depression – Page 6 – Artistic Apathy

Is Life Mundane or Can it be an Adventure Everyday?

I used to find the reality of life to be rather boring. Painful even. In real life you’re put through school in a pipeline fashion since you’re physically able to speak and come out as an adult and suddenly you’re supposed to know what you want to be forever.

If you choose the wrong career it could mean failure, so you better choose wisely. Thinking this way can make life seem like it’s all a game of survival. We have to constantly protect ourself from “threats” like back stabbing friends or people holding us back.

Yeah, life can appear rather boring and dismal. After all you can’t fly, you don’t have superpowers and you can’t teleport anywhere at whim. Sigh.

This is why from a young age I’ve always been drawn towards stories of fantasy and adventure. Journeys across strange worlds in search of treasure or power. It seemed a lot more exciting compared to my real life and oftentimes I wished I could live in these fantasy worlds but… this is reality. And in the real world there are no superpowers, you can’t fly…

But wait! That’s not entirely true. In the real world there are superpowers. They just don’t involve laser vision and invisibility.

For some, a superpower can be the ability to walk up to a cashier and order food in a concise manner without stumbling or stuttering over your words.

A superpower can be asking that girl out that you’ve always dreamt of dating but never had the courage to do so until now.

A superpower can simply be the courage to follow your dreams and not be worried about failing or letting anyone down.

So can life be an adventure with superpowers and flying? Well… maybe not flying like a bird in the literal sense but absolutely!

We’ve all heard of adventures like climbing a mountain, spending a retreat in the woods or traveling the world but what about right here in your hometown? Can you make your adventure there?

More and more life is becoming like an adventure for me. Even things that people see as mundane I see differently. I see everything almost as a game and there are levels. Every-time you try something new or face a fear, you expand. That’s a level up. Every-time you do something you’ve done a million times but with a different attitude, that’s a new level. It’s a new you.

Yes life can seem dreary and dull but it will stay like that until you start doing the things that excite you, make you happy and bring you satisfaction.

There’s a million opportunities a day. Don’t plan anything, just go where the wind takes you. But follow your heart and everyday will seem like an adventure.

In Less than a Year I Went From Suicidal Thoughts to Loving My Life

I used to think I had no future and I was hopeless. Now I believe anything is possible.

Queue the mic drop.

No really, I’m here to talk about my life. More specifically how much it’s changed.

Last year toward the end I’d been more hopeful than I ever was. The bulk of 2018 was sort of wacky but I aimed to end it on a positive note.

Till something terrible happened.

This event changed the way I looked at life in such a way that the effects were irreversible.

Thinking I needed a chance to recover from the chaos, I whisked away to the Dominican Republic where I stayed for three months.

This trip turned out to be the catalyst for a bunch of turning points.

I connected with my father who I hadn’t seen in a very long time and also got to see both sides of the family which is massive on both ends.

I really felt the love while I was there and ironically I had a lot of time to myself and to gather my thoughts. I made a list of all the things I wanted to accomplish when I got home and when I did I wasted no time.

By this time it’s mid May. I was a whole ‘nother person. Family back home couldn’t even recognize me. Although I had changed a lot on the outside they still couldn’t see the demons I was battling on the inside.

Until I started watching videos from an old mentor and he talked about “allowing.”

I started to “allow” and things shaped up quickly. Lots of things fell apart and I felt relieved. I started getting into meditation and allowing more.

I found stability and comfort in a new job and I felt like a functioning person again after months of peeking out my blinds.

Sometimes I think just how far I’ve come but it’s easy to take it for granted. I used to think I had no future and I was hopeless. Now I believe anything is possible. Went from thinking I needed a therapist to undoing years of ingrained beliefs just by sitting alone in a room. Stuff’s powerful.

2019 is only about half over and I still don’t know what the rest holds but I do know I have big plans.

Some things went unplanned however like the loss of certain friends and the sudden realization you can’t depend on anyone for your happiness or well-being.

That in itself however is a grown-up lesson and I will take it on the nose.

I’m not exactly out of the woods yet but it’s safe to say I’m much better than I’ve been and if you read my last post all that’s left is for me to hop on the train and ride.

Till next time.

Is God/The Universe Trying to Tell Me Something?

Hi everybody. Long time no see.

If you’re wondering where I’ve been at, I’ve been here and there.

Really, my life has been improving at a steady rate and for a long time I wanted to write about it but the right inspiration never came.

Now I have something to say.

Is the universe or God or the cosmos (whatever name you have for that mysterious force that seems to nudge you in the right direction) actually on my side?

A couple lines ago I mentioned how my life has been improving very fast. For a long time I had crippling anxiety and depression which rendered me unable to leave the house for days. Now I get out more and my social skills have improved tenfold, I’m able to talk to people and people enjoy my company. I’m starting to see all the possibilities ahead of me and it’s great.

There’s still one thing, though. You know the saying “old habits die hard?” Well that’s been true in my case. I feel like the universe has given me an opportunity to step into alignment with myself. It seems many good things are just falling in my lap and I’m being asked to fully realize myself as a person.

Still there are some toxic habits I can’t seem to let go of but am fully aware of their toxicity. Why do I do them? Well because it’s easy and makes sense at the time. I know that there is a higher calling for me but I ignore it and focus on the temporary. I don’t realize that negative emotions all come to pass and I need something now to help cope with it instead of just being there for myself emotionally.

For that reason I’ve come to feel really stressed and in this limbo of sorts. It’s like a friend of mine discussed. He said it’s like you’re a caterpillar in a cocoon trying to turn into a butterfly but you’re still holding onto your caterpillar ways so you can’t become the butterfly.

Another analogy would be you waiting on a train station and the train begins boarding, waiting to take you to the next phase but you’re stuck contemplating whether or not you wanna get on. The train doesn’t wait for you and so it leaves. Now you’re stuck with the feeling of regret that you didn’t get on board. The train comes back around every so often waiting for you to board. But it’s not until you actually get on board that you can be taken to a new place.

I feel like I was supposed to stumble on that video, it put into words exactly what I’ve been going through. And I was assured that everything would still be okay, however long it took for me to get on “board.”

Maybe someone will see this and relate. Thank you for reading.

10 Days of Meditation – Results

Now the title may be misleading. I didn’t meditate for ten days straight. I just made it a habit to take some time out of my day to devote to myself. Particularly in the morning.

While I don’t want to make this journey all about the results, I think it’s important to put into focus what I’ve learned and hopefully you all can get something out of it as well.

Now if you read my previous blog post about meditation you would know I’m no stranger to it. I started my own practice what seems like forever ago but is only a few years. A lot has changed since then.

Mainly what got me back into doing it is my desire to be more engaged in the present moment. I found myself often times retreating into my mind and fighting inner demons all day long. I wanted to dispel those demons and feel more in the here and now and not in the future or past.

So far it’s been helping me to do that. You could call me a intermediate meditator so I quickly fell back into the practice. I thought nothing would come up during the meditation but to my surprise many thoughts and stories and feelings came up.

My job was to not tamper with them but to simply leave them be. They would come in and do their thing for a while then they would leave. I had an old thought pattern that was eating me away. When I began “allowing,” it quickly became almost a non-issue. Today I can say it’s one less thing to worry about.

I’ve learned a lot of things about myself. The days have been mostly fair to me but the other day I was struggling with an inner pain. Depends on your definition of struggling though as I was learning how to be with it. I came up with an interesting metaphor. Old pains are like a wounded animal you find by chance. You take it in, nurse it back to health and love it and when it’s time you set it free.

That’s exactly what I practiced. I spent the day feeling the pain in full. No denying it or trying to stuff it down. I didn’t eat it away, I didn’t engage in some kind of awful addiction to numb it. Although I’m not judging those who do.

I was feeling anxiety about an upcoming event and I started getting all these thoughts in my head. An old story about me played in my head, essentially a limitation and I found myself “predicting” the future.

My mind took me to a place where the future event had already happened and I had screwed things up. It was merely a thought but I was living it in the here and now as if it was real. I realized that no one can tell the future but the pain would not go away. It was calling out to be felt/loved like a small child.

I had a conversation with a friend and we talked about how there are good days and bad days and something that was so common sense clicked later when the following day I woke up feeling much better. The pain tried to creep back up later but I was wide open to accepting it and it did its thing and left.

What he said just kind of drives home the fact that all pain is temporary and we don’t have to feel this way forever. When you’re in pain you project into the future as if you are always going to feel this way but that’s just not true. There are good days and bad days and our job is to be there with ourselves on those bad days and not run from ourselves which makes us feel more isolated and alone and does the opposite of what we are trying to achieve.

The future event didn’t even end up happening so that just proves further how much of it is a lie. Now I have another event coming up and I don’t feel as anxious after the awareness I’ve gained.

I’m more aware of my body and I can feel myself literally resisting thoughts and how my body reacts to certain thoughts/feelings/emotions.

It’s all pretty enlightening stuff but I’m only a step of the way there.

Today I realized quite literally what it means that we are the sky not the clouds. As I laid on my back and watched the clouds drift by. We are infinite, we are the sky–not the cloud which is passing by.

I’m looking forward more than ever to where life takes me as it seems that everything is lining up perfect for me to step into my power. The test is here. No pressure though.

Thank you for reading~

Unrequited Love

I don’t know the first thing about love

But I do know that I want to hold you so close

To feel your warmth pressed up against my body

To feel your breath, your heartbeat. I want to feel your presence

Us being here. How delicate it is. How mysterious it is. Just us holding each other tight.

I want to shield you from any and all harm and you’ll be mine. Mine to protect and to love and to cherish.

Your smile warms my heart, your laugh brightens my mood. When you are happy I’m joyful and when you are sorrowful I will be the shoulder for you to lay your head on

But still you do not love me.

No, you don’t even care about me

You couldn’t be more impervious to my existence

Don’t you understand that I’m nothing without you?

Thinking of you slipping away more and more, moment by moment, tightens my chest and fills me with grief

Can’t you see that I’m the one for you?

Can’t you see that I’m the only one who will make you happy?

You can try to find someone else but they won’t be half the lover I can be

Why don’t you give me a chance, please?

I’m not enough for you and that fills my eyes with tears and I below out in agony

You’re tormenting me

You’re so cruel

But I’m willing to be tormented if it means I can continue loving you.