coping – Page 2 – Artistic Apathy

Journal – Oct. 11, 2019

I have no more thoughts about people.

And I don’t mean to say that I dislike people or I discount them.

What I mean is I have no more judgements about people.

No more pre-conceived notions of who they are based on something as unreliable as appearance or any other trivial thing.

But this is a good thing right? It’s better I don’t judge a book based on its cover or by a single action. I’m much happier this way.

This way everyone is equal in my eyes. No one is “good” or “bad.”

I heard someone once say “to judge is to suffer.” I find that holds true. If you’re constantly labeling things as either good or bad, if you exist in these two polarities, you will find misery…

Isolation Therapy #2

Sept. 25th, 2019

I sit here writing, I’m not sure why…

The beauty of language.

Ah, it just came to me.

The very idea that lacing sentences together could be a craft. I love my life… oh, that’s a bit off-topic. But yes, back to language. Language is a positively wonderful thing because it allows us to express what’s going on inside our heads. Also, language largely comprises the make-up of our day-in, day-out thinking. Just imagine if we didn’t have it. But just like someone can be a master craftsman with words, so can someone speak to you through music. We’ve all heard the phrase “this is speaking to me.” I think this can be true in the metaphysical sense.

Just imagine. I’m in my room, the atmosphere is positively romantic and I’m listening to smooth jazz. The music speaks to the environment and by extension, my radiant soul.

In other words, it “speaks to me.” Everything can be said without so much as a word. This is also why others have described silence as deafening. Silence is almost like an entity that can devour you and the room whole. If you are resistant to it, it will cause a great deal of pain because silence will devour you anyway. This is why a lot of people cry when they are finally alone with no distractions.

In today’s world, everyone is trying to avoid solace/silence/isolation. You might just discover that your own company is much more pleasurable than that of others if you sit with no distractions for a bit and just take in the moment.

It’s a fun time indeed.

Nothing like it.

So good to see you again.

Learning to Forgive Myself and Building a Relationship

A lot of people seem to forget that the most important person you can build a relationship with is yourself. Without a solid connection to yourself, a lot of your exterior relationships will suffer.

Lately I’ve been working on honoring the things that make me feel good and shunning the things that don’t make me feel good.

Recently though, I did something that didn’t align with my standards and instead of beating myself up about it, I forgave myself instead.

Shocking, right? You might be wondering what I did but that’s not important. A lot of what kept me in a rut so many months ago was ruminating on the past. I just couldn’t let things go. I spent time and time again playing scenarios back in my head wishing I would have did things differently but…

It was too late. That past happened and I had to come to reconciliation with that. They say time heals all wounds well after years of fighting with my very being I just got tired of fighting.

When you really accept yourself even for all your supposed flaws and shortcomings, you build such a strong tether to yourself that almost nothing can shake you.

If a friend came to you after fucking up and instead of telling him everything was going to be okay you berate him — what kind of friend would you be?

That’s what you do when you slip up and get angry at yourself. You’re not being a very good friend.

Everyone in the world could forgive you but until you forgive yourself are you truly forgiven?

Guys, we have to start building that relationship, understand that we are human and that nobody is perfect. Such a cliché but it couldn’t ring more true in today’s society.

When you do, watch everything change.

Is Life Mundane or Can it be an Adventure Everyday?

I used to find the reality of life to be rather boring. Painful even. In real life you’re put through school in a pipeline fashion since you’re physically able to speak and come out as an adult and suddenly you’re supposed to know what you want to be forever.

If you choose the wrong career it could mean failure, so you better choose wisely. Thinking this way can make life seem like it’s all a game of survival. We have to constantly protect ourself from “threats” like back stabbing friends or people holding us back.

Yeah, life can appear rather boring and dismal. After all you can’t fly, you don’t have superpowers and you can’t teleport anywhere at whim. Sigh.

This is why from a young age I’ve always been drawn towards stories of fantasy and adventure. Journeys across strange worlds in search of treasure or power. It seemed a lot more exciting compared to my real life and oftentimes I wished I could live in these fantasy worlds but… this is reality. And in the real world there are no superpowers, you can’t fly…

But wait! That’s not entirely true. In the real world there are superpowers. They just don’t involve laser vision and invisibility.

For some, a superpower can be the ability to walk up to a cashier and order food in a concise manner without stumbling or stuttering over your words.

A superpower can be asking that girl out that you’ve always dreamt of dating but never had the courage to do so until now.

A superpower can simply be the courage to follow your dreams and not be worried about failing or letting anyone down.

So can life be an adventure with superpowers and flying? Well… maybe not flying like a bird in the literal sense but absolutely!

We’ve all heard of adventures like climbing a mountain, spending a retreat in the woods or traveling the world but what about right here in your hometown? Can you make your adventure there?

More and more life is becoming like an adventure for me. Even things that people see as mundane I see differently. I see everything almost as a game and there are levels. Every-time you try something new or face a fear, you expand. That’s a level up. Every-time you do something you’ve done a million times but with a different attitude, that’s a new level. It’s a new you.

Yes life can seem dreary and dull but it will stay like that until you start doing the things that excite you, make you happy and bring you satisfaction.

There’s a million opportunities a day. Don’t plan anything, just go where the wind takes you. But follow your heart and everyday will seem like an adventure.

In Less than a Year I Went From Suicidal Thoughts to Loving My Life

I used to think I had no future and I was hopeless. Now I believe anything is possible.

Queue the mic drop.

No really, I’m here to talk about my life. More specifically how much it’s changed.

Last year toward the end I’d been more hopeful than I ever was. The bulk of 2018 was sort of wacky but I aimed to end it on a positive note.

Till something terrible happened.

This event changed the way I looked at life in such a way that the effects were irreversible.

Thinking I needed a chance to recover from the chaos, I whisked away to the Dominican Republic where I stayed for three months.

This trip turned out to be the catalyst for a bunch of turning points.

I connected with my father who I hadn’t seen in a very long time and also got to see both sides of the family which is massive on both ends.

I really felt the love while I was there and ironically I had a lot of time to myself and to gather my thoughts. I made a list of all the things I wanted to accomplish when I got home and when I did I wasted no time.

By this time it’s mid May. I was a whole ‘nother person. Family back home couldn’t even recognize me. Although I had changed a lot on the outside they still couldn’t see the demons I was battling on the inside.

Until I started watching videos from an old mentor and he talked about “allowing.”

I started to “allow” and things shaped up quickly. Lots of things fell apart and I felt relieved. I started getting into meditation and allowing more.

I found stability and comfort in a new job and I felt like a functioning person again after months of peeking out my blinds.

Sometimes I think just how far I’ve come but it’s easy to take it for granted. I used to think I had no future and I was hopeless. Now I believe anything is possible. Went from thinking I needed a therapist to undoing years of ingrained beliefs just by sitting alone in a room. Stuff’s powerful.

2019 is only about half over and I still don’t know what the rest holds but I do know I have big plans.

Some things went unplanned however like the loss of certain friends and the sudden realization you can’t depend on anyone for your happiness or well-being.

That in itself however is a grown-up lesson and I will take it on the nose.

I’m not exactly out of the woods yet but it’s safe to say I’m much better than I’ve been and if you read my last post all that’s left is for me to hop on the train and ride.

Till next time.