depression – Page 3 – Artistic Apathy

Blood, Sweat, but Mostly Tears

Let me paint you a picture.

A young man is troubled with growing pains.

When he was younger, everything was simpler. Everybody played together and less thought was given to what clique you were a part of or how you looked for that matter.

He found that when he got to high school, he felt invisible. Some “better looking” and more “suitable” guy stole the girl of his dreams.

He graduates high school and is looking for his place in the world. He suffers from interminable loneliness. All he knows is that he loves art. He sees artists in the media attracting lots of attention and he thinks “I can do that. Why should they get all the praise?”

So he locks himself away in his room. Working on his craft day and night. Determined to prove himself.

He starts to see some success and is getting more attention. Suddenly, people want to be around him. He forms a group of so-called friends who supposedly are there to secure his rise to the top. Then he finds that the industry is shady and he loses a lot of friends because of it. Some even stabbing him in the back.

He grows even colder. “Now I really won’t let anyone in. I’ll become the biggest artist in the world and all the fame and glory will be for me and me alone.”

So he becomes a chart topping success almost overnight. Now many women want to be with him but one stands out in particular.

This woman is very beautiful and she is also very popular so he thinks it would be a good look for him. The two date but he finds they have nothing in common. She only wants to talk about shallow things. At night he lies with her but it’s like lying next to a stranger.

Finally he makes enough money to be able to afford a big mansion in the hills. He moves the woman in with him and they have children.

One day he is sitting by himself and he thinks: “Why did I have children with this woman I don’t even love? Now I have everything I ever wanted. The fame. The money. The house on the hills and the trophy wife. But I still feel as empty as I did when I first started… I don’t want any of this anymore.”

So the boy, now a man plans his escape but it seems there’s nowhere for him to disappear to except a place you can’t come back from.

“So long world, you were never fair to me.”

And so… ends his long and arduous tale.

Life

Life is… sadness. It’s pain. But most importantly, it’s joy… happiness. It’s glee. It can be gloomy. It can be shadowy. It can be depressing. It can make you apathetic, it can make you jaded. It can make you care less. It can make you hateful, spiteful but it can also teach you how to love. It can be inspirational. Life is torment, instability, ambiguity… yet full of light, full of beauty, full of opportunity and full of beautiful people.

Life is all these things.

One Thing

Hello again, long time no see… if you’re wondering why I’ve been absent, I’ve taken a small break from posting due to the fact that I’ve been dealing with very low lows and at times experiencing crisis.

Well I’m back, if even only to deliver you this post.

Everyday I learn something new. Life is full of gifts and little surprises and is absolutely worth it.

I guess most of all what I’m thankful for is my friends. They may not be present all the time in times of despair and I’m learning to just accept that. Sometimes you have to go it alone, but it’s all essential for growth.

I’m currently on vacation in the Caribbean again and I’m finding rest for my weary soul. A self-prescribed medication that perhaps I really needed.

There’s a lot of downtime and slow moments but I think it’s in those moments that we find out the most about ourselves. Are you the type to make something out of nothing or are you simply a dreamer?

A friend of mine told me to let go and that’s been on my mind ever since I read his text message. Sometimes I expect too much out of people but all I know is that expectations can lead to much disappointment. No matter how depressing that may sound, it’s just life.

I’m learning to expect less from people while still being open to receive their gifts.

It’s like a quote from a movie I saw says: “people aren’t just one thing.” I’ve often thought about that line and the more I think about it, it’s true.

If I only remember the wrongs someone committed then in my mind I have written that person off. Although they may be so much more. Going through old back and forths with a friend of mine drew me to that conclusion. We had been there for each other through dark times but one absence in a moment of desperation can lead you to forget who they were for you all along.

I hope you all find rest for your weary souls, truly.

Lift Me Up!

Lift me up!

Carry me!

I float on a cloud of insecurities and disconcertment

This vehicle no longer serves me

I need a new means of transportation

I hear of a fancier cloud where less thought is given to your immediate circumstances

One where music’s soul bonds with one’s own and the immediate scenario is one of dreams

I don’t know if I can afford such a cloud.

For now, would you help balance me so that I can gain my composure?

Maybe one day I will reach higher, much higher, in the clouds…

Why Nothing I Have to Say Really Matters

Nothing.

I used to want my opinion to matter but now I’m not so sure.

My opinion is always changing. I’ve gone from religious to atheistic to religious again and then spiritual.

So if my viewpoint is always changing why should anyone take it serious or even literal?

They shouldn’t.

I’m starting to feel that no one should take anything I have to say seriously.

It’s true what they say about your opinion being the only one that matters.

And it’s true because your beliefs and views shape the world around you. If you let outside input determine the way you look at you and the world, you will end up with a distorted perception. Which is what most people have anyway.

A hundred years from now, I’m sure no one will remember the things I had to say. Unless I’m somehow immortalized. Even still I can’t see it mattering much in the long run.

I’m sure this post will probably even fade from your memory in time.

So why say anything at all?

Well, there’s no real reason to say anything. Still, we have a lot of opinions.

Sometimes we can say something that will uplift someone or make them laugh or smile. So the things we say do have a impact but does everything have to be taken so literal? I think not.

A lot of times people don’t know what they think for sure (including me) and their recall of events is somewhat shot as well.

It seems what most people say out loud is not dependable.

Everything should be taken with a grain of salt. Even words from people who are known gurus or known to be smart or intellectual.

Don’t let anyone be the single determiner of your thoughts and feelings. That all lies on you. It falls on your shoulders to find the truth for yourself or simply what works for you.

So yeah, don’t even take this post serious. That is, unless you want to.

It is the process of freedom.