personal – Page 4 – Artistic Apathy

Lament

I have a lot to feel sorry for.

But tonight I want to forget about all that.

For once, I want to leave everything on the page.

Do you think I want to possess you? No. I just want your love. If even for tonight.

Tomorrow we can go back to being strangers. But for now, all that pent up frustration and emotional baggage… Use me to get over it. I’d gladly let you.

We are both lost souls. Looking for a place in this world that’s most unfriendly. Let me be the fire that warms your heart like a homely fireplace, lest our love be thrown to the furnace.

We’re at risk of falling and becoming like the rest of them. But that’s not becoming of us.

We peer into their lives but only out of curiosity. We wish not to meddle. Just observe. How things go on. We are looking from the outside in.

Play the music that makes it feel like time is at a standstill. I want to be there with you. In those moments in between.

I’ll go the distance but you have to show me you are willing to meet me there. I run the race for no one. Unless I see a cause.

We’re searching for things to momentarily fill the void. Whilst looking for things that set off bombs in us… Rupturing and undoing years of perpetual guilt, torment, and blame.

Tonight is quite dark and lonely but truth is… I walk the path alone. Who will meet me halfway? I don’t know. Time is valuable but why does it feel like a currency we can’t afford?

It’s just the plate that life’s handed us, it’s today’s du jour.

I’ll await at the borderline for something to save me. To make it all worth it. Is it really all weighing on my shoulders? It’s too much to bare. But I’ve shouldered it before. So therefore, I march on.

Four Letters

L-O-V-E

What does that spell?

Oh, what a concept.

Is it an action or is it a feeling, a state of being maybe?

Supposedly the key to everything and still I’m not sure what it is or what it’s supposed to feel like

Have I ever felt it? No… no… Surely I must have.

What’s it like to be struck breathless by someone who loves you?

Why should I entrust all of myself to one single person?

I have many questions.

I want to feel it as strongly as others feel it… I feel it’s the one thing I’m missing.

But how I arrive there, I don’t know.

Nightmare Novela

These days are becoming more and more meaningless and I’m losing sense of it all.

It all feels like a dream, like I’m living in a movie.

Each day I wake up I think that today’s the day where I “get it right.”

As if I even know what that means. There’s only so much you can do under quarantine.

I have all the entertainment and access in the world but I just want instant satisfaction. I’ve become jaded.

Now’s a good a time as any to work on the areas in your life that you didn’t have time for before.

But I don’t want to sit down and work on anything. I want satisfaction now. I can’t wait for it.

Still, I must go on or it will be another year perennially wasted.

Perfect Phantom

A drifter.

A wanderer.

A vagrant.

A misnomer.

A complete anomaly.

No identity.

No ties.

No friends.

No lovers.

No profile.

1 of ?

Team player.

No… no.

If the answer was in him he surely would have found it.

Something’s missing.

He’s missing.

But to have been missing, he would have to have had a place where he belonged in the first place.

A ghost.

A virtual nobody.

No record.

No backstory.

Just the perfect phantom.

And the strange thing is… he might actually prefer it that way.

Guess This is the End

I walk up to the kitchen window to observe the expansive blue sky. In my headphones I’m listening to a song that sounds like it’s pulled straight out of a soundtrack. This feels like the end. Or at least the end of one chapter. I’ve been here for two whole months and for a moment I didn’t know if I was going to be trapped here or not. I fly tomorrow and what I’ll bring back home with me I’m not sure but I’m confident it’s something.

I have a hope for the future. For a moment it was touch and go. These last couple of months haven’t been easy. I found myself praying a lot. Making myself to be a victim. Then I realized just how fortunate I am. Something clicked in my head. Now I feel like I have a mission. It won’t be without its tears but that’s life I guess. Whether I wait around forever for someone to “save” me is up to me entirely.

I like music because it makes me feel like a hero. Will I be the hero in my own story? I guess we’ll have to see.