journal – Page 6 – Artistic Apathy

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All I can see is my pain.

It’s like a mountain standing in front of me.

I just don’t have the tools to climb over and get to the other side.

I feel like the light in me has gone out. I can’t trust anyone, there is no one who will spark it.

I’d give anything just to be happy. Why do I have to face these obstacles every day? It doesn’t feel like it’s getting easier, only harder.

I don’t think I need much. I just want to live in a place where there is trust, love and goodwill.

How can I overcome all this if I can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel? It may all work out in the end but all I see is me suffering right now.

Have mercy.

My heart has been smashed into a million pieces.

Permanent Vacation

Have you found your new home yet?

…

I see. There’s no need to rush things. In the meantime, why don’t you try making yourself at home?

…

I see. That’s unfortunate. Just wait and it’ll happen.

…

And by wait I don’t mean waste time. There is a lot of living to be done before you find the right place.

…

Maybe it would make it easier if you believed that that place was already being prepared for you.

…

See, you don’t see it now but your bed has already been made. And it will remain. So there is no need to stress.

…

Must we go on about this any longer? I’m starting to grow tired.

…

Good night.

M.O

I can birth the story but when I do, it takes on a life of its own.

I can scribble my true feelings onto paper but now it’s more than a poem.

I can live and take my bed up here and still have it not be my home.

I can have friends for life but really still be alone

I can have a heart of flesh but really have a heart of stone

I can pretend to not be affected but still be prone

I can write you a poem on your birthday, written in prose

One Long Night

I trail on alone… in the darkness.

I’ve never been more frightened. It’s thundering and the clouds are dark and charged with rain.

For a moment, it seems the only thing raining down tonight is me.

But I can’t turn back… not now anyway.

There’s nothing to go back to. They say home is where the heart is. In that case, my home is definitely not my home. And I have nowhere I can place my heart.

I feel stranded. Like the loneliest creature in this long and dreary night.

I call a friend but strangely their phone has been disconnected. It’s all awfully too convenient.

I look for a sign. Telling me to go back. Or to keep going. I’m done relying on signs. Suddenly, it begins to rain. So I search for the nearest cover. A tree provides me with temporary shelter. Still, I’m shaken with fear. Will anything ease my troubled mind?

Suddenly home doesn’t seem so bad. At least it’s a shelter from all the dangers of life. Although one day I won’t have that safety cushion anymore. I’ll have to venture out into the wilderness alone. Kind of like now.

Who or what will I give my heart to? Who or what will be the tree that shades me through the storms and the rain?

For now, there’s nobody. And that’s just a reality I have to deal with. Although I don’t want to, I will have to return home immediately. And not because anyone will worry about me. But because I have to. It’s my only home. As broken as it may be.

As the night progresses, I strangely find solace under this tree. This thing, it’s not a human but it’s providing me with necessary shelter. Life’s comical that way. I somehow find peace and quiet even though the weather has not yet tempered.

The street has no perceivable end. I could shout and no one would hear me.

It’s puzzling to me how no one is slightly worried for my safety. All I have is myself and an iTunes library of music. Is it enough? Who knows.

I was afraid of being caught in a thunderstorm but nature isn’t to be feared. It’s to be respected. And right now it’s coming through for me when no one is.

It’s not like I’m completely alone. But I might as well be. Having someone to talk to isn’t the same as having someone you can be yourself with, unapologetically.

I know I’ll make it through this. There’s no doubt in my mind. I always persevere and that’s a trait I like in myself. But for now all I see is a lost little boy. Alone in the rain.

Lament

I have a lot to feel sorry for.

But tonight I want to forget about all that.

For once, I want to leave everything on the page.

Do you think I want to possess you? No. I just want your love. If even for tonight.

Tomorrow we can go back to being strangers. But for now, all that pent up frustration and emotional baggage… Use me to get over it. I’d gladly let you.

We are both lost souls. Looking for a place in this world that’s most unfriendly. Let me be the fire that warms your heart like a homely fireplace, lest our love be thrown to the furnace.

We’re at risk of falling and becoming like the rest of them. But that’s not becoming of us.

We peer into their lives but only out of curiosity. We wish not to meddle. Just observe. How things go on. We are looking from the outside in.

Play the music that makes it feel like time is at a standstill. I want to be there with you. In those moments in between.

I’ll go the distance but you have to show me you are willing to meet me there. I run the race for no one. Unless I see a cause.

We’re searching for things to momentarily fill the void. Whilst looking for things that set off bombs in us… Rupturing and undoing years of perpetual guilt, torment, and blame.

Tonight is quite dark and lonely but truth is… I walk the path alone. Who will meet me halfway? I don’t know. Time is valuable but why does it feel like a currency we can’t afford?

It’s just the plate that life’s handed us, it’s today’s du jour.

I’ll await at the borderline for something to save me. To make it all worth it. Is it really all weighing on my shoulders? It’s too much to bare. But I’ve shouldered it before. So therefore, I march on.