Tag: meditation

The Hole

You could get as high as you want to and not fix the hole.

You can drink to your hearts’ content and not fix the hole.

You can eat an entire plate of nachos and not fix the hole.

You could have sex with 1,000 strangers and not fill the hole.

Everyday, moving onto the next thing. Always wondering what is next. What will come afterward and will it be better than before?

But no matter what happens, the hole remains.

The hole can’t be fixed by simple pleasures. It’s in need of a much larger remedy.

No purpose to be fulfilled. Aimless wandering, a life devoid of meaning and satisfaction. How grueling it gets when you don’t even know who you are for a fact!

Identity issues on top of identity issues. Insecurity. Instability. Doubt. Fear. Paranoia. Settling in… it’s creeping in, making its home.

Outside is beautiful but none of it feels real. Your self absorption has made you unable to take in simple beauty.

What a chore life can be when living like this.

No one is there for you when you need them. No when is there for you how you want them to be. Nothing seems right to you.

You can’t point at one thing and say it’s going well for you. The one thing you had the greatest expectations for let you down.

So then now what? When everything is crumbling down, where will you run? Who will you run to?…

Wya¿

I’m like a ghost.

Not appearing on anyone’s radar.

Insignificant.

I’m all alone, despite the illusions.

It’s just me. Blazing the trail alone.

I’m not an essential part of anyone’s life.

If I was gone tomorrow I doubt it would make any waves. Actually, I know it wouldn’t.

I’m not suicidal, I have no interest in dying. I have an interest in living. I’m just wondering when life is going to take an interest in me.

I don’t care about shit. All I care about is this art. As harsh as it sounds.

Nobody sees the real me. The person I could be. Not a soul.

Every day I wake up wondering if today will be the day. If something memorable will happen. But it never does. I’m re-living the same day over and over. What do I have to look forward to?

But still, I keep on existing. What else is there?

I shoulder it all alone. After all, who would care? No one really. It’s just me, again.

I don’t want to be famous, I don’t care about riches. I don’t care about things most people care about. I just want to live the life I know I’m meant to live.

But the brutal reality is the only thing standing in the way of that… is Me.

Imagine That

I had a conversation with a friend about being in confinement and how we were coping. He told me that imagination was the only thing getting him through. I replied with “imagination can only get you so far.”

I don’t know why I said that because it’s obviously not true.

When we are down and defeated, we imagine a better future so it keeps us going. Fortune 500 companies had to start out as a thought first. A concept, or imagination. Everything is conceived in the mind and then later brought into fruition through willpower. We imagine a better life for ourselves so it causes us to go out and seek that. Sometimes we even get the life we imagine by chance.

So really, I think imagination is powerful. Insert the quote by Albert Einstein somewhere in here:

“Imagination is more important than knowledge. For knowledge is limited, whereas imagination embraces the entire world, stimulating progress, giving birth to evolution.”

– Albert Einstein, physicist

Without imagination, those little sweet moments… the completely uncalled for, the spontaneous… the things that make everything worthwhile, would cease to be.

Music would cease to be. So many things, disappear.

So I’m going to appreciate my imagination more. For that is where my creativity comes from, and forms the basis of my identity.

Permanent Vacation

Have you found your new home yet?

…

I see. There’s no need to rush things. In the meantime, why don’t you try making yourself at home?

…

I see. That’s unfortunate. Just wait and it’ll happen.

…

And by wait I don’t mean waste time. There is a lot of living to be done before you find the right place.

…

Maybe it would make it easier if you believed that that place was already being prepared for you.

…

See, you don’t see it now but your bed has already been made. And it will remain. So there is no need to stress.

…

Must we go on about this any longer? I’m starting to grow tired.

…

Good night.

Lament

I have a lot to feel sorry for.

But tonight I want to forget about all that.

For once, I want to leave everything on the page.

Do you think I want to possess you? No. I just want your love. If even for tonight.

Tomorrow we can go back to being strangers. But for now, all that pent up frustration and emotional baggage… Use me to get over it. I’d gladly let you.

We are both lost souls. Looking for a place in this world that’s most unfriendly. Let me be the fire that warms your heart like a homely fireplace, lest our love be thrown to the furnace.

We’re at risk of falling and becoming like the rest of them. But that’s not becoming of us.

We peer into their lives but only out of curiosity. We wish not to meddle. Just observe. How things go on. We are looking from the outside in.

Play the music that makes it feel like time is at a standstill. I want to be there with you. In those moments in between.

I’ll go the distance but you have to show me you are willing to meet me there. I run the race for no one. Unless I see a cause.

We’re searching for things to momentarily fill the void. Whilst looking for things that set off bombs in us… Rupturing and undoing years of perpetual guilt, torment, and blame.

Tonight is quite dark and lonely but truth is… I walk the path alone. Who will meet me halfway? I don’t know. Time is valuable but why does it feel like a currency we can’t afford?

It’s just the plate that life’s handed us, it’s today’s du jour.

I’ll await at the borderline for something to save me. To make it all worth it. Is it really all weighing on my shoulders? It’s too much to bare. But I’ve shouldered it before. So therefore, I march on.

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