life – Page 3 – Artistic Apathy

One Long Night

I trail on alone… in the darkness.

I’ve never been more frightened. It’s thundering and the clouds are dark and charged with rain.

For a moment, it seems the only thing raining down tonight is me.

But I can’t turn back… not now anyway.

There’s nothing to go back to. They say home is where the heart is. In that case, my home is definitely not my home. And I have nowhere I can place my heart.

I feel stranded. Like the loneliest creature in this long and dreary night.

I call a friend but strangely their phone has been disconnected. It’s all awfully too convenient.

I look for a sign. Telling me to go back. Or to keep going. I’m done relying on signs. Suddenly, it begins to rain. So I search for the nearest cover. A tree provides me with temporary shelter. Still, I’m shaken with fear. Will anything ease my troubled mind?

Suddenly home doesn’t seem so bad. At least it’s a shelter from all the dangers of life. Although one day I won’t have that safety cushion anymore. I’ll have to venture out into the wilderness alone. Kind of like now.

Who or what will I give my heart to? Who or what will be the tree that shades me through the storms and the rain?

For now, there’s nobody. And that’s just a reality I have to deal with. Although I don’t want to, I will have to return home immediately. And not because anyone will worry about me. But because I have to. It’s my only home. As broken as it may be.

As the night progresses, I strangely find solace under this tree. This thing, it’s not a human but it’s providing me with necessary shelter. Life’s comical that way. I somehow find peace and quiet even though the weather has not yet tempered.

The street has no perceivable end. I could shout and no one would hear me.

It’s puzzling to me how no one is slightly worried for my safety. All I have is myself and an iTunes library of music. Is it enough? Who knows.

I was afraid of being caught in a thunderstorm but nature isn’t to be feared. It’s to be respected. And right now it’s coming through for me when no one is.

It’s not like I’m completely alone. But I might as well be. Having someone to talk to isn’t the same as having someone you can be yourself with, unapologetically.

I know I’ll make it through this. There’s no doubt in my mind. I always persevere and that’s a trait I like in myself. But for now all I see is a lost little boy. Alone in the rain.

Somebody

Sometimes it’s hard to believe that I am really a somebody.

A flesh and blood human with a heart that palpitates and a mind that observes and analyzes. A soul that craves real experiences and fulfillment.

I guess I just so often feel disconnected from myself it’s hard to realize it.

I’m often escaping through something and hardly do I take the time to just focus on something I really wanna do, not for anybody else but just for me.

I’m also often left feeling rather irrelevant as it seems nobody makes me an important part of their lives.

I’m told not to wait on people or to make people the center of my world but how much alone time is too much alone time?

I want to share real experiences with people and for them to see a side of me I don’t often get to show and I guess that leads to me trying too hard sometimes.

So sometimes I feel all I have are my dreams. But even that is scary because I don’t know what lies ahead. I want to know every step I need to take, what lies in wait around the corner, any surprises etc. But I can’t possibly know that.

All day every day I think that maybe one day I’ll make something of myself. But I’m sick of maybes.

All is such in a world of no absolutes.

Heartbreak Hotel

Even in my dreams, I’m getting my heart broken.

I long to be with you and be intimate with you but you have more important things. Why are you so caught up in trivial things?

You’re so shallow and still I like you. I want to feel you. You’re a good for nothing tease and I’m going to put an end to you.

You make it seem like you need me but you only need the things I can provide. What I need from you is much deeper and much more sensual.

So can we forget about everything so that I can be with you one night and release those inhibitions that hem us up?

It’s your choice but this endless flirting serves no purpose in the long run. Make your mind up.

I will show you I can be the man you’ve been searching for since you first became awakened.

Nightmare Novela

These days are becoming more and more meaningless and I’m losing sense of it all.

It all feels like a dream, like I’m living in a movie.

Each day I wake up I think that today’s the day where I “get it right.”

As if I even know what that means. There’s only so much you can do under quarantine.

I have all the entertainment and access in the world but I just want instant satisfaction. I’ve become jaded.

Now’s a good a time as any to work on the areas in your life that you didn’t have time for before.

But I don’t want to sit down and work on anything. I want satisfaction now. I can’t wait for it.

Still, I must go on or it will be another year perennially wasted.

Round and Around We Go

I feel confined.

I’m not sure what I want to do but I’m sick of this monotonous routine.

I’ve tried to keep myself busy but something’s always getting in the way.

I’m ready for this all to be over for good. The uncertainty of it all isn’t helping to put my mind at ease.

I can’t remember the last time I spent quality time with someone.

It’s beginning to get to me.

I feel I might crack.

But I can’t. That would be the worst.

This has to be the worst year ever. And it was supposed to be mine.