Artistic Apathy

Is God/The Universe Trying to Tell Me Something?

Hi everybody. Long time no see.

If you’re wondering where I’ve been at, I’ve been here and there.

Really, my life has been improving at a steady rate and for a long time I wanted to write about it but the right inspiration never came.

Now I have something to say.

Is the universe or God or the cosmos (whatever name you have for that mysterious force that seems to nudge you in the right direction) actually on my side?

A couple lines ago I mentioned how my life has been improving very fast. For a long time I had crippling anxiety and depression which rendered me unable to leave the house for days. Now I get out more and my social skills have improved tenfold, I’m able to talk to people and people enjoy my company. I’m starting to see all the possibilities ahead of me and it’s great.

There’s still one thing, though. You know the saying “old habits die hard?” Well that’s been true in my case. I feel like the universe has given me an opportunity to step into alignment with myself. It seems many good things are just falling in my lap and I’m being asked to fully realize myself as a person.

Still there are some toxic habits I can’t seem to let go of but am fully aware of their toxicity. Why do I do them? Well because it’s easy and makes sense at the time. I know that there is a higher calling for me but I ignore it and focus on the temporary. I don’t realize that negative emotions all come to pass and I need something now to help cope with it instead of just being there for myself emotionally.

For that reason I’ve come to feel really stressed and in this limbo of sorts. It’s like a friend of mine discussed. He said it’s like you’re a caterpillar in a cocoon trying to turn into a butterfly but you’re still holding onto your caterpillar ways so you can’t become the butterfly.

Another analogy would be you waiting on a train station and the train begins boarding, waiting to take you to the next phase but you’re stuck contemplating whether or not you wanna get on. The train doesn’t wait for you and so it leaves. Now you’re stuck with the feeling of regret that you didn’t get on board. The train comes back around every so often waiting for you to board. But it’s not until you actually get on board that you can be taken to a new place.

I feel like I was supposed to stumble on that video, it put into words exactly what I’ve been going through. And I was assured that everything would still be okay, however long it took for me to get on “board.”

Maybe someone will see this and relate. Thank you for reading.

Dream the Dream

I’m a pretty big dreamer. I can call myself that. But nothing more magnifies this idea than my actual dreams. At night I dream expansive imaginative worlds with their own narration. None of them like the other.

Often times, like most I suppose, I forget that I’m living a dream and when I wake up there are a few moments where I have to ground myself in reality and think “that was a dream.”

It’s often said dreams are a portal to another world. I’ve heard it been said that dreams are the reality and we’re actually in the dream during our waking hours. I don’t know about all of that but I do know that in my dreams are encased my fears, anxieties, emotions, hopes, dreams. Things that I don’t normally express during my waking hours.

It’s almost like a little playground where one can act out the deepest inclinations of their mind. Although, sometimes I’m surprised by what I dream, it can be horrifying.

While dreams aren’t always pleasant, they can also be a way to connect to others vicariously. Maybe you’d like to say sorry to someone whose trust you broke. Maybe you want to finally say goodbye to that late family member, properly.

In dreams, I get to interact with those in my life who are important to me but are miles and miles away. In dreams I get to talk to them face to face, I can hold them and feel them. It’s a way for me to deal with the emotional burden of them not being here and sometimes there are moments in dreams I wish I could actually live.

Last night I had a dream that a friend sent me a video of them in New York City. It was snowing and it was apparently Christmas by the garments that they had on. I went outside and there were Christmas decorations everywhere. I went up a long hill and raised my head to see the sky was filled with dazzling stars. What a beautiful dream. So beautiful, I had to immortalize it forever in a drawing. Which I often gawk at because I know I’ll never get that dream back.

But hey, you never know. Life is just dreams waiting to be made reality.

I wonder though, if someone could remember every detail of their dreams from while they were asleep, I’m sure there’d be movie scripts, inventions and lucrative ideas just waiting to be expanded upon.

Thank you for reading~

Until next time.

Fast Forward ⏩

Recently I’ve been noticing just how fast time seems to be going. It’s already almost the sixth month of the year. Halfway through the year. Weeks seem to blend into themselves and time is starting to seem more and more like something that’s just happening and that I have no control over.

Or do I?

I’ve been noticing more and more with meditation, as I sit with my eyes closed for thirty minutes that time seems to dissolve.

That “sense” of time that we all have… You know when you estimate how much time has gone by since you put those biscuits in the oven? Or how much time it’s been since you texted that person back?

Yeah, that. Well as I sit with my eyes closed all of that goes away. There’s no “it’s been 10 minutes” and counting the time until the session is over. It’s just me. Me being with me and being present in this moment.

See a lot of people live in terms of what will happen in the future. And sure, the future is sure to happen but it’s not a sure thing. No one can predict the future. You can only have an idea of what the future will be like based on the past.

As for as the past, the past only exists in our minds. Matter of fact, this whole post is in the past as I’m typing it. We can’t go back and our version of what happened is often skewed anyway.

Well what does that leave us with? The present. The here and now. You only really have now. That excitement you have for that future vacation or the anticipation that you’ll get a call back for that job is just speculation. We really don’t know where we’ll be five, ten months from now.

As I meditate more and more, I’m moving into this awareness. The awareness that I am just this moment.

The other day I had thoughts about my own mortality and felt as if I had to do something because time was going by too fast. I just got home from vacation and a month has gone at the snap of a finger. Soon I’ll be in the grave! Okay, hold on, hold on. Let’s relax.

If I fully embody the belief that I am just this moment then all the worries about the future and the flow of time will cease. There won’t be a flow of time, it’ll just be now.

It’s a hard concept to grasp but it’s more than a concept. It’s the truth.

Thank you for reading.

End of a Chapter, Start of a New One

Recently I’ve been feeling like a chapter of my life has come to a close and I’m starting a new one.

To better illustrate, I’ll explain it to you.

Recently I faced an old fear I had head on and came out on top, which partly inspired the last post. That and the bird. But anyway, I had an old story of limitation in my head. It’s basically those voices that tell you you can’t do something because it’s never been done or you won’t amount to nothing.

As I faced this fear, my whole body was freaking out and I nearly threw up. The whole time though I was just staying with my nervous self and not freaking out over being nervous which in turn would only make things worse. I also gave myself permission to throw up if I needed to. That may sound insane but I basically gave myself the space to be nervous and by doing that I was there for myself when I couldn’t really count on anyone.

Long story short I challenged the old story and proved it wrong. Now something I had huge anxiety and worry over isn’t even a problem anymore. I still get nervous sure but I can rest more knowing I am safe. I still have many fears that need to be faced.

That was the closing out of that chapter. The old story. The new chapter began when I began to look at all the possibilities now that I faced this fear. It was like stepping into a new world, you couldn’t believe how impactful it was when I did this one thing and didn’t run away.

I’m trying this new thing where I’m just honest about my feelings. I now understand the phrase “the truth will set you free.” You really liberate yourself from your mental prison when you just talk about what’s weighing you down.

I’ve stepped into a world where I only could have dreamed of months ago. And it’s all because I decided to face my biggest fear head on where others would run and hide. And that’s not to shame those people because I was scared too. But it’s more of giving myself a congratulatory pat on the back. We all deserve a little credit every now and then.

This has been the writer at Artistic Apathy.

Leap of Faith

I’m here at the park and I’m listening to Yumeji’s Theme by Shigeru Umebayashi and I see a bird.

This bird is perched up on top of a swing set and I notice how gracefully it dives with its wings tucked and lands on its two feet.

I thought “wow where do they get the confidence to do that?” It seems scary, even for a human. I thought “duh, it’s a bird of course it knows how to fly.” Then I had another thought.

Before that bird had to learn how to dive like that. Before it learned it had no idea what it was doing. It was probably a series of trial and errors. I don’t know, I’m no bird expert. All I know is that bird had faith and knew that it had to learn to fly to survive.

And so it did. Now it does it so gracefully and effortlessly it’s astonishing to watch.

Here it is, now I’m going to equate this to real life.

As I watched the bird I thought about how us humans are scared to leap or dive sometimes. But if you never take the plunge you won’t know what’s on the other side. You’ll never gain the confidence that that bird had when it dove to the ground.

Many of us are scared to leap whether it be quitting a job that doesn’t serve us or embarking on a business venture. But the truth of the matter is, we don’t know how good and expanded we’ll feel once we finally do take that plunge.

Great confidence and freedom comes from things such as these.

Think about the bird. How free it is. It can soar and fly. Wouldn’t you like to fly? It goes wherever it wants and isn’t tied down to any one place or thing like many of us humans are. We’re tied to our emotions, our financial situations, our jobs, friendships and relationships that don’t serve us anymore.

Wouldn’t you like to be more like the bird? Lose that jealous friend, quit that job you hate, conquer your fears and see what’s waiting for you on the other side. Be more like the bird.