freewriting – Page 5 – Artistic Apathy

Mood

Now I’ve already told you and I’ll tell you again.

How many times do we have to do this go around before you get it?

Who knows. It seems like we’ve been in this same position for some time. Waiting for the growth to begin but what exactly details growth? What exactly are we looking for and what meets the criteria? And can this come about by simple exertion?

These are the questions that need answers but while we wait, still something has to be done about the current situation.

There is no guide, no compass that points north. We do the best with what we have. We do the best with the knowledge that we have. But then that is when you need more knowledge. But when does knowledge become too much knowledge and actual action is required on your part?

Life is too tormenting to figure out everything by oneself. Some things need to happen to advance the plot forward.

The Hole

You could get as high as you want to and not fix the hole.

You can drink to your hearts’ content and not fix the hole.

You can eat an entire plate of nachos and not fix the hole.

You could have sex with 1,000 strangers and not fill the hole.

Everyday, moving onto the next thing. Always wondering what is next. What will come afterward and will it be better than before?

But no matter what happens, the hole remains.

The hole can’t be fixed by simple pleasures. It’s in need of a much larger remedy.

No purpose to be fulfilled. Aimless wandering, a life devoid of meaning and satisfaction. How grueling it gets when you don’t even know who you are for a fact!

Identity issues on top of identity issues. Insecurity. Instability. Doubt. Fear. Paranoia. Settling in… it’s creeping in, making its home.

Outside is beautiful but none of it feels real. Your self absorption has made you unable to take in simple beauty.

What a chore life can be when living like this.

No one is there for you when you need them. No when is there for you how you want them to be. Nothing seems right to you.

You can’t point at one thing and say it’s going well for you. The one thing you had the greatest expectations for let you down.

So then now what? When everything is crumbling down, where will you run? Who will you run to?…

Wya¿

I’m like a ghost.

Not appearing on anyone’s radar.

Insignificant.

I’m all alone, despite the illusions.

It’s just me. Blazing the trail alone.

I’m not an essential part of anyone’s life.

If I was gone tomorrow I doubt it would make any waves. Actually, I know it wouldn’t.

I’m not suicidal, I have no interest in dying. I have an interest in living. I’m just wondering when life is going to take an interest in me.

I don’t care about shit. All I care about is this art. As harsh as it sounds.

Nobody sees the real me. The person I could be. Not a soul.

Every day I wake up wondering if today will be the day. If something memorable will happen. But it never does. I’m re-living the same day over and over. What do I have to look forward to?

But still, I keep on existing. What else is there?

I shoulder it all alone. After all, who would care? No one really. It’s just me, again.

I don’t want to be famous, I don’t care about riches. I don’t care about things most people care about. I just want to live the life I know I’m meant to live.

But the brutal reality is the only thing standing in the way of that… is Me.

Imagine That

I had a conversation with a friend about being in confinement and how we were coping. He told me that imagination was the only thing getting him through. I replied with “imagination can only get you so far.”

I don’t know why I said that because it’s obviously not true.

When we are down and defeated, we imagine a better future so it keeps us going. Fortune 500 companies had to start out as a thought first. A concept, or imagination. Everything is conceived in the mind and then later brought into fruition through willpower. We imagine a better life for ourselves so it causes us to go out and seek that. Sometimes we even get the life we imagine by chance.

So really, I think imagination is powerful. Insert the quote by Albert Einstein somewhere in here:

“Imagination is more important than knowledge. For knowledge is limited, whereas imagination embraces the entire world, stimulating progress, giving birth to evolution.”
– Albert Einstein, physicist

Without imagination, those little sweet moments… the completely uncalled for, the spontaneous… the things that make everything worthwhile, would cease to be.

Music would cease to be. So many things, disappear.

So I’m going to appreciate my imagination more. For that is where my creativity comes from, and forms the basis of my identity.

Room

I want to know what makes you tick.

What fascinates you, scares you, worries you.

I want to know your deepest fears and your deepest desires.

Be honest with me. I won’t judge you.

After all, what am I here for?

I want you to know that you can confide in me and I’ll never let you down as long as I live.

You are my heart and I am yours.

Let’s just curl up in bed all day and be lazy. We don’t have to leave this room. The world can wait.

It will wait for us. And I will wait for you, as long as I have to.