personal – Page 2 – Artistic Apathy

Au Revoir

The flowing of time… It never ceases. Hours bleed into days and days, months.

It’s something that can’t be taken back. How you choose to spend your time is an investment. What are you investing in?

I don’t know what it is I’m waiting for. The right moment maybe? When will things ever be perfect? And what is perfect exactly? I don’t know.

Satisfied with nothing. Hoping that change will somehow happen sitting here on this couch.

I see through it all and yet I rather stay here in this comfort zone at the risk of losing. But who stands to lose what and who stands to gain?

I just wish my life was something more than it is. Some people have hit the lottery in life and appear to have it all. I often wonder what I would do if I “had it all.” Never having to work another day job ever again. What I would do with a wealth of opportunities.

But are there not opportunities in front of our faces all the time? That we brush off, no consideration?

I just want my life to get better. Right now it’s not going how I’d like it. But then again I’m not exactly sure how I want it. I just know I don’t want it to remain the same. Well then, how do you play the game?

Acceptance

Time is limited. Our days on this Earth are numbered.

Still I manage to find ways to waste time.

Avoiding. What is it that I’m avoiding? What am I so afraid of? And why is it I’m so afraid to let go?

I’m only creating more pain for myself which is the very thing I seek to avoid.

You’ve offended me. You’ve slighted me. The only thing is that it’s the perspective I choose to take that really affects me. See you haven’t actually done anything to me. It’s only the additional weight that I heap on myself. A burden all too burdensome.

So I seek ways to come to the truth. And reflect on the unchangeable in every situation so that I may become a better person.

You talk down on me well let me show you I’m not someone you want to underestimate.

I will make you feel like a fool and then satisfaction will be mine. How dare you come against me in such a way.

Still after all my efforts I’m left with nothing. Shells washing up on shore and then being carried away by the very ocean that brought them. I gain absolutely nothing.

Give up control. Give it. You are not a judge nor a ruler. Just someone playing the game, that is. And as a player you don’t get to set the rules. So play the best way you can. Figure out how best to play so that you can one day make it out.

We’re all playing the game at our current level. Some are stuck on the first stage and that’s okay. Because if it is meant to be, we will all see the end.

Yo Soy

I sometimes forget to screw the cap back on the toothpaste

I always watch Netflix with subtitles on whether or not it’s in my native language

My phone is the first thing I check when I wake up

I like going on long walks by myself

I like my water cold, not room temperature

I like listening to strangers’ problems

I like my coffee almost black

Money is a nice commodity but it’s not what I’m after

I like being the most well dressed person in the room

One of my pet peeves is when people don’t clean up after themselves

Another one of my pet peeves is when people think they’re smarter than me

I place everything in my room in a coordinated way, nothing out of place

Yo Soy.

Mood

Now I’ve already told you and I’ll tell you again.

How many times do we have to do this go around before you get it?

Who knows. It seems like we’ve been in this same position for some time. Waiting for the growth to begin but what exactly details growth? What exactly are we looking for and what meets the criteria? And can this come about by simple exertion?

These are the questions that need answers but while we wait, still something has to be done about the current situation.

There is no guide, no compass that points north. We do the best with what we have. We do the best with the knowledge that we have. But then that is when you need more knowledge. But when does knowledge become too much knowledge and actual action is required on your part?

Life is too tormenting to figure out everything by oneself. Some things need to happen to advance the plot forward.

The Hole

You could get as high as you want to and not fix the hole.

You can drink to your hearts’ content and not fix the hole.

You can eat an entire plate of nachos and not fix the hole.

You could have sex with 1,000 strangers and not fill the hole.

Everyday, moving onto the next thing. Always wondering what is next. What will come afterward and will it be better than before?

But no matter what happens, the hole remains.

The hole can’t be fixed by simple pleasures. It’s in need of a much larger remedy.

No purpose to be fulfilled. Aimless wandering, a life devoid of meaning and satisfaction. How grueling it gets when you don’t even know who you are for a fact!

Identity issues on top of identity issues. Insecurity. Instability. Doubt. Fear. Paranoia. Settling in… it’s creeping in, making its home.

Outside is beautiful but none of it feels real. Your self absorption has made you unable to take in simple beauty.

What a chore life can be when living like this.

No one is there for you when you need them. No when is there for you how you want them to be. Nothing seems right to you.

You can’t point at one thing and say it’s going well for you. The one thing you had the greatest expectations for let you down.

So then now what? When everything is crumbling down, where will you run? Who will you run to?…