journal – Page 2 – Artistic Apathy

Resolution

What will become of me?

Uncertainty grips me and a ticking time bomb is formed in the pit of my stomach

Tick tock… Only moments until it spontaneously combusts.

This worry, this anxiety, is it necessary or is it something I may discard like a used tissue?

Why am I so fearful of something that is only in my body?

And why do things have to go my way ever time? Could things be perfectly fine not going my way?

Why do I need to have a control on things and what do I hope to get in return?

Also, why do I need the answers to these questions or is this another attempt at obtaining control?

My worst fears made true… Them not approving of me. Me being abandoned and cast aside like a cigarette butt out of a car window

My worst fear is being forgotten. If I’m forgotten then what becomes of me? What will happen? Who am I and what am I here to do?

I’m afraid I’ll have nothing. Nothing to fall back on. No security. No sense of comfort. Just utter loneliness.

Let me feel this void a bit longer because something tells me something is trying to come through.

Life is teaching me something and there’s still a lot left more to learn.

XTC

When you said you were down to ride, I didn’t account for an actual roller coaster

With you it’s up and down. First you’re hot then you’re cold.

What’s it going to take to spark this light?

I know exactly what buttons to push, what knobs to turn, to send you reeling…

You beg for mercy but it’s too late now. Allow me to repay you for everything in this moment.

I will not stop until you’ve arrived. Unlike a road trip, the point is not the destination.

In this case it’s the journey. On this ride, there are highs and then there are lows.

Let me get you to the point of climax only to have you fall into a maddening deep descent.

Afterwards I leave you begging for more but I’m reluctant to spoil you.

I’ll leave you to your imagination so the real thing is that much more powerful

You’ve given up control but left it in very capable hands.

Only someone who adores you deserves to have this kind of power over you.

This isn’t a dynamic, but every thing means something if I’m that much closer to you.

Our bodies become one and our souls unite on this joy ride of passion, pain and pleasure…

I sketched a story on your bare back. The story of us. Beginning, resolution and climax.

Rapture in Rhapsody

The place where I belong is short lived

For a few minutes, I get to feel something new while experiencing something quaint

My spirit longs for its release but alas I am only flesh

Free me from the captivity which binds me. Loosen my harnesses! Free me from restraint!

With each resounding note I feel myself becoming a little bit free-er.

The melodies are etched on the litany of my soul. The music lives through me. Through my very being.

And I embody it. I take it on. It becomes a part of my persona as distinguishable as a laugh, for example.

For a moment, I swore I had wings. If I had wings then I would fly. But I’m bound physically and other times mentally too.

At least I can escape, if only for a moment…

In Remembrance Of

Never forget me as I live and breathe

Even beyond the grave

My bones will tell when your heart has departed from a memory once known

Though I lie six feet under, carry that torch for me, even if it only burn as bright as a candle

In the sand you took a stick and etched my name but the water came and washed it all away

I will come and anchor my boat on that land and dock myself at your bay. The lighthouse is a beacon that calls the heart.

And from afar I will answer…

Don’t forget the way I made you laugh, or the way I made you smile, the way I made you cry… I was present for all of it. And when you think of me again, there I will be with you.

Don’t leave me.

I fear facing another cruel winter all alone.

Dusk calls riding on the coat tails of a nightmare draped in fantasy.

You are welcome for all those precious moments.

When you take me for granted I will come haunting like a midnight ghoul and snatch away all the memories you have of me.

Then what are you?

But no… Heaven forbid. For now, keep me in your thoughts. Lest I perish along with them.

Photo cred: Eric Houck

I’ve Decided

I’ve decided that life is too short to go on wasting it.

Wasting it at a job you don’t like, wasting it doing nothing of value, wasting it…

I’ve decided to live. I’ve decided to let bygones be bygones, I’ve decided to forgive…

I’ve decided that life is too short to go on carrying hostility or animosity toward someone.

Life is too short to second-guess yourself… Whether you’re good enough or have what it takes, it doesn’t matter…

What we want out of life, seems like something so far out of reach but in an instant everything can change. Everything. Suddenly, you have it all.

But what then? What happens afterward? I don’t want my life to be chasing a carrot on a stick.

I’ve decided to follow my heart.

I found out that the person I was looking for all along isn’t out there. I was looking for myself. I’d like to meet me. Not the me everybody knows. But the real me.

I’ve decided to face my dark emotions.

I’ve decided that crying is okay. Being alone is okay. Feeling blue is okay.

We’re all human.

I’ve decided that it’s okay to be vulnerable. Doesn’t matter the time or circumstance. It’s egoic to pretend you have everything.

I’ve decided

to love.

;