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Month: July 2019

In Less than a Year I Went From Suicidal Thoughts to Loving My Life

I used to think I had no future and I was hopeless. Now I believe anything is possible.

Queue the mic drop.

No really, I’m here to talk about my life. More specifically how much it’s changed.

Last year toward the end I’d been more hopeful than I ever was. The bulk of 2018 was sort of wacky but I aimed to end it on a positive note.

Till something terrible happened.

This event changed the way I looked at life in such a way that the effects were irreversible.

Thinking I needed a chance to recover from the chaos, I whisked away to the Dominican Republic where I stayed for three months.

This trip turned out to be the catalyst for a bunch of turning points.

I connected with my father who I hadn’t seen in a very long time and also got to see both sides of the family which is massive on both ends.

I really felt the love while I was there and ironically I had a lot of time to myself and to gather my thoughts. I made a list of all the things I wanted to accomplish when I got home and when I did I wasted no time.

By this time it’s mid May. I was a whole ‘nother person. Family back home couldn’t even recognize me. Although I had changed a lot on the outside they still couldn’t see the demons I was battling on the inside.

Until I started watching videos from an old mentor and he talked about “allowing.”

I started to “allow” and things shaped up quickly. Lots of things fell apart and I felt relieved. I started getting into meditation and allowing more.

I found stability and comfort in a new job and I felt like a functioning person again after months of peeking out my blinds.

Sometimes I think just how far I’ve come but it’s easy to take it for granted. I used to think I had no future and I was hopeless. Now I believe anything is possible. Went from thinking I needed a therapist to undoing years of ingrained beliefs just by sitting alone in a room. Stuff’s powerful.

2019 is only about half over and I still don’t know what the rest holds but I do know I have big plans.

Some things went unplanned however like the loss of certain friends and the sudden realization you can’t depend on anyone for your happiness or well-being.

That in itself however is a grown-up lesson and I will take it on the nose.

I’m not exactly out of the woods yet but it’s safe to say I’m much better than I’ve been and if you read my last post all that’s left is for me to hop on the train and ride.

Till next time.

Is God/The Universe Trying to Tell Me Something?

Hi everybody. Long time no see.

If you’re wondering where I’ve been at, I’ve been here and there.

Really, my life has been improving at a steady rate and for a long time I wanted to write about it but the right inspiration never came.

Now I have something to say.

Is the universe or God or the cosmos (whatever name you have for that mysterious force that seems to nudge you in the right direction) actually on my side?

A couple lines ago I mentioned how my life has been improving very fast. For a long time I had crippling anxiety and depression which rendered me unable to leave the house for days. Now I get out more and my social skills have improved tenfold, I’m able to talk to people and people enjoy my company. I’m starting to see all the possibilities ahead of me and it’s great.

There’s still one thing, though. You know the saying “old habits die hard?” Well that’s been true in my case. I feel like the universe has given me an opportunity to step into alignment with myself. It seems many good things are just falling in my lap and I’m being asked to fully realize myself as a person.

Still there are some toxic habits I can’t seem to let go of but am fully aware of their toxicity. Why do I do them? Well because it’s easy and makes sense at the time. I know that there is a higher calling for me but I ignore it and focus on the temporary. I don’t realize that negative emotions all come to pass and I need something now to help cope with it instead of just being there for myself emotionally.

For that reason I’ve come to feel really stressed and in this limbo of sorts. It’s like a friend of mine discussed. He said it’s like you’re a caterpillar in a cocoon trying to turn into a butterfly but you’re still holding onto your caterpillar ways so you can’t become the butterfly.

Another analogy would be you waiting on a train station and the train begins boarding, waiting to take you to the next phase but you’re stuck contemplating whether or not you wanna get on. The train doesn’t wait for you and so it leaves. Now you’re stuck with the feeling of regret that you didn’t get on board. The train comes back around every so often waiting for you to board. But it’s not until you actually get on board that you can be taken to a new place.

I feel like I was supposed to stumble on that video, it put into words exactly what I’ve been going through. And I was assured that everything would still be okay, however long it took for me to get on “board.”

Maybe someone will see this and relate. Thank you for reading.