depression – Page 4 – Artistic Apathy

Ping!

Time after time, I check my results.

So much it begs the question “who am I really doing this for?”

Am I still finding that my sense of acceptance must come from outside of myself?

If so I am illusioned.

On the one hand, I understand that a desire for approval is almost innate in human beings.

From the moment we are born we learn to depend on our parents for everything. So much that we even begin to depend on them for our emotional well being. Thinking that similarly flawed human beings hold the key is backwards thinking.

Parents can teach you a lot. But something you must learn to do on your own is love yourself for who you are.

Despite everything.

As long as your self-esteem is dependent on the likes and comments you receive in this ensnaring digital world, you are a slave to perception.

Perception is subjective and therefore how you feel about you becomes subjective.

I’m not saying it’s easy to escape this cycle but by understanding it a little bit more each time you slowly weaken the choke hold that it has on you and your self-esteem.

Cold Shoulder

You’re so cold.

You and the winter are meant for each other.

My presence doesn’t seem to impact you in the slightest.

Do you even care about me at all?

I wonder.

Once I was your world but now that we’ve grown older it seems you’ve found another world to live in.

One I’m not invited to.

I want to appear stoic. It doesn’t affect me at all.

The truth is, it does.

When I’m around I feel like a +1.

To a party I was never invited to.

You are cruel but it seems you are okay with that. As long as you get to continue living in your bubble.

It’s okay.

Life is so beautiful these days. Something like this will not break me.

I won’t carry the pain.

I’ll set out…

To create a world of my own.

Karmic Balance

The young man was sullen. It seemed every attempt he had at making a good life was foiled.

Day after day, bad things would happen and he would take it on the nose.

It was something he was used to.

He wondered how much longer he could endure hit after hit until he broke.

One day something snapped in him and he decided he was no longer going to be a slave to his circumstances.

He would clean up his act once and for all and redeem himself.

When he decided that at that moment, unbeknownst to him, hell was unleashed upon him.

His life got so dramatically worse he pondered taking his own life to finally escape the wheel of suffering.

Realizing that it wasn’t the answer, he endured some more.

Shrouded in ultimate darkness, not even a beacon of hope.

Sooner or later, a ray of light shined through the clouds. He had already undergone the worst and couldn’t see it getting any worse!

He said “I’m just going to accept this.”

So he practiced accepting.

When he accepted all the bad things going on around him, the bad things started turning into good things.

He was no longer a victim of his circumstances.

He detached from the outcomes of life and found that life was positively enjoyable if you allow it to be. He was the one creating all of his problems all along and was never a victim.

Now, in some strange way, he was thankful for all the things he experienced because his life became enjoyable as a result of the pain he endured.

If he would have surrendered defeat in the eye of the storm, he would have never got to see the calm.

What a cruel yet kind mistress life is.

Low Hanging Fruit

Would you let me try your fruit? The mere thought of such fruit causes me to lose myself A fruit so sweet, it remains incomparable to any other fruit I can imagine I’ve been searching far and wide for something so sweet And I’ve found it in you But don’t give it to me sparingly […]

Would you let me try your fruit?

The mere thought of such fruit causes me to lose myself

A fruit so sweet, it remains incomparable to any other fruit I can imagine

I’ve been searching far and wide for something so sweet

And I’ve found it in you

But don’t give it to me sparingly

For after I try this fruit, there is no going back

Forget it, I’m past the point of no return

Nothing is as sweet anymore

I only have a craving for your fruit

I sit under shade of a large tree and I gnash on this divine delicacy

After I’ve eaten it, there is a feeling of emptiness dwelling in me

I thought the fruit was what I was searching for all along

But now that I’ve tasted it

I don’t know if things will ever be the same

Did I reach the pinnacle of my existence with this sweet divine fruit?

Or is there more to life?

I wander around aimlessly searching for something that can fill the absence of that fruit but all I find is

Low hanging fruit

Sly Serpent

Oh my

What a mistake I’ve made

I run and hide for cover

To shield me

From your venom

But to the illusory mind, even a stick can appear to be a serpent

Cowering with shame I await for you to strike

In anticipation I psych myself out and start exhibiting symptoms that were never there

How could your poison become mine

How could I inject myself with the venom that was never there?

The idea of administering small amounts to create an antidote sounds sound

But in this case I’m achieving the opposite effect

Distributing large amounts into my system, I become sickened

And that sickness spreads to others

Whether willingly or not

Who has the antidote?

Where I thought I was of no use before, I really am of no use to anyone, anymore.