Design a site like this with WordPress.com
Get started

Blog

Elevator

Stuck in this elevator…

Pitch black. Can’t see my way out.

It feels like it’s not moving, like it’s not going anywhere.

I crouch in a corner of this cold steel cage.

I grip my knees and rock back and forth trying to console myself.

The elevator is my own mind.

Constantly facing and fighting my own insecurities and doubts about myself.

It’s like being stuck in a pitch black elevator. Everywhere you look, darkness.

There’s no emergency button either. I have to be down for the ride.

Where is this elevator going? Up or down? I just hope it’s up for my sake.

It’s getting harder and harder but somehow I feel in control.

A strange feeling.

Will I finally reach the top floor?

Respite

I feel like the prisoner in my own mind…

Longing to break free…

What’s it going to take to break this spell that’s on me?

What’s real and what’s fake? What’s true and what’s false?

Lines are blurred and I escape reason and dance a dance full of folly

Afraid of what the future holds. I’d do anything to hear a word of encouragement. To hear something comforting.

I feel like I’m defective. Must be something wrong with me…

I try to fix myself but if I’m the problem then how can I fix things myself?

I’m altogether burdened and long for respite.

Who will be the shoulder for me to lean on? Where can my soul find its peace at long last?

I search everywhere for answers, frantically, not a moment of rest, restlessly looking for the answer…

I

I don’t want to ruin this perfect moment. I’m so sorry that I’m thoughtless and think too much all at once.

I just want the song to echo. I want to feel it in my bones. I want to fly. I want the melody under my wings as I soar. A language that blurs barriers. Cultures becoming one. Things closing in on each other and becoming closer.

I find my power in my heart. Deep within my emotions.

I feel like I’ve been forgotten. Nobody bothers to keep up with me these days. I feel like an apparition. But I know I’m here for so much more. So… much more. I want to be all that I can be.

Then, why am I still asking for permission? The person I’ve been waiting for all along: Find them in me. I gain strength to fight another day. To live another day.

I don’t want to live as a coward. I want to take risks. I want to be bold. And proclaim it from the highest mountain.

Oh God, hear my prayer and establish me high above any worry or stress.

I long to be lifted up.

Addicted

I long for the days of yesterday…

It seemed that I could feel with a huge capacity and the desire to create was enormous

I sing a song of yesterday and for a moment a ray of sun shines upon me where otherwise I’m caught in a storm

The mundanity of life. The same rituals. The same practices. I’m caught in an insane loop.

It feels like I don’t have control over some things. I think a lot about destiny. I think a lot about it and I wonder if I’m destined to fail. Maybe because I’m too weak willed, weak minded, too driven by emotions.

Strange, because I once thought that to be good. I don’t always know what to believe and I am caught in a vortex of futility. I long for my release.

Always thought I’d be the hero in my own story but I feel more and more like the villain with each passing day.

I think a lot about my own capacity. My own capacity to make it through things… Is it true this time that it’s withered? The confrontation I’ve longed for all my life. The test that was to come. Did I fail? Did I not make it? Did I miss the bus?

I think about these things all day and they become my mantra.

Any bit of hope is welcome. I can’t see in the dark and neither can you.

Song of songs call me home!

Resolution

What will become of me?

Uncertainty grips me and a ticking time bomb is formed in the pit of my stomach

Tick tock… Only moments until it spontaneously combusts.

This worry, this anxiety, is it necessary or is it something I may discard like a used tissue?

Why am I so fearful of something that is only in my body?

And why do things have to go my way ever time? Could things be perfectly fine not going my way?

Why do I need to have a control on things and what do I hope to get in return?

Also, why do I need the answers to these questions or is this another attempt at obtaining control?

My worst fears made true… Them not approving of me. Me being abandoned and cast aside like a cigarette butt out of a car window

My worst fear is being forgotten. If I’m forgotten then what becomes of me? What will happen? Who am I and what am I here to do?

I’m afraid I’ll have nothing. Nothing to fall back on. No security. No sense of comfort. Just utter loneliness.

Let me feel this void a bit longer because something tells me something is trying to come through.

Life is teaching me something and there’s still a lot left more to learn.