coping – Page 3 – Artistic Apathy

Is God/The Universe Trying to Tell Me Something?

Hi everybody. Long time no see.

If you’re wondering where I’ve been at, I’ve been here and there.

Really, my life has been improving at a steady rate and for a long time I wanted to write about it but the right inspiration never came.

Now I have something to say.

Is the universe or God or the cosmos (whatever name you have for that mysterious force that seems to nudge you in the right direction) actually on my side?

A couple lines ago I mentioned how my life has been improving very fast. For a long time I had crippling anxiety and depression which rendered me unable to leave the house for days. Now I get out more and my social skills have improved tenfold, I’m able to talk to people and people enjoy my company. I’m starting to see all the possibilities ahead of me and it’s great.

There’s still one thing, though. You know the saying “old habits die hard?” Well that’s been true in my case. I feel like the universe has given me an opportunity to step into alignment with myself. It seems many good things are just falling in my lap and I’m being asked to fully realize myself as a person.

Still there are some toxic habits I can’t seem to let go of but am fully aware of their toxicity. Why do I do them? Well because it’s easy and makes sense at the time. I know that there is a higher calling for me but I ignore it and focus on the temporary. I don’t realize that negative emotions all come to pass and I need something now to help cope with it instead of just being there for myself emotionally.

For that reason I’ve come to feel really stressed and in this limbo of sorts. It’s like a friend of mine discussed. He said it’s like you’re a caterpillar in a cocoon trying to turn into a butterfly but you’re still holding onto your caterpillar ways so you can’t become the butterfly.

Another analogy would be you waiting on a train station and the train begins boarding, waiting to take you to the next phase but you’re stuck contemplating whether or not you wanna get on. The train doesn’t wait for you and so it leaves. Now you’re stuck with the feeling of regret that you didn’t get on board. The train comes back around every so often waiting for you to board. But it’s not until you actually get on board that you can be taken to a new place.

I feel like I was supposed to stumble on that video, it put into words exactly what I’ve been going through. And I was assured that everything would still be okay, however long it took for me to get on “board.”

Maybe someone will see this and relate. Thank you for reading.

Leap of Faith

I’m here at the park and I’m listening to Yumeji’s Theme by Shigeru Umebayashi and I see a bird.

This bird is perched up on top of a swing set and I notice how gracefully it dives with its wings tucked and lands on its two feet.

I thought “wow where do they get the confidence to do that?” It seems scary, even for a human. I thought “duh, it’s a bird of course it knows how to fly.” Then I had another thought.

Before that bird had to learn how to dive like that. Before it learned it had no idea what it was doing. It was probably a series of trial and errors. I don’t know, I’m no bird expert. All I know is that bird had faith and knew that it had to learn to fly to survive.

And so it did. Now it does it so gracefully and effortlessly it’s astonishing to watch.

Here it is, now I’m going to equate this to real life.

As I watched the bird I thought about how us humans are scared to leap or dive sometimes. But if you never take the plunge you won’t know what’s on the other side. You’ll never gain the confidence that that bird had when it dove to the ground.

Many of us are scared to leap whether it be quitting a job that doesn’t serve us or embarking on a business venture. But the truth of the matter is, we don’t know how good and expanded we’ll feel once we finally do take that plunge.

Great confidence and freedom comes from things such as these.

Think about the bird. How free it is. It can soar and fly. Wouldn’t you like to fly? It goes wherever it wants and isn’t tied down to any one place or thing like many of us humans are. We’re tied to our emotions, our financial situations, our jobs, friendships and relationships that don’t serve us anymore.

Wouldn’t you like to be more like the bird? Lose that jealous friend, quit that job you hate, conquer your fears and see what’s waiting for you on the other side. Be more like the bird.

10 Days of Meditation – Results

Now the title may be misleading. I didn’t meditate for ten days straight. I just made it a habit to take some time out of my day to devote to myself. Particularly in the morning.

While I don’t want to make this journey all about the results, I think it’s important to put into focus what I’ve learned and hopefully you all can get something out of it as well.

Now if you read my previous blog post about meditation you would know I’m no stranger to it. I started my own practice what seems like forever ago but is only a few years. A lot has changed since then.

Mainly what got me back into doing it is my desire to be more engaged in the present moment. I found myself often times retreating into my mind and fighting inner demons all day long. I wanted to dispel those demons and feel more in the here and now and not in the future or past.

So far it’s been helping me to do that. You could call me a intermediate meditator so I quickly fell back into the practice. I thought nothing would come up during the meditation but to my surprise many thoughts and stories and feelings came up.

My job was to not tamper with them but to simply leave them be. They would come in and do their thing for a while then they would leave. I had an old thought pattern that was eating me away. When I began “allowing,” it quickly became almost a non-issue. Today I can say it’s one less thing to worry about.

I’ve learned a lot of things about myself. The days have been mostly fair to me but the other day I was struggling with an inner pain. Depends on your definition of struggling though as I was learning how to be with it. I came up with an interesting metaphor. Old pains are like a wounded animal you find by chance. You take it in, nurse it back to health and love it and when it’s time you set it free.

That’s exactly what I practiced. I spent the day feeling the pain in full. No denying it or trying to stuff it down. I didn’t eat it away, I didn’t engage in some kind of awful addiction to numb it. Although I’m not judging those who do.

I was feeling anxiety about an upcoming event and I started getting all these thoughts in my head. An old story about me played in my head, essentially a limitation and I found myself “predicting” the future.

My mind took me to a place where the future event had already happened and I had screwed things up. It was merely a thought but I was living it in the here and now as if it was real. I realized that no one can tell the future but the pain would not go away. It was calling out to be felt/loved like a small child.

I had a conversation with a friend and we talked about how there are good days and bad days and something that was so common sense clicked later when the following day I woke up feeling much better. The pain tried to creep back up later but I was wide open to accepting it and it did its thing and left.

What he said just kind of drives home the fact that all pain is temporary and we don’t have to feel this way forever. When you’re in pain you project into the future as if you are always going to feel this way but that’s just not true. There are good days and bad days and our job is to be there with ourselves on those bad days and not run from ourselves which makes us feel more isolated and alone and does the opposite of what we are trying to achieve.

The future event didn’t even end up happening so that just proves further how much of it is a lie. Now I have another event coming up and I don’t feel as anxious after the awareness I’ve gained.

I’m more aware of my body and I can feel myself literally resisting thoughts and how my body reacts to certain thoughts/feelings/emotions.

It’s all pretty enlightening stuff but I’m only a step of the way there.

Today I realized quite literally what it means that we are the sky not the clouds. As I laid on my back and watched the clouds drift by. We are infinite, we are the sky–not the cloud which is passing by.

I’m looking forward more than ever to where life takes me as it seems that everything is lining up perfect for me to step into my power. The test is here. No pressure though.

Thank you for reading~

My Struggle With Being Bipolar

A little fact you may not know about me is that I have bipolar disorder. And recently I’ve been diagnosed with schizophrenia.

My road with mental illness (and I’m reluctant to say “battle” as many who suffer from mental illness have endured a lot more than I have) started a couple years ago in 2016 when I had my first manic episode triggered by some anti-depressants I was taking.

Since then I’ve had two more episodes. Thankfully these episodes didn’t last long and didn’t leave much in their wake but a broken self-esteem.

I was embarrassed of the choices I made and more importantly how I was perceived. Not only that but I terrified my family.

For a while I really didn’t feel good about myself. I was wondering why it had to be me. Why did I have to be diagnosed with this condition? I was worried about the stigma and also the destructive nature that is mania.

Part of me enjoyed mania. When I’m manic, the world is rose colored and the possibilities are endless. I have boundless energy and resolve to meet my goals. I met a lot of unforgettable people because of this. Normally I’m more of a homebody but when I’m manic I like to take risks and am adventurous. But there’s a dark side. I’m not rational. And I can hurt myself and even those around me if I’m not careful.

It’s a part of me I rather people not know about. I don’t want people to know about the things I did while manic.

There are also lows where one feels like everything is hopeless and considers suicide as a actual viable option. Which I know now is never an option.

Life is unfair, that much is known. I’ve gone from bipolar II which is a less severe form to bipolar I a more severe form, to now being diagnosed with bipolar and schizophrenia at the same time.

I did what they asked but still things only got worse and recently I had the most terrifying moment in my life happen that left me thinking “well, what now?”

My life is now a series of gray areas and I’m not sure what to hold on to anymore.

When I feel too happy, I wonder if it’s because an episode is coming on. I try not to project into the future but these episodes happen. Although not as frequent as with some people, I’m still wary of one coming on. In the past I thought I would be able to sense when an episode was coming but each time has been different and I never really realize I’m living in a delusion until it’s too late.

In these states, there’s usually recurring elements. I wonder what they tell me about myself. I always believe in the same things, go after the same things. I always go to the same places. Surely there’s something to learn from it. But I guess that’s just taking the good with the bad.

This was more of a post to just cope with some thoughts and feelings I have been having lately. If you made it through it all, I applaud you. If not, I don’t hold it against you.

This is my world. Thank you for reading.

Silence, Stillness

How much do you value silence?

In this fast paced and ever demanding world, rarely do people stop to take a real breather.

I think silence, stillness, is powerful.

There’s beauty in just staying still and observing what is around you without so much as a word. Or also, just observing your mind. How many people know how to calm their mind to a standstill? Where the daily traffic of intruding thoughts and memos and reminders come to a halt? A daunting task for I’d say many. It’s something that still eludes me myself.

How more beautiful can a moment be in perfect silence? Even your mind is silent. You’re just being. How many people can appreciate this moment before they go mad or reach for their phone? Not many.

I remember I used to practice meditation for 2 hours every morning. For a while I didn’t think it did anything. Then I started noticing that I felt calmer, didn’t divide my attention up and could focus on things more attentively. I also just seemed happier.

See, they call a wandering mind “monkey mind.” The mind is like an ape begging for attention constantly. By taking time out of my day to watch and essentially give it the attention it wanted, I was able to calm it.

I’m guilty of falling out of this practice but today brought me back to the moments I spent enjoying absolute stillness and nothingness, just being. Singularity. Indeed life is very delicate in and of itself and when you stop a moment to appreciate it you become more thankful.

Perhaps I will reinstate this practice back into my routine as it is to my benefit.

Thank you for reading.