love – Page 3 – Artistic Apathy

Magic

Magic… does it truly exist in this world? We see magic in the movies, on TV, we might even feel magical when we listen to certain kinds of music. We have holidays and parties where we dress up and pretend to be something we’re not. I think many people have a longing to escape.

For two hours I am watching a movie so captivating, so colorful, so whimsical and delightful that for that time I am transported into that world. I’m escaping for that little bit of time. The glare of the television screen acts as a window. A portal of sorts.

I connect with the characters. I feel for them. I feel the music deep within my bones. I get chills up my spine.

Afterwards it’s over and I’m left wanting more. Why can’t life be more like this, I wonder. Why can’t magic be real? Why can’t we go on adventures everyday?

The thing is… magic is real. Depending on your definition. The ability to suck me into a fictitious world and tie me to events happening in this world is a form of magic. When the right song comes on at the right time is a form of magic for me. The “magic” I’m talking about extends even farther than that. Miracles happen everyday. Ones we are blind too.

This is a frame of mind I’d like to keep as we go through these troubling times. I hope all of you stay safe out there but most of all, stay positive.

Blood, Sweat, but Mostly Tears

Let me paint you a picture.

A young man is troubled with growing pains.

When he was younger, everything was simpler. Everybody played together and less thought was given to what clique you were a part of or how you looked for that matter.

He found that when he got to high school, he felt invisible. Some “better looking” and more “suitable” guy stole the girl of his dreams.

He graduates high school and is looking for his place in the world. He suffers from interminable loneliness. All he knows is that he loves art. He sees artists in the media attracting lots of attention and he thinks “I can do that. Why should they get all the praise?”

So he locks himself away in his room. Working on his craft day and night. Determined to prove himself.

He starts to see some success and is getting more attention. Suddenly, people want to be around him. He forms a group of so-called friends who supposedly are there to secure his rise to the top. Then he finds that the industry is shady and he loses a lot of friends because of it. Some even stabbing him in the back.

He grows even colder. “Now I really won’t let anyone in. I’ll become the biggest artist in the world and all the fame and glory will be for me and me alone.”

So he becomes a chart topping success almost overnight. Now many women want to be with him but one stands out in particular.

This woman is very beautiful and she is also very popular so he thinks it would be a good look for him. The two date but he finds they have nothing in common. She only wants to talk about shallow things. At night he lies with her but it’s like lying next to a stranger.

Finally he makes enough money to be able to afford a big mansion in the hills. He moves the woman in with him and they have children.

One day he is sitting by himself and he thinks: “Why did I have children with this woman I don’t even love? Now I have everything I ever wanted. The fame. The money. The house on the hills and the trophy wife. But I still feel as empty as I did when I first started… I don’t want any of this anymore.”

So the boy, now a man plans his escape but it seems there’s nowhere for him to disappear to except a place you can’t come back from.

“So long world, you were never fair to me.”

And so… ends his long and arduous tale.

Life

Life is… sadness. It’s pain. But most importantly, it’s joy… happiness. It’s glee. It can be gloomy. It can be shadowy. It can be depressing. It can make you apathetic, it can make you jaded. It can make you care less. It can make you hateful, spiteful but it can also teach you how to love. It can be inspirational. Life is torment, instability, ambiguity… yet full of light, full of beauty, full of opportunity and full of beautiful people.

Life is all these things.

Let the Choir Sing

I wrote the following while listening to the composition Douze petits chorals by Erik Satie. I hope that you enjoy. It was written as an exercise but you may get some delight out of it.

Douze petits chorals

Oh, to delight in whimsy and to experience all the travesties that come with life.

Everything’s come full circle. How suffocating it tends to be. How encumbering it is. The shifting of a moral paradigm. You begin to question, who you were all along and what exactly it is you sought. Nothing it seems. Chasing the wind. Dreams blown away like chaff. It ceases to be in that moment.

Now you have a new dream but please don’t be so dreadful about it. You are born again to the world. You are a new creature.

My mind… it plots against me. It’s one step ahead of me. I try to outwit it but it seems to know every move in advance like playing chess against a super computer.

What has my wings stitched together that I cannot spread them out to fly? What binds me? Give me your everlasting freedom. I want a taste. I yearn for it in the morning and at night when I lay my head to rest, it is my salvation.

Bring it forth to me so that I may delight in its splendor. Lest I be undone. Unraveled. Left naked and hopeless, lying in the wilderness.

A dreadful end indeed.

My Year in Review

2019 was a surprisingly positive year with a lot of development.

This year I saw myself unravel before my very eyes and leave my anxiety and depression from the previous year in the dust.

At the very beginning of the year I escaped to the more tropical climate of Dominican Republic and spent three whole months recuperating after a massive traumatizing event.

I got to re-connect with a lot of family members and it felt good just to be surrounded by people who love me.

When I came back in May, I got a new job within a week of being back home.

I had no idea how much this new job would mean to me and how essential it would be for my development as a person. I didn’t account for the invaluable relationships I would make and the sense of responsibility and the confidence that comes along with that.

This year I attended more concerts than ever before.

I only attended one concert in 2018 but this year I even saw myself going out of state for one (which was glorious by the way).

I saw musicians I had been following for a long time which left a real impression on me. I connected with myself as well as my comrades, the fans.

I hope that in 2019 I will get to see many more of my favorite artists and have a great time.

This is the year I got in the moment. On and off I meditated everyday for months. Even having a streak of 29 days at one point. I learned a lot about myself through meditation. I learned how to handle fears and emotions better. I became a more efficient person and more in tune with myself. As a result I became less addictive and more content with how things were in the present moment.

In 2019 I let go of relationships that weren’t serving me. I plan to focus more on the people who have time for me and value me this year than those who really don’t or pretend to.

All in all I’m grateful for this year and glad that I made it through in one piece.

Any resolutions? No. Just to continue working on myself and get closer to my heart.

Happy New Year 2020 everyone.