The White Room

I slowly opened my eyes and saw nothing but white. A white wall. For a second I forgot just where I was. I was in the white room, where time moved at a crawl. Or did time really move at all? I seemed to have forgotten the concept of time. At first I could tell how much time had gone by because I was provided with a small mirror. When my beard grew out I knew it had been several days. But I didn’t have any tools to shave.

I think I’ve gone mad, I don’t know how long I’ve been in here and why… at first I came up with little stories to entertain myself. I learned how to be my best friend. I talked to myself a lot. I talked about how to break out. The door was right there, but I couldn’t bring myself to open it. I was afraid of what was on the other side. Many times I came close to opening it but decided not to. I still don’t know if it’s really locked or I just tricked myself into believing it. But I digress.

There was the wall to my right stained with blood from when I punched my knuckles bloody. I was frustrated and a little crazy. I don’t know what I thought. Maybe that I could punch my way out? But it was unsuccessful.

At that moment a buzzer rang. I looked up at the wall to my left and there was a red light flashing. The door swung open and a man in a white lab coat came inside. I stood up and faced him.

“Who are you?” I asked.

He just smiled.

“Are you ready to come out now?”

I didn’t know how to answer that question.

“Of course… I have been. For a while.”

“I don’t think you were ready. But now, are you ready?”

I stared at him for a moment then nodded.

“Why am I here? Who put me in here?”

The man smiled.

“I’ll show you. And when I show you, you won’t want to believe it.”

I followed him out of the room and the door shut behind me.

What I saw shocked me to my core.

My Struggle With Being Bipolar

A little fact you may not know about me is that I have bipolar disorder. And recently I’ve been diagnosed with schizophrenia.

My road with mental illness (and I’m reluctant to say “battle” as many who suffer from mental illness have endured a lot more than I have) started a couple years ago in 2016 when I had my first manic episode triggered by some anti-depressants I was taking.

Since then I’ve had two more episodes. Thankfully these episodes didn’t last long and didn’t leave much in their wake but a broken self-esteem.

I was embarrassed of the choices I made and more importantly how I was perceived. Not only that but I terrified my family.

For a while I really didn’t feel good about myself. I was wondering why it had to be me. Why did I have to be diagnosed with this condition? I was worried about the stigma and also the destructive nature that is mania.

Part of me enjoyed mania. When I’m manic, the world is rose colored and the possibilities are endless. I have boundless energy and resolve to meet my goals. I met a lot of unforgettable people because of this. Normally I’m more of a homebody but when I’m manic I like to take risks and am adventurous. But there’s a dark side. I’m not rational. And I can hurt myself and even those around me if I’m not careful.

It’s a part of me I rather people not know about. I don’t want people to know about the things I did while manic.

There are also lows where one feels like everything is hopeless and considers suicide as a actual viable option. Which I know now is never an option.

Life is unfair, that much is known. I’ve gone from bipolar II which is a less severe form to bipolar I a more severe form, to now being diagnosed with bipolar and schizophrenia at the same time.

I did what they asked but still things only got worse and recently I had the most terrifying moment in my life happen that left me thinking “well, what now?”

My life is now a series of gray areas and I’m not sure what to hold on to anymore.

When I feel too happy, I wonder if it’s because an episode is coming on. I try not to project into the future but these episodes happen. Although not as frequent as with some people, I’m still wary of one coming on. In the past I thought I would be able to sense when an episode was coming but each time has been different and I never really realize I’m living in a delusion until it’s too late.

In these states, there’s usually recurring elements. I wonder what they tell me about myself. I always believe in the same things, go after the same things. I always go to the same places. Surely there’s something to learn from it. But I guess that’s just taking the good with the bad.

This was more of a post to just cope with some thoughts and feelings I have been having lately. If you made it through it all, I applaud you. If not, I don’t hold it against you.

This is my world. Thank you for reading.